Monday, November 22, 2010

Luke...I am your, Pelvis???

Exhibit A

So, what happens when you take Mr. Jones to the childbirth prep class? If we look at Exhibit A we will see - He apparently thinks that the model baby, when positioned in the pelvis correctly, looks like Darth Vader. (Obviously a little more Space Balls-y with the size of that pelvis hat!). But yes, he can find fun in anything apparently. Which is great of course. Sitting in a classroom from 9am to 5pm to learn how to push a person out of your vagina can take it's toll on anyone.

I am glad we took the class, but it was a little ridiculous. They covered all bases, every type of delivery, drug, process etc whether you were choosing that route or not. I think they should have sub-classes to select from the childbirth prep class roster. This would save time and money for those of us who are expecting, and already have an idea of how they want things to go. I have listed a few of the sub-classes below:

1) Childbirth prep 1A : Natural Drug Free Childbirth

Class description: For those who feel like being over achievers or "heroes" by boasting they have delivered their baby naturally and drug free. Class will include all of the excruciating videos your feeble mind can handle. Bring bucket for vomiting, tissues for crying, and possibly medication for migraines. Group exercises will include forming a circle and repeatedly kicking eachother in the pelvis and punching each other in the face to get some pain management practices in before it is too late. There will also be a post-birth meet up opportunity to brag in general about how you almost died from pain. Several times.

2) Childbirth prep 2A : Epidural Please! Childbirth
Class description: For mothers who understand that it is no longer the year 1835, and that there are pain management options readily available for the taking. Class may include a video of a woman attempting drug free childbirth, screaming and crying for 10+ hours, and inevitably requesting the epidural resulting in the ability to relax and deliver her baby. Bring pillows and snacks. This class will only last 3 hours. You are welcome.

This type of class roster would have been much more effective for me, considering I have absolutely no intentions of delivering this baby, or any baby, without an epidural. Ever.

---this post in no way is saying that Mr. Jones and I think that delivering the baby is a joke, if it isn't obvious at this stage in my blog - comedy is a mechanism I use to stomp out fear. Getting Adeline here is slightly terrifying.---

side note: they will be inducing me a few weeks early because of the gestational diabetes, in which an epidural is strongly recommended anyways-so there. If you are an expecting mother right now and are offended because you want to do this the hard way, then I apologize. I think.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Morning scene

It was Friday morning, and I was standing in the kitchen sort of blankly staring. I opened the fridge, and the blank stare washed over my face, and again as I opened the pantry. I finally turned my back to Brett and tears welled up in my eyes.

I wasn't really crying, it was more of a -I am frustrated, confused, and just plain sad kind of tearing up - Brett understood, and just gave me a hug.

Was I mad because someone ate my cheerios? No, I was mad because just a day earlier I got a call from my doctor's office. Apparently I have developed Gestational Diabetes. And try as I may, I couldn't get the blood test results to show in my favor this week. They went on to say that they were referring me to the hospital to meet with a specialist to get my diet "under control".

Under control? In case anyone hasn't noticed from a previous post - There is one thing that can be said about our household. WE DON'T EAT JUNK. There is no way that my husband would have lost 70+ lbs with little debbies and pints of ice cream hanging all willy nilly around the house. He wanted to lose weight, I wanted to grow a healthy baby. So we were doing that. Successfully.

I guess the frustration lies here: with the 1,000,000,000 pregnant people I am acquainted with I can understand how some may develop G.D. (love the acronym by the way) They don't care what they eat. They use pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever the hell they want. Trays of baked goodies, ice creams galore, restaurants and take out every other meal. Weight gain that is staggering. But is G.D. the case with any of them? Nope, they get to pig out worry free. And in all honesty I won't lie to myself, I have gained - at 30 weeks in this pregnancy I am up, up 17 lbs.

In passing conversation with people over the weekend I have noticed something though. I even mention that I have G.D. and they look at me like I am already the worst mother in the world. I can' t really put my finger on how that makes me feel, aside from terrible. And when I think about the diet plan that awaits me with this weeks trip to the hospital, I cringe. Diet plan? I am sure there are a few snacks that I need to swap out or who knows what, but I just don't get it.

I guess I will just do even better than I already was and show this G.D. who the bitch in charge is. Right?

Thursday, November 4, 2010

a sample...blech!

Yea so I won't get totally graphic - but I always have the silliest time with the whole "we need you to leave a sample please" while at the doctor's office for all this baby stuff. There is always the cup selection, the marker selection (sometimes there are colors to choose from!), what all do I want to write on the cup, what all do they want me to write on the cup, what if I do this all wrong, etc.

Do I sign my name all pretty on the cup? It generally looks like I am autographing a piece of freakin' artwork. Then there is that damn two way metal door shelf thing you put the pee cup in. I always feel like it is a game, and that if I don't have the cup autographed, filled and ready in time then I will open that tiny metal door to see someone waiting on the other side! Uh creepy...

I always wonder what some of the funniest (or most embarrassing) pee cup stories are out there. Do you have one? hmmmmmm?