Turtle Time

        Netflix has proven to be a sound investment for the Jones household. Between the online stream, and the new movies that come in from our queue there are lots of options for our viewing pleasure. Recently the husband thought it would be a good idea to add animal documentaries to the queue so that our child could be entertained and educated at the same time. My first response to his grand plan was: "You realize they will showcase these animals reproducing, birthing babies, and uh, dying. So have fun explaining all of those things."   -Pretty sure he responded with some version of "Nah, it will be fine."

      The next day rolls around and our first two movies show up. We choose to watch the Loggerhead Turtle movie. I was under the impression that this was a 40 minute movie, which is a perfect amount of time to keep the attention of a 4 year old. This little ditty follows one female turtle from birth to 21ish years (really guys? that can't be the same turtle). Clearly those guys didn't start this project in the late 80's and follow it until 2009. Advancements in filming and filming technology would have made the beginning of this film look like a bad home movie that progressively improves. I am getting off subject...point is, you guys just filmed a bunch of different turtles and then tried to pass it off to us as the same one. These turtles all look the same to me. *that sounded racist, sorry turtles.

      If I hadn't dozed off in the last half of this turtle extravaganza I would have a more accurate count to report, but here is my best estimate of uncomfortable situations:
-Death of turtles: 189 instances
-Death of other sea creatures: 289 instances
-Um, intimate turtle scenes: 5 instances
-Baby turtle eggs emerging from a place I'd rather not mention: 137 instances
I'm pretty sure those are pretty sound figures. 

      Thank god our kid got bored 35 minutes into it, or maybe she psychologically shut down after the 85th creature met it's untimely demise. Major props to my husband for explaining the turtles giving eachother a "piggy back ride". She made up her own fairly accurate description for the birthing scene, the turtle was "shooting marbles out of its butt."   ...Classic

       Us girls got bored and sort of checked out at the midway point, so we made small chit chat which fairly irritated Mr. Jones. He was determined to learn all of the things about the Loggerhead Turtle, and our little bored fest was interfering with that. After whining that it was a 40 minute movie that clearly was wearing out it's welcome he informed me that it was actually 1 hour and 20 minutes long, and that I obviously pulled the 40 minutes from my imagination. After I accepted the fact that I had been hoodwinked I gave watching the movie another shot, which resulted in dozing off rapidly. The kid distracted herself in some form or fashion so she didn't have to witness anymore awkward turtle moments. I did catch the end of the movie, and I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but, it did involve the star of the show shooting marbles out of... oh nevermind. 

Moral of the story:
 I retained 5% of what I learned about the Loggerhead Turtle, so if you are ever in the market for factoids about turtles that you will never have a practical application for - I'm your girl. I also lost 1 hour and 20 minutes of my life, that I will never get back. So there's that.

Parental Units

Let me preface this with one important tidbit. My parents are my best friends, and that is a delicate balance of awesome and strange. They do so very much for me, and I would do anything for them. And by anything I mean attempting to offer IT help and then blogging about the debacle later. I know, kid of the year right?

While at their house earlier I logged into my facebook account to jot down an email address that had been messaged to me. I got sidetracked and failed to log out of my account before I left and went home.
 Fast forward 3 hours and I get a call from my mom. She wants to surf facebook but is still logged in as me.
I try to walk her through logging out without seeing what she is seeing so that she can sign back in as herself. 99% of my own facebooking is done via my iPhone so I was trying to envision what the screen prompts are. I keep mentioning the top right corner being the area she needs, but she clicks the X which results in exiting the window out several times, but not actually logging out, and gets put right back to my account each time.  She is getting audibly angry.
For a second I think that maybe I should just drive over there and remedy the situation without causing her (or anyone around her) further stress.

I can hear my dad in the background, so I tell her to have him use his cell phone to screen shot what she is looking at so I can tell her what to click on to log out. I hear my dad take the photo, mumble, growl, mumble some more, and say that he doesn't know how to send the newly snapped photo to my cell phone. Something along the lines of "I don't know how to get the damn thing off of here". I can imagine that my mom is then burning a hole through his soul for his lack of fixing her current problem. I get off the phone and immediately FaceTime dad so I can just look at her screen that way. Dad answers it like a regular phone call. So I am fully connected via FaceTime but am looking at this:

That, that is the inside of dad's ear/and his face.  

This is also what my brain looks like when it melts from not knowing how to help them sometimes. 

So, I am looking at ear, and I still need to see the computer screen, and preferably before my mom kills him or reaches through the phone and kills me.

Dad: "hello? helllooo?"
in between Me: "Dad! hold the phone out in front of your face! hold the, just, Dad!"
Dad:   *turns phone from ear and out to his face*    "Oh hey! Look! It's Stefanie!"
Me: "Dad, give the phone to mom so I can see the computer screen"
Dad: "Here mom, Stef called us on Instagram, take the phone"
To which my mom shows me a sideways shot of the wrong part of the computer. I crane my neck 180 degrees so I can talk her through logging out and logging back in. She is successful. I? I feel like I have done something pretty major.

God bless America. And my parents.

Challenge Accepted?

I knew it was coming. I knew that amongst the dozens (and dozens) of ice bucket challenges flooding my facebook newsfeed that I too would soon be tagged to dump freezing water on my head in hopes of dodging a heftier donation fee to the ALS association. Which, I feel is really odd. Shouldn't we be promoting people to donate more for supporting something?

Just an observation: 2014 has brought on some interesting challenges, like the Fire Challenge which supports nothing but stupidity and the decline of the human race. Then of course this ice bucket challenge for something much better and more promising for the human race. 

Let's get this straight: We won't be seeing me on fire, or doused in ice this year kids. Sorry!

At any rate... let's review a few things we will see from me. I don't follow the crowd. HOWEVER I do like to be nice, and supportive. So we can expect that from me this year.

On the supportive note. Do you know who one of my number one supporters is? I will introduce you: 

His name is Butch, and he is my brother in law. He has been a part of my life for over 20 years. He has one of the best attitudes of anyone I know. He has dealt with and overcome more medical issues and "disabilities" than anyone I have ever met. Ever. You know immediately upon meeting with him that he never lets anything get him down. At 18 years old he was in an accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down. He was told he would be wheelchair bound for life. He proved everyone wrong by training himself to walk again. I can't even count the number of surgeries and procedures he has had since he has been a part of our family. 

About 3 years ago Butch was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Though he has had some set backs and adjustments to treatments and medications he is still his chipper self. It is remarkable how he handles what life throws at him. 

I promise, very much so promise, that I am not trying to take anything away from the severity of ALS, or the people fighting it and living with it. 

I just would like to bring awareness to other donating options in hopes that other people (faced with the ice challenge or not) will find a way to support very important organizations without the prompt of a facebook fad. Take a look around, find some things that you would like to support and do so. Don't have the cash on hand to throw out there? Volunteer a free afternoon, donate some items you have on hand at home. You never know what an organization could need or use that isn't a check that you may not have available at the time. 

I did stick to the donation part of this challenge, and donated money to the National MS Society because it hits closer to home for my family. 

 http://www.nationalmssociety.org/

In case any of you are huffy that I may or may not have donated something to someone here is a snippet/pic from the donation confirmation (cropped down because I don't need you all knowing where I live). SIDENOTE - I have actually not seen any confirmation that any of the videos I have seen in the last week have actually donated any amounts at all. Just an observation. Not discrediting anyone, but I find that interesting. 

I won't tag anyone in particular, if you find it in your heart or your schedule to give to a cause you personally wish to support please do. Need some inspiration? Check out http://greatnonprofits.org/ to help you decide which organization you would like to contribute to. 

As for Butch, keep on keepin' on with your chipper self! You are an inspiration to a lot of us. 

Adeline Decides - RECAP SEVEN

Recap time!
Day late and a dollar short, but I am ok with this. On top of the dozens of odd jobs I take on I decided to try a personal project. I found through a friend a challenge for 100 happy days. www.100happydays.com 
The deal - Daily you post a photo of something that makes you happy, for 100 days. It makes you take the time to think about things so I signed up. Because, I totally have time for that sort of thing right? Oh good.

If you want to see what makes me happy you can take a gander at the instagram account I am using for this project instagram.com/stefmcjones. 90% of the photos involve my kid, so there is that. What can I say, when you grow a person inside of your uterus you tend to be pretty proud when you finagle the bugger out of there 9 months later.
I mean really, what did you make today? If what you made is cooler than this I will give you a dollar: 

Disclaimer: I won't actually give you a dollar, it's a trick. 

I digress! You want to know what life altering decisions my three year old has been making right? She has pretty well secured her fate as an entertainer. I present exhibits A and B:

Neat right? If you want to book her for your next gig you are going to have to contact her agent, Bacon Jones. He will probably be busy getting shot in the face with air from a Minnie Mouse hair dryer though so be sure to leave a message and he will get back to you when he isn't being tortured to hell and back.

She has decided more often than not, to make insanely silly faces all the time. On or off camera.

I have no clue who she gets it from...

She's actually wearing a funny face, while making a funny face. Silly squared? I think probably yes. 

Likewise, she cuddles more frequently too:

And this experiment has brought about a new whirl of imagination and confidence. She decides to be anything and everything. Tiger girl:

She feels like she can help out with just about any project that anyone in our family might be doing. Like gardening:

If you liked this post, but don't know why or what experiment I am referencing. I started a project almost 6 months ago to let our toddler make a lot (like, a lot) of decisions for herself. If you would like to take a gander and the previous recaps and reviews you can check those out by following this link: http://littlemrsjonesss.blogspot.com/search/label/Adeline%20Decides
We are basically at the end of the project. That flew by didn't it! I will do one last Recap post as a finale of sorts. Stay tuned!

Through the Veil 2014

Photo compliments of http://www.cg-photo.biz/

I AM.

Since my first visit to the experience that is Through the Veil I have found myself spiraling into opportunity after opportunity both with the event, and outside of the event. 

It has helped me immensely in all areas of my life. To work harder, love harder, play harder. To think clearer, feel more, see more. Through the Veil has answered questions I feel everyone comes across at some point, and it holds out it's arms and takes in anyone that will allow it to. And it is just one weekend a year. Crazy right?

I am going to try to as briefly as possible explain the event and how my involvement has evolved.
Disclaimer: being brief went way the hell out the window. Way the hell. 

Thanks to my friend from the paranormal group I used to investigate with - fellow investigator (Jordan Duncan) convinced me to give it a try five years ago. My first year was Through the Veil #2. I had reservations about the -woman in charge- the director, Michelle. I had heard several negative things about her (from what I would learn later were very manipulative people) so I had a seriously skewed pre-conceived notion. I came into it judge-y and for that I am regretful. I was pregnant with my daughter at my first event. Had some interesting input from a few people that asked if they could touch my belly, which seemed odd to me at the time (I wish I could recall the face to the name of the woman who said "she" was going to be just fine). I didn't fully submerge myself into all 3 days, but I did hear some pretty amazing speakers in our short stint there that weekend. I was still too busy in the "I'm a new paranormal investigator and I want to believe that it is all just science". The touchy feely, these are spirits, your life has a bigger purpose here, and all the woo woo stuff went straight over my head. Straight over. I didn't feel moved or seriously motivated after that first event. I didn't let it. However, I had found a shop that had been a vendor that year, the Meditating Mantis. I would have NEVER found the Mantis without TTV, and my time spent in that shop until the day they closed their doors for business was invaluable to me. I began regularly meditating. I could write a novel of a post about my experiences and the synchronistic events that came from that. *adds to the to-do list*

The second event for me- Through the Veil #3. I was also sporadically at this one, didn't get down and dirty and go to all of the discussions, panels, and lectures. I was extremely impressed with the opening ceremony, and hearing James Redfield speak obviously led me to checking out the Celestine Prophecy series. I still hadn't quite "gotten it" by the time the weekend was over. I was too involved in life and it's motions, and trying to figure out the new mom thing that I wasn't paying attention.

Third - Through the Veil #4. My paranormal group (of which I had become director of) was a sponsor, and was selected to host the event's paranormal investigation. I organized most aspects of that, including the guest's transportation. I had also been invited to be a part of the volunteer staff that year. I was surprised Michelle actually wanted to have me help out. I had a ton of fun (possibly too much). I would have begged for another volunteer position, but thanks to the wonderfulness of Michelle she invited me back hands down before I even went home that weekend. I actually did a recap post after that TTV event, it can be found here.

Fourth - Through the Veil #5. I had become disenchanted with the pomp and circumstance of paranormal investigating. I felt that my time of sitting in the dark surrounded by gadgets had only answered half of my questions. My heart wasn't in it, and I couldn't be happy with it so I made the decision to resign from the paranormal group. Having resigned from the group I offered a seriously hefty chunk of my time to devote to the event. The day I notified Michelle that I had resigned/was at her disposal she had let me know that her assistant was no longer working with her. Divine intervention if you ask me. I became her assistant and spent the next six months filling the event's vendor area. I second guessed myself the entire time, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Fast forward to the weekend of. I not only learned a lot from the speakers (I made it a point to hear as much as possible) but I also learned a lot about myself. I also learned a lot about what I needed to do in the year following. I paid more attention to the connections and friends I was making over those 3 days. It was the first time I was physically pained leaving. I also realized there was no real way to thank Michelle for the chances she had given me thus far.

Fifth - Through the Veil #6. The event that ended just a few days ago. I must have done a bang up job on TTV 5 because Michelle kept right on plugging along with me helping as her assistant. Once the vendor area was squared away I was able to help out with other aspects of the event. From helping to prep the props, picking songs for the ceremony, to meeting with hotel staff to help plan the ins and outs. I still can't decide what convinced Michelle to utilize me is the capacity that she has, but I am happy she has.

So my answer to the most common question in regards to Through the Veil "What is it?". The answer would be:
It is a place to figure it out.
It?
What it? Well, you get to decide. Maybe you are looking for answers, the next move, how do I, what do I, and so on.
Maybe you have all your answers, you just want to learn something new in general. That can be accomplished. It is thought to be about the bridging of the paranormal field to the metaphysical. This event spans quite a bit more though, in my opinion. I can't bottle it up, I wish I could so you could see exactly what I am trying to put into words. I constantly say that it is a life changing event.
If you let it be.
Things aren't always impossible.

(beautiful art print by the wonderfully creative Paulina Cassidy, whom I met at one of the first TTV events, & was a guest speaker for us this year.)

The power of positive thinking, the laws of attraction, synchronicity, it all works and is all very real. It helped me turn my shy, quiet, stay under the radar, go unnoticed, slide by life feeling mediocre attitude into something pretty crazy. I have discovered that I have a voice, and it is worth being heard. Michelle putting her faith in my ability to get the job done catapulted me into a few other positions that I just can't even wrap my head around yet. You are as lucky as you will allow yourself to be. You are as loved as you will allow yourself to be. You are as happy as you will allow yourself to be. I am happy to report that I am convinced to the fullest that I am lucky, I am loved, and I am happy.

The general theme for this year was I AM and a moving away from a robotic/programmed way of thinking.

Photo compliments of http://www.cg-photo.biz/

Spectacular statue designed by the one and only Shane Garner. I had the best time working with Shane and Michelle on the props this year. 

 We had a board set up where we all wrote versions of what we are. I wrote I AM: honored to be here. First thing to pop in my mind, and I just can't think of what better to say.

One of our guest speakers hit the nail on the head:

I AM ME, AND THAT IS ENOUGH. -Callea Sherrill

What is your I AM?

Can't leave out some of the photos of friends from this year's event, this is the only place I have ever been where new friends feel like old friends, or better yet - family:

My niece Chelsia, and Jordan, the guy who introduced me to it all!

 The lovely Michelle and I.

 Paranormal Illusionist Aiden Sinclair. Always a wonderful time hanging out with him! 

Ms. Sas sang me the coolest birthday song ever. I am convinced she is an angel without wings. She also gave me this:

It is just as beautiful as she is, and she made it herself. Amazing calligraphy work. 

Adeline Decides - Recap SIX

Greetings beautiful people! I am not going to discuss what a slacker I have been on here, let's chalk it up to me being awesome at other things. I wear too many hats/too many irons in the fire/ possibly some sort of attention deficit disorder/ OH LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY. Maybe one day I will grow up, settle on one job that pays superbly vs. 10 small jobs that pay not as superbly, if at all. Meh probably not. Anyways, Adeline has been very busy making wonderful decisions so I shall recap for you now.

         Adeline has found a new hobby that she both enjoys, and is good at. Fishing! She only does this in 10 minute increments, and stops as soon as she catches anything. At any rate, catching her first fish at 3 years old is putting her on the fast track to becoming a redneck. She can boast about this later. Oh wait, she probably won't want to mention any of this. Good thing I am PUTTING IT ON THE INTERWEBS. Sorry sweet cheeks.

 Yea right dad, I am not touching that...

She has also found a new love for baking. She prepared (all steps aside from touching the oven) a birthday cake for her nanny: 

 It was crazy good for a three year old. She's got skillz. 

             Recently my company was asked to participate in a vintage fashion show at the local nursing home. Another freebie job but very rewarding. We had a blast, and Adeline decided that the nursing home is by far one of the coolest spots to hang out ever.The kid would have stayed if I let her! We brought over a wardrobe of vintage threads for the models to use, and naturally Adeline had to take a stroll on the cat walk as well. And to think, I was sure she would be too shy to waltz around in front of strangers. HA. I was probably just projecting my own nervousness because the staff gave me a microphone and let me do ALL THE TALKING. Yikes. 

Here she is in one of her fashion show ensembles:

              Summer festivities are upon us, and school has ended. Her gymnastics classes have wrapped up as well and she snagged a trophy at her final performance. She decided it was much too wonderful to hide from the world. The trophy made it around everywhere the days following. Restaurants, stores, grandma's house, etc. 

Here she is with the coveted trophy at our favorite mexican spot. 

This was post performance, so she still had the leotard and refused to put on pants, so we compromised by pulling her leg warmers way the hell up her legs to make pseudo pants. 

                Adeline received her passport this week. She was so proud of it, and said that it was her story. She had to read her story to everyone around, and she even told grandma that I was in it. 

She explained that the illustration below is mommy at a party:

So if you ever wanna party like it's 1799, I'm your girl! 

In case any of you are wondering if this little project of allowing a toddler to make so many of her own decisions has blown up in my face yet, which I am sure a few of you are... Trolls. I am happy to report that it has not blown up in my face at all. I now present some observations.

Adeline Decides - Observations thus far in our experiment:

She is more outspoken, less shy, yet still polite. We get constant compliments on her demeanor in general, especially in public places where a majority of toddlers act bat shit crazy. She is cool as a cucumber. Her diet has improved, as well as her appetite because she has more of a choice in what she consumes. Don't get me wrong, she asks for treats more often than not, but we compromise by getting those treats after we have regular meals. In most cases she enjoys the meals so much she forgets all about the treats. Sleeping patterns have improved a bit as well. 

If you would like to read more about Adeline and her antics, and what exactly we have been doing the last few months click here. 

50 States or Bust

Let me disclose that I cannot take full credit for this brilliant idea. I read an article in one of my parenting/soccer mom magazines someone purchased a subscription for me as a gift. In an issue they shared a story that inspired me to set a goal for our family.

Goal: We want to take Adeline to all 50 states by the time she graduates from high school. That is about 3ish states per year.
Lofty? Probably.
Crazy? Possibly.
Impossible? Nah.

For weeks I jokingly mentioned the 50 states or bust goal to Brett, and then to the rest of the family. In reality I was just verbalizing it enough to make it materialize, because it wasn't a few weeks after that mention that I invited she and I on a road trip my parents had planned almost a year prior. I don't normally invite myself on such adventures, but they agreed to let us stow away. The days following I packed us up for a 9 day/1,500+ mile trek up north. We hit 5 states that trip alone, and Adeline had a freaking blast. 8 months have passed and she still mentions it.

Thanks to my job (and what is evolving into quite the family business) as Junk Drunk Jones we get to travel a bit. We just got back from a trip out west that knocked off another 4 states on her list.

Is this goal gonna work out? I have no idea, but I am going to try like hell to make it happen. What is your favorite state? When we make it there, what should we be sure to see?

Thai Food

Recently my niece Chelsia started working with my family at our flooring company, and we share an office. I am pretty sure she has been bored to tears (physically) at least once. At least she gets to look forward to being around dad and I every day.

Dad: Hey kid, what the hell are you eating?
Chels: Thai food.
Dad: What? Cat food?
Chels: No! Thai food.
Dad: *blinks*
Chels: THAI FOOD. 
Dad: Huh? Stef, what is she trying to say to me?
Me: Thai food, dad. THAI food. You know, Thailand/ T-H-A-I.
Dad: Oh, so, ok.
Guess she could be eating a cat. (ok I may have said that last line... but I know dad was thinking it).

Luck of the Irish?

In honor of St. Patrick's Day I would like to provide a little proverb I heard from my father recently.
Let me start this by saying that my parents are a great source for really wacky sayings. Some are true blue southern sayings, and the rest I am fairly certain they just make up as they go. Some of the traditional stuff follows along the lines of: "colder than a well digger's ass" or "madder than an ol' wet hen" occasionally something is "rough as a cob", etc.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not immune to using the oldies but goodies, and I've been known to come up with a few odd lines myself.

When asking my dad how someone we knew happened to be so lucky all the time he found an interesting adage for me in the recesses of his mind. He could have just said "some people are just born lucky". Instead I got this:
"Some people can take a dump, fall in it, and wind up covered in gold. The rest of us? Well, we just wind up covered in shit".

Happy St. Patrick's Day, may you all wind up covered in GOLD today.

Adeline Decides - Recap Dos

I am realizing that the blog is turning into recap posts only. My apologies. It's a big experiment so it is taking up a lot of our time.

If you are new you can catch up by clicking HERE.

If you are not new, and you have actually read the garbage exceptional material that I type - congrats and high five for being awesome. There were some close calls this week with Adeline being the captain of the ship better known as my life. Now for some highlights.

I let her order my sushi:

I let her pick our Spring wardrobes. We took a trip to Target for a pair of flip flops. A PAIR. 2.5 hours and an undisclosed amount of dollars later and she and I both have lots (and lots) of new threads. I did direct her to the sale sections so that helped. She even nabbed this dress which she claims is hers, but that I can borrow when I need it. So sweet. It is pretty isn't it? I would love to wear it this week but Ms. Georgia Weather is being the usual bi-polar bitch that she is and I can't quite wear it yet because of another "cold snap". Blah.

 Disregard the demon and dead guy as part of the backdrop.

She decided on how to fill a lot of our free time this week, and that consisted of lots of craft projects and operating of large motor vehicles:

She almost had the liberty of deciding what the next household pet would be. I am not sure why she thinks the three absolutely insane dogs she already has aren't sufficient, but she really thought outside of the box this time. She requested a pet bat ( I blame the Great Mouse Detective). I made a few futile attempts to talk her out of such a crazy idea, one being a trip over to Pinterest to show her that bats are ugly and creepy. Um, that blew up in my face when we came across:

and:

I know right? The kid is onto something.

I was at that point convinced that we did indeed, need a pet bat. Thanks to the Georgia Department of Natural Resources - Wildlife Division for taking the wind out of everyone's sails. According to their handy dandy website we now know that will not be able to obtain such a pet, legally. Thanks a lot rules. You can see the list of things we are not allowed to have as pets by going  here. I think maybe some permits would fix that? But apparently bats are expensive, and you need to buy like, a whole slew of them (I think the technical term is a "colony"). Hindsight, acquiring a "colony" of an exotic species does seem like a bit of an undertaking.Totally a project that will happen should we win the lottery. We will have a full staff to tend to the colony. *sigh and end daydream*

Oh and she also selected our vegetable list for the week. We placed our first grocery order for farm fresh goods through Farm to Fork CSA. 

It was a pretty successful week for -Adeline decides-.

*Sidenote: When my dad brought home that pet turkey when I was little, that was apparently a big no-no too according to the exotic pet list. You can read about that debacle here.

Adeline Decides Recap Uno

As promised, there are some recaps from the past week that we are sharing with you now.

I mentioned in the last blog post that I intend to let my 3 year old make my decisions for me for the next 6 months. She did a bang up job this recap. Let's see, we spent much of last week snowed in so by the end of all that none of us wanted to make any decisions. We did eventually escape and it was a joint effort on her part and her dad to choose to go to the comic book store.

During our snowpocalypse Adeline decided to partake in some of my work endeavors. She is now the star of my Junk Drunk Jones YouTube channel. 

I have a sneaking suspicion my future Pick of the Week posts will be like this, and feature her goofy self. Sidenote - she selected the wardrobes for both of us for this video.

We also had a family dinner tonight where she picked the menu. See:

 You will note that in the photo you can also see my 30 year old husband's beautiful blue manicure compliments of the child as well. Real men wear nail polish! Remember that ladies.

 The little dear decided to have her cake, and lick it too.

Pretty cool cake my sister had made for the family dinner!

So far no regrets with the little experiment we have going. Stay tuned for the next recap! 

Gratefully Grateful 2013 Edition

Ta da!
This is kinda like re-heating leftovers, but I have a new batch of materialistic random crap that I am extremely thankful for. If not for anyone else, this will at least be refreshing for me after the 96 posts I had to weed through in the last few glances at my Facebook newsfeed.You will notice that this is becoming a tradition, me posting what I am grateful for (see last year's edition here).
*Luckily this was saved as a draft, and finished at a later date. It will make sense soon. I am grateful that -saved draft- is an option.

1) I am grateful for prescription glasses. Well, contacts too. I haven't quite been able to bring myself to letting a doctor shoot my eyes with laser beams. I rather like being able to see, so I am thankful for glasses. I am also thankful for the old man who works at my eye doc who successfully fulfilled my request for frames that would look like "Roy Orbison and Lisa Loeb's glasses had a baby." Sidenote- I hope they fired the 18 yr old who didn't know who Roy Orbison or Lisa Loeb were.

                                                   He totally nailed it right?


2) I am grateful for Woodchuck Hard Cider. I drank a healthy amount prior to typing this. That stuff is delicioso. I can recall trying to find booze while vacationing in the Poconos (jk nobody vacations there) and it took dad and I several hours half a day to figure out how you are supposed to successfully buy alcohol there. I wound up with two 40s of Cider. Someone was winning at life that weekend, and I think it was me.

3) I am grateful for Antiques. They are the basis of my life now. If you told the history nerd 10 year old me that this is what I would be doing when I was older I would have never believed it. Or, I would have gotten one hell of a head start, and be retired by now. That realization just blew my mind.

4) I am grateful for Mylar balloons. I never really payed attention to different species of balloons until I had a child. I don't even know how latex balloons still exist, they deflate when you look at them the wrong way. Mylar balloons? Those bitches stay floating for 3+ weeks. I am looking at one in my living room right now that is going strong at 4 weeks. I usually have to have this whole "I am tired of looking at you so I am cutting you down man" scenario play out.

** At this point I have realized I am just drinking and looking around my living room and picking random things. I am surprised an "I love lamp" hasn't made its way into the list. I think for the sake of good writing I will take a little siesta and hit this up at a later juncture.

Switched rooms to blog in, regrouped, and continue:

5)  I am grateful for my family. Not in the "the sun rises and sets in their asses" kind of way. Some days it does. I am grateful for the fact that individually, everyone in my family is fairly dysfunctional, and when we all get together it is a bit of a circus. A harmonious circus. We are all guaranteed to laugh at some point too, I am severely entertained by my family and our inner workings. From the outside we might appear to some to be rather Brady Bunch, but peel that back and we are a big fat can of crazy. I seem to have married into a similar situation, however it is apparently less acceptable to divulge in the craziness of people not of your own blood.

6) I am grateful for confidence. I have never felt more confident in myself, and the direction my life is going in as I do now.

7) I am grateful for liquid eyeliner. Really makes my dirt brown eyes pop.

8) I am grateful for the library. Ever heard of one? Oh it is really neat, has books and such. You take the books home for a while, hope your toddler doesn't eat them or hide them in a toilet, and then you give them back. Last month I managed to lose my library card, but was too lazy to pay the $1 to replace it because I just knew it was "around here somewhere". Forced my husband to get a library card to make up for my  incompetence - but not before my family heard my plight and my dad pleaded with me to take a $1 to replace the card and quit being an idiot. In other related news, my child looks so forward to Storytime Saturdays. She is a regular at our library with the staff, and I couldn't be more proud.

So, I am gratefully grateful. I hope you all have a joyous Thanksgiving holiday.

Half a Decade. America.

This celebratory post is in honor of two things.

1- TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY. I married that big ol lug 5 years ago. That is 1,826 days, half a decade, or more awkwardly, that would be 33 years in dog years.
I wouldn't trade a single one of those 1,826 days/33 dog years.

2- MY HUSBAND BECAME AN AMERICAN TODAY. Kind of ironic that his day of oath was scheduled to the date, 5 years from our wedding day.

American, or Canadian, I have had a limited amount of complaints with the guy. He puts up with a whole lot (whole lot) of shenanigans. I am constantly scheming things, typically insane business ventures. Steadily dragging random old stuff into our house and claiming it as decor. I buy too many shoes and I gradually takeover our entire closet (and bathroom sink respectively). I am constantly whipping up something new and delicious highly experimental in our kitchen.

But? I can count the amount of knock down drag out fights petty squabbles we have had on one hand. That is a pretty sweet track record. There is no such thing as fighting a Brett Jones. He is double my size, and has accidentally hugged me into throwing up. It helps tremendously that we have the cutest freakin' kid to direct a hefty portion of our attention. Our little trio is fairly unstoppable.

Icing on our happy little cake is that he got to ditch his green card today and be an official American citizen. We have both worked very hard over the last 5 years to get to this day, and I am very proud of him!

Here's to 5 years, looking forward to 100 more! Yes, I totally plan on the two of us being 127 and 130 years old. We will blend in perfectly with all of the antiques I am filling our house with.

Monday Wins.

My household decided to start this Monday off at 4am. FOUR O'CLOCK ANTE MERIDIEM (I know, it is too early for latin).
So, unless you are bringing me gifts at any point today, I don't want to see your face. Acceptable gift items may include but are not limited to: money, baked goods, pumpkin flavored items, or alcohol.

I am sure we can all guess who kicked off at 4am first. The kid. We took her to the fair for the first time last night. Apparently hanging out with carnies for hours and hours throws her beauty rest schedule off.
She opted for a two hour play date from 4-6am.

I have some sage parenting advice for anyone with a restless toddler in the house. This will apply for parents taking their 100th trip into their child's room to coax them back to slumber land.
You ready?
Play possum. 
There aren't any requests from your little dear for that extra story/glass of water/pillow fluff that can get through mommy acting as if she is dead to the world. Throw in some snores for good measure. Eventually the child will give up and follow suit.
60% of the time it works every time...

This parenting tip might just be as effective as my How to Potty Train Your Toddler in 3 Hours post. God bless anyone who ever takes anything I write seriously. 

Don't forget: I am still upset that it is Monday all day long, and I am still accepting gifts. 

Let's wrap up this post with some fair photos (sans the carnies):

Riding "Butterscotch" who she was convinced, was a donkey. 

Holy fun clown fish batman! That kid is having the time of her life! 

She was definitely the whitest kid in the bass boat. But not a care in the world! 

Pretty good lookin' crew eh? Those two probably shouldn't team up like that, it makes me look even shorter. 

I Miss You

...Hi, it's uh, it's me. Just dusting off the blog here, a little surprised no one has called DFCS and had her taken away from me due to neglect.

I know, I can hear you now:
"Where have you been? Who have you been seeing? Come home, the kids and I miss you!"

Shortest version possible is that I have been over here, doing work stuff. Big girl stuff, worky work, responsibilities. I could say keeping the house clean, but that is a total sham of a lie. I would lose my kid in this mess if she weren't freakishly huge for a two year old.

Another time suck lately? I have been working on legalizing my man friend. Resulting in hours of helping him study for the naturalization test. Apparently he and I learned that the President's cabinet does a lot more than "hold shit". May I point out that most citizens would not be able to answer half of these questions correctly without studying (wanna test yourself? click here). They could, however, tell you about 3 recipes they found on pinterest. Or what Miley Cyrus was wearing when she twerked herself into a media frenzy.

With the amount of ridiculously dumb people that can be found here in 'murica I was bewildered to see the crowd of folks at USCIS still trying to get in to join us. No wonder we get our feathers ruffled and cry "they take our jobs!". Well duh. Determined, bilingual individuals tend to make regular joes look like chumps. Especially if regular joes spend 99.9% of their time on facebook making typographical errors and posting pictures of themselves while drunk/something bacon related or both.
Read a book America, a book with words! 
Back to our process- Brett passed all of his tests, and is currently waiting on the final approval along with a notice to go in to take his oath. 

That short version of where I have been as of late got really out of hand didn't it?

I want to promise that I will write more often. However, I don't want to be like the husband who works "out of town" all the time, so I will cut it to you straight. If you don't see me here, take a look over at the business page. I am halfway appropriate over there. I tend to keep the sailor talk to a minimum, but some Mrs. Jones blogging is better than none right? So chin up! My sincerest gratitude to all of you who actually read the things that fall out of my mind.

State of the Union

This is a little change of pace for this blog, and in 150+ posts I haven't really skimmed any political topics. 
However, last night I watched the State of the Union address. 

I could tell by the facebook posts I saw that a lot of you people feel like our President is stealing our guns, giving us silly women way too much freedom, and hugging gay people a little too much. That is rather unfortunate that people feel that way.

Below you will find my synopsis, via bullet points, of some of the "hot topics" that people feel the need to rant about via ridiculous memes and ecards. Sidenote - I will take you and your political views more seriously if I see that you can articulate your own thoughts instead of copying and pasting, and extra points if you use proper grammar. Anyone in this boat will quite possibly just get angry enough to post an army of political memes after they read what I have to say.

I honestly can't complain too loudly because Brett and I both have jobs, a house, a happy child. We eat 3 meals a day. We send our kid to preschool to socialize not out of necessity.
7/8-ish years ago? I was taking clothes to consignment shops in order to get grocery money, hell I'd take back appliances and things to Wal Mart just to get store credit to buy food. I didn't even have a child to feed so I can't even imagine. I had too much pride to ask for handouts from family, and likewise from the state. I am not living in a bubble now, and I understand there are always people that are in seriously sad shape financially speaking. Regardless of political views, or current President. But I just have to share my experiences  and thought processes so that any of you who think I am as big of a "Hitler" as Obama is can at least see where I am coming from.

Whoa I digress, let me get back to the bullet points:

- LGBT community: I have friends and relatives respectively who have "the gay". Like the diabeetus (see Wilford Brimley), many people treat it like its some sort of condition. Relatives? It runs in my family! Do you think I'll catch it?! Like it's a damn disease. I have a newsflash for anyone who knocks on the lifestyle preferences of others, all of my friends and relatives who are gay love me just as much as my friends and relatives who aren't. I reciprocate that respect and love. I have no qualms with allowing them to have the same rights my husband and I have. To waste time and energy on this subject is just ridiculous to me. 

- Guns: can't say much here let's face it, my husband isn't a citizen so he isn't allowed to own any, and that hasn't a thing to do with a decision made by the current President.

- Immigration reform. Don't talk to me about that shit like its bad. I'm married to a green card holder.
Dually noted I thought he may have been gay when I first met him, so now I'm combining bullet points.
"But they'll let all the Mexicans in!".
 Oh, the ones that are already in here? Well, sounds shady. Why don't we let them pay taxes and function like the rest of us. While they clean up shop at US Immigration Services maybe Brett and I can get a step further in our own process before we goof up a form and they come and deport his ass.

You guys who think life is soooo terrible these days, try looming over your head the fact that your spouse could be removed from the country at any time and not have the option of coming back lickity split. Might throw a wrench in things, no?

Maybe all of the people I see complaining about piddly shit should get a letter or two from the Department of Homeland Security like we have that states in every opening line "failure to comply may result in removal from the United States". Please sit in your house on facebook all day and tell me how upset you are.
People would literally die to get in here, and a lot of folks joke about trying to get out. The door is open, trust me, getting in here isn't as easy as you think it is. I can promise you that not every person who is from another country is trying to get across our borders to do us all harm. I know one big, red bearded Canadian who is trying to get here to live his life with his family. Reform away I say. 

- Healthcare: The biggest, so far only, affect the new healthcare has had for us is that I now get free birth control and well visits. Couple hundred dollars a year, and no babies so the savings are rather astronomical.

- Women's rights: I have a vagina, so I'm game for whatever that bullet point entails. Women who aren't on board with giving women more rights or freedom? Typically the "honor thy husband" types. Obey, obey,  respect, and obey. *Insert corresponding bible verse here*. Bitch please! My husband better be honoring me. I'm a goddess. Now if you'll excuse me I have some free birth control to pick up.

Peace Out Mickey, Caillou's in Town

My kid finally found a cartoon she likes better than Mickey- and it's Canadian. Go figure.

The toon? Caillou. 

Here he is with his friends.

 Caillou: "Hate to toot my own horn here guys, but."

I have a short letter in regards to this new barrage of episodes I am forced to watch. 

Caillou, 

You bald little turkey, your complimentary colored world is making me batty. I went to Canada once, and there are more than 3 colors there. I'll swear on a moose if I have to. 

With love (I promise),

Me

Show questions and observations in general:

1) Why is Caillou so bald? He's 4, he should have a few hairs. His baby sister has a head full of hair. What gives.  sidenote: Brett gave him the benefit of the doubt and seems to think the kid has a "condition". This may explain the whining (see observation #4).

2) If anyone was wondering, Julia Child is not dead, Canada stole her and made her the narrator of Caillou. 

3) One episode there is a campground attendant that looks just like Brett. His name is Pierre (naturally). He gives Brett a run for his money with that turtle neck and tiny shorts combo. 

-Brett and Caillou, Summer of 2007. 

Bahahaha. Back off ladies he's all mine! 

And yes, that is a screen shot, from a YouTube video I had to rigorously search for on my computer in order to provide this illustration to this post. Don't judge me.

4) Any time that Caillou speaks, it sounds like he is whining. ANY TIME. EVERY TIME. Stop talking Caillou. 

In all seriousness, it's a pretty jolly little cartoon. And the grandma narrator has a rather soothing voice. Brett assured me that the complimentary color scheme is light hearted and used to convey some sort of happiness. Typical Brett. Why don't you go fold your turtle necks and tiny shorts mister! I'll be over here counting how many times I see the colors red, yellow, and blue.