Thursday, March 14, 2013

Zombie Prep - Gates and Spuds

As per usual, I am obsessing over The Walking Dead. It is nearing the finale for the season, but I will still have my monthly comics to read. I will be fine, I will be fine.

In the interim I would like to provide my 3 part plan for surviving a zombie apocalypse. Not 3 step, but 3 part - feel free to engage any part of the plan at any time.

Part 1 - Potato Gun. 
See ya later tater! Er, zombie. 

Also known as a Spud Cannon, Spudzooka, or any other clever combination of Potato and firearm you can think of. It is a lovely combination of pipe, pressurized combustible gas, and projectiles that I am confident, could take out a zombie. Perfect for DIY-ers because you can build and modify to your every whim. If you are a pro you could hit a walker from 100 yards away. Sounds safe to me! Could potentially cause much less ruckus than your average weapon as well. Ran out of spudzooka ammo? Just grow more!

Part 2 - Baby Gate.
Disclaimer: Didn't say it would keep out everything

I know more people than not who can't easily operate opening and closing a variety of baby gates. They are complicated apparatuses (apparati?) I feel more confident with using apparatuses. Apparatuses. Oh what the hell, baby gates are tricky ok people! They are designed to be uber durable, have crazy wall mount strength, and often require a 2-3 step process for unlocking. So many buttons, locks, sliding mechanisms, small systems of levers and pulleys - you name it!
My suggestion here is to set up a compilation of baby gates in all shapes and sizes to ensure a safe perimeter. A zombie or two trying to figure out what model type each baby gate is and how to properly unlock it to get to you, well, would be biting off more than they could chew (see what I did there? huh huh?).

Part 3 - High Ground.
Employing Parts 1 &2: Arming yourself with a spudzooka and arranging your baby gates will then prep you for Part 3 - finding high ground. Ideally a staircase because those combined with baby gates are the worst combo for easy entry.

-There you have it people, don't get stuck ill prepared. I am full of great advice so feel free to steal my ideas. It could save your life. Or, it could make you look like a total weirdo with a collection of potato guns and baby gates. Freak.

P.S. - Happy Pi Day! Just kidding, I don't care about Pi. I hate math, and numbers are the devil.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Hairstyles of the Slow and Non-Famous

" I love feeling the wind through my hair net at top speeds of 40 mph."
                  - The busted lady I saw driving in the fast lane down the highway in her old, beat up, Ford truck while sporting a large black hair net.

Ok, so she (who honestly could have very well been a he) didn't actually say that, I am improvising a smidge. At any rate, I got stuck behind he/she on the way to an appointment yesterday afternoon.

Kinda wanted to tell he/she that barely creeping along in the left lane as if you are trapped in some space-time continuum only does two things: A-makes you look like an jacka$$ to those of us who appreciate arriving anywhere on time, and B- it also draws painfully slow attention to the fact that you are wearing a ridiculous hair net.

I tried very hard to figure out what was going on with what I was seeing. Was the hair net intended to be some sort of accessory? Was I cruising alongside a lunch lady? Are those old truck windows stuck in the down position, forcing he/she to take unfashionable measures to save their hairstyle? It was barely 50 degrees, without the wind, so I am leaning towards busted lady- in a busted truck- with busted windows theory.

Aaaaaaand I am going to go ahead and wrap this up, because I apparently spend way too much time contemplating excessively unimportant things. How do I ever get anything done?

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Munchies Edition

First things first, I would like to apologize for skipping Crap That People Have Forgotten About. For two months, two months people! Why didn't someone smack me?!

We can thank my 11:00pm hunger pangs last night for kick starting a thought process that snowballed into a small list of delightfully unhealthy delicacies I enjoyed as a child that I had long forgotten. I am comprising a list of sorts for this post.

Disclaimer: I do realize that some of these treats are still obtainable, albeit most likely through some weirdo snack black market. Or maybe some dusty, crusty packages that are shy of their 20th birthday via eBay or Amazon. But I am not composing this trip down memory lane so that some of you with more time than necessary on your hands can fact check me. Just be one with this post, and get hungry, and be sad because you can't just hop over to Publix and pick up:

1) Squeeze Its juice drinks. So sugary, so not really juice, yet so refreshing these beverages were. I feel diabetic just thinking about them.

 They also had these whacky faces on them, thinking back they were rather creepy. It sure was fun snapping the lid off and trying to get the tiny spot of juice left in the lid. Mondo had a version out also, but it paled in comparison to the creepy face squeeze bottle these guys honed in on.

2) Ritz Handi Snacks Cracker and Cheese packs. My waistline is growing just looking at a picture of this little snack. I was addicted to those overly processed things. Remember them?
It was a psychological mind game for me to always try to distribute equal amounts of cheese whatever that orange crap was that was passing for cheese, to each cracker. Alas, it never failed, I would always run out and have more cracker and 0% cheese left. The complimentary cheese spreader that came in each pack would also double as a nice shiv if you were ever in a jam. 

3) This last one is apparently still very accessible, which I find humorous. I personally haven't seen it lately so I am going to mention it anyways. Big League Chew...

Children's candy modeled after a package of chewing tobacco? Genius! Nothing says fun more than pretending you have oral cancer. 
         You know what crap like this does? It tricks stupid little kids such as myself. Let me explain. My dad chewed pack after pack of RedMan tobacco for years and years (let's be honest, it was decades). 
This tricky little bubble gum treat made my feeble young mind think "this is a delightfully refreshing, bubble blowing blast! No wonder dad has a pack lying around all the time. I think I will try some of his." 
Granted, trying my dad's RedMan when no one was looking only made me feel sick as shit, and did not spur my downward spiral into a tobacco chewing, juice spitting, redneck phase that lasted til I was 11. It made me shun any Big League chew, or other oddly marketed candy items. 
...Maybe that is why I haven't seen any in a while, it says they still sell it at local retailers. I have perhaps been psychologically blocking physically seeing it on the shelf at the store. *calls psychiatrist*

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Tuesday Morning Observations

If anyone wonders why I should not drink coffee in the mornings I present to you, "Tuesday Morning Observations". It is just a sampling of what the, who the, how the - that goes on in my head when given a friendly boost from Mr. Caffeine:

- The classic scene of a fire crew rescuing a stupid cat out of a tree - I have never witnessed such a scene. Figured with as much as I have seen it in cartoons and tv shows I would have observed it happening at least once by now. This either means, A: Cats aren't really that stupid. Or B: People in real life don't really care enough about cats to see them get unstuck from a tree.
Sidenote - why can't the cat just climb down? Or can they, but people are far too impatient and feel like it is an emergency situation. "I was heading to work, but that cat stuck in that tree over there is some pretty serious business. Quick! What's the number for 911?! Don't worry strange kitty, I will wait until you are safely rescued before I go back to my regularly scheduled programming."

- I over think a lot of things. See bullet #1.

- Time couldn't possibly be any slower than when you are attempting to win an eBay auction. That last 60 seconds is ridiculously sloooooooow. On a very related note: I now have a sweet vintage Tom Thumb toy cash register heading my way from Indiana. I fully intend to push the buttons, and whilst it makes the cha-ching noise say "I'm rich bitch!".

- I have traveler's insurance for an upcoming vacation. Apparently losing one eye on your trip only allots you 50% coverage. I can see how losing an eye on vacation would be a little more than 50% bothersome.

- I think Easter has ruined my like for a boiled egg. I recall maybe enjoying them at some point in my childhood. I want to say it was the realization that during an Easter egg hunt the following occurs: Boiled eggs get left out in warm weather, and lying on the ground, for much too long. This, coupled with the fact that they can make an entire house smell like a wet fart, make me have a hatred for them.
"That smells disgusting! Here, let me have a few. OMNOMNOM". Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little. 

- Now I am thinking of what I would hate more: 1- having to eat a boiled egg. OR 2- finding a spider crawling on me. These things will haunt my dreams tonight.