Resolute

Well, 2012 was my weight busting year. I didn't mean for it to be, but it happened. Here I shall discuss my extremely limited wisdom on the subject, in case any of you want to follow in my rather haphazard footsteps.

My main piece of advice? Get sick, a lot. It is an amazing appetite suppressant. If you have a child, put them in a childcare program of some sort. For us? A Parent's Morning Out program at a local preschool has done wonders for our entire home's immune system. Those little snot nosed shits are constantly loading their germs off onto our child, and she so lovingly delivers said germs to mommy and daddy.

       Aside from that I advise starting a weight loss plan in hot weather climates (phew, you procrastinators can stay fat until summer time, what a relief right?). You are most welcome. But seriously, I am having the hardest time sticking to a workout routine now that it is cold. So I am glad I gave it a shot in the summer when it was 100 degrees. The GA summer melted my fat off, true story. No lies here - 2012 was a record breaking summer, one of the hottest in the states over the last 60 years.

Another helpful weight loss tip? Drink water, lots and lots of water. "But Stefanie, I hate water, it is so boring." Oh yea? You are also really fat so listen up. Just kidding, that was mean, and you might not even be fat while reading this. Fat or skinny, if you hate the taste of water you can flavor it like some crazy yuppie. Fancy that shit up, throw in some fruit, or cucumber, mint leaves, oh my! - oh and by the way, I kept a mint plant alive the entire summer. I know right?!

A rather popular excuse for people who just can't motivate themselves to improve their health "I can't afford to go to the gym or have a trainer."
Let me break down my -Operation Weight Loss- budget so you can see that it doesn't cost much to get the job done:
-Good spot to go walking: Free
-2 pieces of exercise equipment from Goodwill: $40
-Yoga mat I already had: Free
-Pandora station for music to work out to: Free

Want to see my extravagant in-home gym? Ok:

Spectacular right? You'll notice a variety of exposed electrical outlets, that is for keeping you on your toes while you work out. Nothing says motivation like electrocuting yourself mid yoga position. While we are at the yoga mat, when doing any exercises requiring you to be on your back you will also get a lovely view of the exposed insulation. Playing the "shapes in the clouds game" can be used with insulation as well. Nothing helps you lose count of your crunches quicker than spotting an elephant on a motorcycle.

There has to be some validity to my ramblings, I went from 133lbs to 117lbs, and I intend to lose the last two and make it an even 115lbs. I am still whiter than ever though, so instead of being pudgy and pale I guess I just look borderline sickly.

See? My face looks much thinner... And my diet of saltines and ginger ale appear to be making me looney. The kid too, totally looney.

Now that the weight goal is easily obtainable I feel like I need some more challenging resolutions for 2013. Perhaps I can double my etsy success. Perhaps I can train my family's immune systems to defeat the germs that they are constantly coming in contact with. Oh! And I can work on my latest collection, old hotel keys. Those all seem like pretty spot on goals. Lookout eBay, this newly skinny bitch has some hotel keys to buy!*

*totally kidding, I leave all eBaying up to my father, and he rather enjoys finding keys for my latest obsession- such an enabler! Good thing I don't collect crack or heroin. 

Mysteries of the World

I will fail today at artfully constructing a story. Just wanted to present that first in case that was what you wanted to read.

I have a few mysteries I would like to present to the world, in hopes that maybe some of my questions can be answered.

Mystery #1 - For 26 years I absolutely hated the thought of eating a saltine cracker, even when people would eat them in soups I would turn up my nose in disgust. I also hated the thought of drinking ginger ale, I mean why the hell would something labeled "Canada Dry" be delectable? "Anything Dry" should not be a product name, ever. The idea of a dry beverage seems like an oxymoron anyways. I'm getting carried away - back to the story:
 I get food poisoning 4 weeks ago, and my sister brings these two bland items for me to try to ingest. And now that I am in tip top shape and not sick anymore? I can't stop eating them. Seriously, saltines and ginger ale for a snack happens almost daily. So much so that my kid now eats saltine crackers with wild abandon.

Mystery #2 - Speaking of my child, how is it that her "picky toddler" phase is happening, but some of her staple items would make a lot of people cringe. Her #1 snack item right now? Hummus... usually dipped with goldfish, but still! Other items she likes: plain cottage cheese, and smoothies with fruit and spinach (green green green). She will not touch a french fry, or any potato product really. Not complaining, I am just perplexed.

Mystery #3 - I like to joke about having a "black thumb" and that I can't keep anything alive. If my memory serves me right I have slaughtered: an assortment of roses, orchids- the label said "easy" to care for... I call shenanigans, mums, daisies, a peace lily from my aunt's funeral which we named after my aunt, so that was a little awkward when it finally gave out. I actually killed a cactus collection at one point. So the mystery is that I have no idea how my dogs are still alive.

Mystery #4 - There are thousand of types of vegetables, so far in my tenure here in the good ol' South I have only been introduced to 150? 175? or more, I haven't counted cut me some slack.
There are bulb vegetables, root vegetables, fruit vegetables, leaf vegetables, and so on. How is it that out of thousands of veggies, it would appear as though the mighty Asparagus is the only one that will totally transform the smell of piss from gross to SONOFA! OHMYGOD! WHY DID I EAT ASPARAGUS $!@#%^&>?!. *gag*  *vomit*. What is the deal with that? I mean, I am not complaining that it is the only vegetable that has this magically disgusting quality, but I find it fascinating. Or something like that.

Greek Yogurt.

I tried Greek yogurt for the first time, so I could be like the cool kids. I am pretty sure that my taste buds are going to murder me in my sleep tonight.

It's so bad I can't even come up with the appropriate amount of adjectives to describe my dismay. Oh who am I kidding of course I can- it has a; dull, chalky, dense, granular, vulgar taste to it. It's so thick you could choke on it (ya ya ya... That's what she said). Anyways, it is utterly disgusting.

I know what some of you may be thinking, "Greek yogurt is delightful you must have gotten the wrong flavor". These same people are probably not reading this right now because they are at the gym for their second time today, or trying to savor the last few bites of a celery stick. But I can assure any naysayers that I actually tried 2 flavors- "wild strawberry" and "greek honey" (See above image). I would just like to point out that there aren't enough wild strawberries in the universe to make that stuff a tasty treat.

It was so depressing because I had such high hopes that it would be delectable. Even the lid said "Better than Good!". Really guys? Better than good? What gauge are you using for good-ness? Did you taste test with a goat? Because I have seen a goat chew on a beer can before, so you should probably upgrade to humans for such purposes.

In 25 years I haven't heard a peep about this crap, "greek yogurt" why now? Was regular yogurt not disgusting enough that they had to kick it up a notch? I know the culprit to the crap taste...protein...Which is what gives this snack its chalky texture.

How did they market this idea, "hey guys, I thought I would make this yogurt "better" by adding 10,000,000,000 grams of protein, it's so solid you almost have to chew it, oh and all these flavorings I have added don't do a damn thing to the bitterness, but we can still market it to any granola person alive". I then realized exactly how they decided to market it, they used John Stamos. For shame uncle Jessie. For shame.

I also tried kale this week, there just isn't enough time today to even try to go there...

The Poster Child for Healthy Living.

Today's post is brought to you by: these shitty tasting carrot sticks I am currently eating.

I swear, I am the worst example of healthy living.

I kinda feel like it doesn't matter if you are one of those weirdo 100% vegan tree huggin' hemp wearin' hippies who only ingests organic mush 24-7 and hikes the Appalachian trail barefoot OR if you are one of those eat whatever, and drink and smoke whatever because only the good die young. There are tons of cases of 90+ year old women who drink wine and smoke because they have done so since prohibition ended. And old dudes who have coveted their special brand of scotch since the paleolithic era. They are perfectly pickled.

I'm sure that the "perfectly pickled" people (say that 5 times fast!) are somewhat of a medical mystery. They probably have been getting yelled at by their doctors for decades, and despite their wishes kept up with those pesky habits.

Why do I mention these things? Because now, now I am a mom, and well no longer 21 - my metabolism went in the shitter after the baby got here. I don't feel quite as foxy as I should, and I actually have to formulate a plan to lose some poundage, and remain somewhat "healthy". I really don't want to set a bad example for Adeline that will haunt her for the rest of her life. And for me diet plans always work better than heavy duty exercise routines. Running, and playing any sort of sport is laughable when I am involved. The only time you will see my ass running is if something is chasing me. And sports, well, I played softball for barely one season when I was 10, and that mostly consisted of me walking up to bat, getting nailed with the ball, and getting to walk to first base. I don't even like sweating. Seriously, I didn't even sweat when I had a baby...Not gonna say it was easy (oh wait, it was) but I just don't like sweating. Which reminds me, I need to get the hell out of GA.

So there ya have it. I am stuck somewhere in the middle of not wanting to become the vegan spokeswoman for PETA who climbed Mt.Everest...Twice... And not wanting to become that 103 year old perfectly pickled pain in the ass who will never die and leave my children their well deserved inheritance. What can I say, I want to have my steak and eat it too!