Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Munchies Edition

First things first, I would like to apologize for skipping Crap That People Have Forgotten About. For two months, two months people! Why didn't someone smack me?!

We can thank my 11:00pm hunger pangs last night for kick starting a thought process that snowballed into a small list of delightfully unhealthy delicacies I enjoyed as a child that I had long forgotten. I am comprising a list of sorts for this post.

Disclaimer: I do realize that some of these treats are still obtainable, albeit most likely through some weirdo snack black market. Or maybe some dusty, crusty packages that are shy of their 20th birthday via eBay or Amazon. But I am not composing this trip down memory lane so that some of you with more time than necessary on your hands can fact check me. Just be one with this post, and get hungry, and be sad because you can't just hop over to Publix and pick up:

1) Squeeze Its juice drinks. So sugary, so not really juice, yet so refreshing these beverages were. I feel diabetic just thinking about them.

 They also had these whacky faces on them, thinking back they were rather creepy. It sure was fun snapping the lid off and trying to get the tiny spot of juice left in the lid. Mondo had a version out also, but it paled in comparison to the creepy face squeeze bottle these guys honed in on.

2) Ritz Handi Snacks Cracker and Cheese packs. My waistline is growing just looking at a picture of this little snack. I was addicted to those overly processed things. Remember them?

It was a psychological mind game for me to always try to distribute equal amounts of cheese whatever that orange crap was that was passing for cheese, to each cracker. Alas, it never failed, I would always run out and have more cracker and 0% cheese left. The complimentary cheese spreader that came in each pack would also double as a nice shiv if you were ever in a jam. 

3) This last one is apparently still very accessible, which I find humorous. I personally haven't seen it lately so I am going to mention it anyways. Big League Chew...

Children's candy modeled after a package of chewing tobacco? Genius! Nothing says fun more than pretending you have oral cancer. 

         You know what crap like this does? It tricks stupid little kids such as myself. Let me explain. My dad chewed pack after pack of RedMan tobacco for years and years (let's be honest, it was decades). 

This tricky little bubble gum treat made my feeble young mind think "this is a delightfully refreshing, bubble blowing blast! No wonder dad has a pack lying around all the time. I think I will try some of his." 

Granted, trying my dad's RedMan when no one was looking only made me feel sick as shit, and did not spur my downward spiral into a tobacco chewing, juice spitting, redneck phase that lasted til I was 11. It made me shun any Big League chew, or other oddly marketed candy items. 

...Maybe that is why I haven't seen any in a while, it says they still sell it at local retailers. I have perhaps been psychologically blocking physically seeing it on the shelf at the store. *calls psychiatrist*

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: TV Edition

Maybe, just maybe, I am a little bitter about The Walking Dead ripping my heart out by making viewers go through a 2 month grieving period until we can see new episodes. A mid season finale? Really guys? Who does that, oh wait you guys and Breaking Bad do. Why don't we just call it a separate season? End rant.

I don't recall shows doing that when I was growing up, and you know who wouldn't have made viewers go through this mid season finale crap?

TALES FROM THE CRYPT.
Remember that mess? Dust off your brains a little and recall what a gem that series was. It delivered some terrible horror stories to us from 1989-1996. Obviously, I didn't watch it in '89 because I was 3, and that would just be crazy talk. I think watching it in the early 90's didn't do much for me either. I am sure it only further molded my creepy little mind. Perhaps being young, or not paying close attention- I have a few show details slightly askew, but I rather loved the show. When I mentioned to Brett that I thought the show was worthy of a Crap That People Have Forgotten slot he mentioned why he himself loved the show:

"I used to like that show because every once in a while I got to see a booby."
                                                                                        -Brett Jones


In case you have forgotten, it was hosted by the world's tannest mom:

Apparently, she used her show earnings to ride the botox wave after the show came to a close in the 90's, because her features in my opinion appear a little "fuller" than when she hosted the show:

  Blech, I know right? Get some sleep sister!

Joking aside, well, not too far aside - because I wanted to mention one of the crypt keepers corny tag lines "Hello Boils and Ghouls". That is, after the camera pans through his rather creepy mansion and into his basement where he pops out of a coffin cackling like an old woman. All that house and he decides to sleep in the basement, decaying men are weird. 

The show found a way to take what they considered some bone chilling plots to scare the pants off of you, and then sometimes add in a little twist of humor at the end. 

One episode I recall involved a group of nice looking teenagers taking a trip to the local swimming hole. They soon realized that there was a gooey lake blob munching them right up. I am pretty sure that that is the full synopsis. Hot teenagers -> Lake -> Blob -> Everyone dies.

Oh, and the best, an episode about a comic book artist that learns his illustrations have come to life and are running around all willy nilly and killing people. That episode spurred my 15 minute career as a monster illustrator/comic book artist. I couldn't quite get my monsters to look less cuddly and more "I'll eat your soul" so I quit. 

The show was one of the first to introduce some pretty sweet digitally created computer effects. 

Important thing for me to note - premise came from a comic book series ( I see a parallel... The Walking Dead). Granted, the episodes were only 30 minutes each, but they sure didn't pull any crap like a "mid season finale" so I think TWD should take note. And yes, I will be bitching about this until TWD returns in February. 

You can watch reruns of Tales From the Crypt on Fearnet NOW.

* In case any of you think I actually believe the world's tannest mom was the host of this show I would like to clarify that I am aware that the crypt keeper was a puppet voiced by John Kassir. 

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Movie Edition

For the November edition I have recalled another gem for you all. Although, this may be more of a "crap people never knew of to begin with" rather than forgot about. But it is reminiscent for me. Wait a tick... it grossed $47mil in the box office. You guys know what I am talking about.

An American Tail. Tail, instead of tale, cute right?
This movie was one of my favorites when I was little, I even had a large plush Fievel toy that I would drag around.

The film is about a little Russian mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz that emigrates to America with his family but soon is separated from them, and the movie is about his adventures to reuniting with them. Uh oh, I think that maybe I have said too much.
Another important factor to note: Fievel's clothes and hat are freakishly huge. Poor little bastard. No really, he was poor, that's why his clothes didn't fit.

Why would Russian mice want to move to America? Because we apparently have an abundance of mouse holes and crumbs on our floors. They also think originally that there are no cats in America either. Which I would be totally cool with.

They obviously learn that the cat bit is rubbish. Fievel during his adventures befriends a vegetarian cat named Tiger (what are the odds right?). Tiger's clothes are too small, and I think I worry about fictional characters wardrobes way too much.

Anyways, hands down best scene in the history of scenes is when this really weird fat lady mouse with a speech impediment screams out "WELEASE THE SECWET WEAPON!". Release the secret weapon for those of you who don't read speech impediment. My niece and I still yell this out on occasion, just for a giggle.

And lest we forget the song at the end of the movie "Somewhere Out There". Tearfully joyous.

If you wish to read a full synopsis imdb can hook you up: synopsis here.
It is kinda cute, imdb has a: warning, this synopsis may contain spoilers disclaimer. Heaven forbid we spoil the ending of the mouse movie.


To follow along with past editions of Crap That People Have Forgotten About go here.

Crap That People Have Forgotten About. Illusion Edition.

I think I would like to start a series for this. Crap That People Have Forgotten About. Consider this my first edition.

I would like to take you back to 1993. So let's see, there was Jurassic Park, Whitney Houston singing I Will Always Love You, Beanie Babies came out that year (on the market, not the closet), but this isn't about any of those. Want to know why? Because those are easily googled subjects. Anyone who can't recall the excellence of subjects such as those can just plug in and find out about them too easily.

I want to bring back to your attention something a little more down played. "Off the map" if you will. I don't know the technical term for it, as google did not provide much assistance in finding it for me. We will call it the Optical Illusion Art Prints craze. REMEMBER THOSE?! Hours of fun for everyone. Dozens of squiggly lines to focus in on and find a scene in behind the fuzz. I say hours of fun for everyone, but I guess some people can't get past the squiggly lines to see the pictures. I feel sorry for those people. At any rate, we still have one hanging in our office/museum of old dirty stuff we have collected about the building. See:

As you can see, it is strategically placed near our water cooler. That way our employees can have a refreshing glass of water and train their eyes to see a Rainforest. Or have a flashback from 1993.  I recall in the 90's these prints were so popular I actually went to a store that was an entire gallery of nothing but these optical illusions. I had to stare blankly at every one until I saw the picture underneath before I could leave the store. Nerd alert. Maybe they can make a come back in another decade or so. Let's use Maybe lightly here.

And that concludes this month's edition of Crap That People Have Forgotten About. 

Disclaimer: Don't actually try to find the rainforest in my picture I posted. You have to actually stand in front of it to focus in on it. Duh.