Turtle Time

        Netflix has proven to be a sound investment for the Jones household. Between the online stream, and the new movies that come in from our queue there are lots of options for our viewing pleasure. Recently the husband thought it would be a good idea to add animal documentaries to the queue so that our child could be entertained and educated at the same time. My first response to his grand plan was: "You realize they will showcase these animals reproducing, birthing babies, and uh, dying. So have fun explaining all of those things."   -Pretty sure he responded with some version of "Nah, it will be fine."

      The next day rolls around and our first two movies show up. We choose to watch the Loggerhead Turtle movie. I was under the impression that this was a 40 minute movie, which is a perfect amount of time to keep the attention of a 4 year old. This little ditty follows one female turtle from birth to 21ish years (really guys? that can't be the same turtle). Clearly those guys didn't start this project in the late 80's and follow it until 2009. Advancements in filming and filming technology would have made the beginning of this film look like a bad home movie that progressively improves. I am getting off subject...point is, you guys just filmed a bunch of different turtles and then tried to pass it off to us as the same one. These turtles all look the same to me. *that sounded racist, sorry turtles.

      If I hadn't dozed off in the last half of this turtle extravaganza I would have a more accurate count to report, but here is my best estimate of uncomfortable situations:
-Death of turtles: 189 instances
-Death of other sea creatures: 289 instances
-Um, intimate turtle scenes: 5 instances
-Baby turtle eggs emerging from a place I'd rather not mention: 137 instances
I'm pretty sure those are pretty sound figures. 

      Thank god our kid got bored 35 minutes into it, or maybe she psychologically shut down after the 85th creature met it's untimely demise. Major props to my husband for explaining the turtles giving eachother a "piggy back ride". She made up her own fairly accurate description for the birthing scene, the turtle was "shooting marbles out of its butt."   ...Classic

       Us girls got bored and sort of checked out at the midway point, so we made small chit chat which fairly irritated Mr. Jones. He was determined to learn all of the things about the Loggerhead Turtle, and our little bored fest was interfering with that. After whining that it was a 40 minute movie that clearly was wearing out it's welcome he informed me that it was actually 1 hour and 20 minutes long, and that I obviously pulled the 40 minutes from my imagination. After I accepted the fact that I had been hoodwinked I gave watching the movie another shot, which resulted in dozing off rapidly. The kid distracted herself in some form or fashion so she didn't have to witness anymore awkward turtle moments. I did catch the end of the movie, and I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but, it did involve the star of the show shooting marbles out of... oh nevermind. 

Moral of the story:
 I retained 5% of what I learned about the Loggerhead Turtle, so if you are ever in the market for factoids about turtles that you will never have a practical application for - I'm your girl. I also lost 1 hour and 20 minutes of my life, that I will never get back. So there's that.

Challenge Accepted?

I knew it was coming. I knew that amongst the dozens (and dozens) of ice bucket challenges flooding my facebook newsfeed that I too would soon be tagged to dump freezing water on my head in hopes of dodging a heftier donation fee to the ALS association. Which, I feel is really odd. Shouldn't we be promoting people to donate more for supporting something?

Just an observation: 2014 has brought on some interesting challenges, like the Fire Challenge which supports nothing but stupidity and the decline of the human race. Then of course this ice bucket challenge for something much better and more promising for the human race. 

Let's get this straight: We won't be seeing me on fire, or doused in ice this year kids. Sorry!

At any rate... let's review a few things we will see from me. I don't follow the crowd. HOWEVER I do like to be nice, and supportive. So we can expect that from me this year.

On the supportive note. Do you know who one of my number one supporters is? I will introduce you: 

His name is Butch, and he is my brother in law. He has been a part of my life for over 20 years. He has one of the best attitudes of anyone I know. He has dealt with and overcome more medical issues and "disabilities" than anyone I have ever met. Ever. You know immediately upon meeting with him that he never lets anything get him down. At 18 years old he was in an accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down. He was told he would be wheelchair bound for life. He proved everyone wrong by training himself to walk again. I can't even count the number of surgeries and procedures he has had since he has been a part of our family. 

About 3 years ago Butch was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Though he has had some set backs and adjustments to treatments and medications he is still his chipper self. It is remarkable how he handles what life throws at him. 

I promise, very much so promise, that I am not trying to take anything away from the severity of ALS, or the people fighting it and living with it. 

I just would like to bring awareness to other donating options in hopes that other people (faced with the ice challenge or not) will find a way to support very important organizations without the prompt of a facebook fad. Take a look around, find some things that you would like to support and do so. Don't have the cash on hand to throw out there? Volunteer a free afternoon, donate some items you have on hand at home. You never know what an organization could need or use that isn't a check that you may not have available at the time. 

I did stick to the donation part of this challenge, and donated money to the National MS Society because it hits closer to home for my family. 

 http://www.nationalmssociety.org/

In case any of you are huffy that I may or may not have donated something to someone here is a snippet/pic from the donation confirmation (cropped down because I don't need you all knowing where I live). SIDENOTE - I have actually not seen any confirmation that any of the videos I have seen in the last week have actually donated any amounts at all. Just an observation. Not discrediting anyone, but I find that interesting. 

I won't tag anyone in particular, if you find it in your heart or your schedule to give to a cause you personally wish to support please do. Need some inspiration? Check out http://greatnonprofits.org/ to help you decide which organization you would like to contribute to. 

As for Butch, keep on keepin' on with your chipper self! You are an inspiration to a lot of us. 

You Matter.

Yesterday afternoon I took Adeline to our local library to pick out her weekly stack of books. We found a suitable pile of reading material and then found a spot at a table so I could read a few to her before checking them all out. I really didn't want to dawdle because the list of errands was high so I zoomed through two small books.

On our way to the check out counter she stopped by the movie shelves. I was trying to coax her away from the stacks and stacks of VHS tapes because we really needed to get to the tire shop to have my car serviced.
She seemingly ignored me and scanned through the videos to make a selection. We do actually own a VHS player at home so I couldn't really pull the "nobody watches VHS tapes kiddo, let's go" line. I was trying everything I had up my sleeve to get out of there without adding to the already heavy pile in my arms.

Alas, she was already clinging tightly to two VHS tapes. I urged her to hurry and that we probably didn't need to bring home movies and books this week but she insisted: "I have to take these home". So I said that was fine let's go. The child chose these two movies:

Of course, later that evening we heard of the passing of Robin Williams. My heart sank. 

It is hard to imagine what other people are feeling and fighting, especially in a world where many of us are more worried about what we are feeling at any given time. The demons in your head can be very, very real. I have loved ones both alive and gone who do and have battled with depression and substance abuse. I have only two words for everyone, currently battling or not, to read: 

YOU MATTER. 

Period.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide please contact the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 - or for young adults and teens to chat anonymously on line: 

http://www.remedylive.com/

Making the choice to call a helpline is essentially an act of courage. It takes a great deal of strength to admit you have a problem and begin the recovery process of putting your life back together. If you or someone you care about is struggling with an issue related to an addiction to drugs or alcohol, the best thing you can do is to reach out for help by calling 1-888-299-5213 at any time of the day or night, seven days a week. http://www.recovery.org/

Rest in peace Mr. Williams. You will be severely missed by many. 

Adeline Decides - RECAP SEVEN

Recap time!
Day late and a dollar short, but I am ok with this. On top of the dozens of odd jobs I take on I decided to try a personal project. I found through a friend a challenge for 100 happy days. www.100happydays.com 
The deal - Daily you post a photo of something that makes you happy, for 100 days. It makes you take the time to think about things so I signed up. Because, I totally have time for that sort of thing right? Oh good.

If you want to see what makes me happy you can take a gander at the instagram account I am using for this project instagram.com/stefmcjones. 90% of the photos involve my kid, so there is that. What can I say, when you grow a person inside of your uterus you tend to be pretty proud when you finagle the bugger out of there 9 months later.
I mean really, what did you make today? If what you made is cooler than this I will give you a dollar: 

Disclaimer: I won't actually give you a dollar, it's a trick. 

I digress! You want to know what life altering decisions my three year old has been making right? She has pretty well secured her fate as an entertainer. I present exhibits A and B:

Neat right? If you want to book her for your next gig you are going to have to contact her agent, Bacon Jones. He will probably be busy getting shot in the face with air from a Minnie Mouse hair dryer though so be sure to leave a message and he will get back to you when he isn't being tortured to hell and back.

She has decided more often than not, to make insanely silly faces all the time. On or off camera.

I have no clue who she gets it from...

She's actually wearing a funny face, while making a funny face. Silly squared? I think probably yes. 

Likewise, she cuddles more frequently too:

And this experiment has brought about a new whirl of imagination and confidence. She decides to be anything and everything. Tiger girl:

She feels like she can help out with just about any project that anyone in our family might be doing. Like gardening:

If you liked this post, but don't know why or what experiment I am referencing. I started a project almost 6 months ago to let our toddler make a lot (like, a lot) of decisions for herself. If you would like to take a gander and the previous recaps and reviews you can check those out by following this link: http://littlemrsjonesss.blogspot.com/search/label/Adeline%20Decides
We are basically at the end of the project. That flew by didn't it! I will do one last Recap post as a finale of sorts. Stay tuned!

Through the Veil 2014

Photo compliments of http://www.cg-photo.biz/

I AM.

Since my first visit to the experience that is Through the Veil I have found myself spiraling into opportunity after opportunity both with the event, and outside of the event. 

It has helped me immensely in all areas of my life. To work harder, love harder, play harder. To think clearer, feel more, see more. Through the Veil has answered questions I feel everyone comes across at some point, and it holds out it's arms and takes in anyone that will allow it to. And it is just one weekend a year. Crazy right?

I am going to try to as briefly as possible explain the event and how my involvement has evolved.
Disclaimer: being brief went way the hell out the window. Way the hell. 

Thanks to my friend from the paranormal group I used to investigate with - fellow investigator (Jordan Duncan) convinced me to give it a try five years ago. My first year was Through the Veil #2. I had reservations about the -woman in charge- the director, Michelle. I had heard several negative things about her (from what I would learn later were very manipulative people) so I had a seriously skewed pre-conceived notion. I came into it judge-y and for that I am regretful. I was pregnant with my daughter at my first event. Had some interesting input from a few people that asked if they could touch my belly, which seemed odd to me at the time (I wish I could recall the face to the name of the woman who said "she" was going to be just fine). I didn't fully submerge myself into all 3 days, but I did hear some pretty amazing speakers in our short stint there that weekend. I was still too busy in the "I'm a new paranormal investigator and I want to believe that it is all just science". The touchy feely, these are spirits, your life has a bigger purpose here, and all the woo woo stuff went straight over my head. Straight over. I didn't feel moved or seriously motivated after that first event. I didn't let it. However, I had found a shop that had been a vendor that year, the Meditating Mantis. I would have NEVER found the Mantis without TTV, and my time spent in that shop until the day they closed their doors for business was invaluable to me. I began regularly meditating. I could write a novel of a post about my experiences and the synchronistic events that came from that. *adds to the to-do list*

The second event for me- Through the Veil #3. I was also sporadically at this one, didn't get down and dirty and go to all of the discussions, panels, and lectures. I was extremely impressed with the opening ceremony, and hearing James Redfield speak obviously led me to checking out the Celestine Prophecy series. I still hadn't quite "gotten it" by the time the weekend was over. I was too involved in life and it's motions, and trying to figure out the new mom thing that I wasn't paying attention.

Third - Through the Veil #4. My paranormal group (of which I had become director of) was a sponsor, and was selected to host the event's paranormal investigation. I organized most aspects of that, including the guest's transportation. I had also been invited to be a part of the volunteer staff that year. I was surprised Michelle actually wanted to have me help out. I had a ton of fun (possibly too much). I would have begged for another volunteer position, but thanks to the wonderfulness of Michelle she invited me back hands down before I even went home that weekend. I actually did a recap post after that TTV event, it can be found here.

Fourth - Through the Veil #5. I had become disenchanted with the pomp and circumstance of paranormal investigating. I felt that my time of sitting in the dark surrounded by gadgets had only answered half of my questions. My heart wasn't in it, and I couldn't be happy with it so I made the decision to resign from the paranormal group. Having resigned from the group I offered a seriously hefty chunk of my time to devote to the event. The day I notified Michelle that I had resigned/was at her disposal she had let me know that her assistant was no longer working with her. Divine intervention if you ask me. I became her assistant and spent the next six months filling the event's vendor area. I second guessed myself the entire time, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Fast forward to the weekend of. I not only learned a lot from the speakers (I made it a point to hear as much as possible) but I also learned a lot about myself. I also learned a lot about what I needed to do in the year following. I paid more attention to the connections and friends I was making over those 3 days. It was the first time I was physically pained leaving. I also realized there was no real way to thank Michelle for the chances she had given me thus far.

Fifth - Through the Veil #6. The event that ended just a few days ago. I must have done a bang up job on TTV 5 because Michelle kept right on plugging along with me helping as her assistant. Once the vendor area was squared away I was able to help out with other aspects of the event. From helping to prep the props, picking songs for the ceremony, to meeting with hotel staff to help plan the ins and outs. I still can't decide what convinced Michelle to utilize me is the capacity that she has, but I am happy she has.

So my answer to the most common question in regards to Through the Veil "What is it?". The answer would be:
It is a place to figure it out.
It?
What it? Well, you get to decide. Maybe you are looking for answers, the next move, how do I, what do I, and so on.
Maybe you have all your answers, you just want to learn something new in general. That can be accomplished. It is thought to be about the bridging of the paranormal field to the metaphysical. This event spans quite a bit more though, in my opinion. I can't bottle it up, I wish I could so you could see exactly what I am trying to put into words. I constantly say that it is a life changing event.
If you let it be.
Things aren't always impossible.

(beautiful art print by the wonderfully creative Paulina Cassidy, whom I met at one of the first TTV events, & was a guest speaker for us this year.)

The power of positive thinking, the laws of attraction, synchronicity, it all works and is all very real. It helped me turn my shy, quiet, stay under the radar, go unnoticed, slide by life feeling mediocre attitude into something pretty crazy. I have discovered that I have a voice, and it is worth being heard. Michelle putting her faith in my ability to get the job done catapulted me into a few other positions that I just can't even wrap my head around yet. You are as lucky as you will allow yourself to be. You are as loved as you will allow yourself to be. You are as happy as you will allow yourself to be. I am happy to report that I am convinced to the fullest that I am lucky, I am loved, and I am happy.

The general theme for this year was I AM and a moving away from a robotic/programmed way of thinking.

Photo compliments of http://www.cg-photo.biz/

Spectacular statue designed by the one and only Shane Garner. I had the best time working with Shane and Michelle on the props this year. 

 We had a board set up where we all wrote versions of what we are. I wrote I AM: honored to be here. First thing to pop in my mind, and I just can't think of what better to say.

One of our guest speakers hit the nail on the head:

I AM ME, AND THAT IS ENOUGH. -Callea Sherrill

What is your I AM?

Can't leave out some of the photos of friends from this year's event, this is the only place I have ever been where new friends feel like old friends, or better yet - family:

My niece Chelsia, and Jordan, the guy who introduced me to it all!

 The lovely Michelle and I.

 Paranormal Illusionist Aiden Sinclair. Always a wonderful time hanging out with him! 

Ms. Sas sang me the coolest birthday song ever. I am convinced she is an angel without wings. She also gave me this:

It is just as beautiful as she is, and she made it herself. Amazing calligraphy work. 

Luck of the Irish?

In honor of St. Patrick's Day I would like to provide a little proverb I heard from my father recently.
Let me start this by saying that my parents are a great source for really wacky sayings. Some are true blue southern sayings, and the rest I am fairly certain they just make up as they go. Some of the traditional stuff follows along the lines of: "colder than a well digger's ass" or "madder than an ol' wet hen" occasionally something is "rough as a cob", etc.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not immune to using the oldies but goodies, and I've been known to come up with a few odd lines myself.

When asking my dad how someone we knew happened to be so lucky all the time he found an interesting adage for me in the recesses of his mind. He could have just said "some people are just born lucky". Instead I got this:
"Some people can take a dump, fall in it, and wind up covered in gold. The rest of us? Well, we just wind up covered in shit".

Happy St. Patrick's Day, may you all wind up covered in GOLD today.

Dream Sharing

The title suggests something fanciful and fun. However, what happened at 5:00 am this morning was neither fanciful or fun.

I was having a pretty vivid dream, I was in a building (possibly my house) and I saw a large spider, so I got a can of bug spray and sprayed it. The spider then turned into dozens and dozens of smaller spiders that then jumped on me and started crawling all over me (disgusting right?). I am then trying to frantically brush them and throw them off of my body.
All of a sudden I woke up from the bad dream to Adeline screaming and crying at the top of the stairs. Which was a welcome reprieve from the spider attack that was going on in my mind. 

I quickly ran up the stairs to see what was wrong and all she was saying was "Mommy! Get the spiders off of me!" and was swatting at her legs and crying. I picked her up and asked her to try to tell me what was going on and she then realized she was dreaming and that there weren't physically any spiders on her body and she said, "It was a very bad dream the spiders are everywhere". I of course told her I was having a bad dream too, and was totally freaked out at that point that all of this is going down.

I also told her that I would sleep the rest of the night with her in her bed and we could make sure that the spiders and bad dreams stay away. We get tucked in and she says, "let's hold hands because we are best friends". Off to sleep land we went.

Has anyone else ever had this happen before? I don't know if every detail was the same for her because she didn't exactly explain through all the crying every little part of it, and I sure wasn't going to ask her to keep talking about it.

Monday Wins.

My household decided to start this Monday off at 4am. FOUR O'CLOCK ANTE MERIDIEM (I know, it is too early for latin).
So, unless you are bringing me gifts at any point today, I don't want to see your face. Acceptable gift items may include but are not limited to: money, baked goods, pumpkin flavored items, or alcohol.

I am sure we can all guess who kicked off at 4am first. The kid. We took her to the fair for the first time last night. Apparently hanging out with carnies for hours and hours throws her beauty rest schedule off.
She opted for a two hour play date from 4-6am.

I have some sage parenting advice for anyone with a restless toddler in the house. This will apply for parents taking their 100th trip into their child's room to coax them back to slumber land.
You ready?
Play possum. 
There aren't any requests from your little dear for that extra story/glass of water/pillow fluff that can get through mommy acting as if she is dead to the world. Throw in some snores for good measure. Eventually the child will give up and follow suit.
60% of the time it works every time...

This parenting tip might just be as effective as my How to Potty Train Your Toddler in 3 Hours post. God bless anyone who ever takes anything I write seriously. 

Don't forget: I am still upset that it is Monday all day long, and I am still accepting gifts. 

Let's wrap up this post with some fair photos (sans the carnies):

Riding "Butterscotch" who she was convinced, was a donkey. 

Holy fun clown fish batman! That kid is having the time of her life! 

She was definitely the whitest kid in the bass boat. But not a care in the world! 

Pretty good lookin' crew eh? Those two probably shouldn't team up like that, it makes me look even shorter. 

Nice Pigeon.

Neighbor: "Hey, did you lose a pigeon? I found one earlier, thought it might be yours." 
Me: "Well lets see, I lost the garage opener the other day, and a pair of headphones recently, but nope no pigeons."

--What do you have to do in order for someone to be like, "Holy crap! Look hunny! There's a pigeon. I bet it's Stefanie's."

When, oh when, did I become -that girl-?

Granted, I was voted "most likely to own a pet pigeon" in high school so this shouldn't be a surprise.  

And now? I'm genuinely curious as to how cool it might be to have one. At least if I lost the little bastard my neighbors would think to call me first if they found it.

Anyone have pigeons? Pros/cons? I envision it being smarter than all three of my dogs put together. Sorry pups. 

Turkeys, Hours, and Furbys Oh My!

I have 3 insanely important topics to share with you all on this lovely, pollen infested, spring morning in GA.

1-First things first: TURKEY. Upon leaving my driveway this morning I spotted a huge, like really huge, turkey nonchalantly grazing in my neighbor's yard. I slowed my car to a halt - honestly my first instinct was to roll the window down and talk to it. Kinda glad I didn't go with that plan. I also considered chasing it down into our yard so my kid could see it when she woke up. But, I didn't want to be "that girl". I just kept driving, it's better this way. My neighbors already think I am weird enough, then again, i'm not the one with turkeys in my yard either. Sidenote-We all know turkeys make excellent pets, right? Show of hands - who has had a pet turkey? Guys? Just me?(see link here). 

2-I would also like to point out that every retail store on the planet really needs to post their store hours in a larger font. Seriously guys, I can't possibly drive my car that close or that slow to the front door of your building to read your point 10 sized font that says I am 35 minutes too early. And? When I go park my car, get my shit together, lock my car, and walk to your front door to read your point 10 sized font - people are watching me and laughing. Whilst they laugh I have to shake my head in dismay, walk back to my car, unlock, and sit like a fool for the remaining wait time hoping some other idiot does the same exact thing I just did so I can join the peanut gallery and laugh too. Large franchise chain stores: I am positive that even in this down economy you can spring for a bigger store hour sign. I am begging you. 

3-And lastly, if anyone gives your child a Furby it is a pretty good indication that they may hate you. I didn't like Furby 15 years ago, and I don't care too much for it now either. Humor me, and go to the Hasbro website (or google Furby). The new re-vamped line of Furbys current motto/tagline? "Furby, A Mind of it's Own". No, just no. Toys aren't supposed to have a mind of their own. That is like some I, Robot shit going on that I can't handle.

          Adeline's Furby is pink, yet it sounds just like Mr. Chow(from the Hangover)-which in all honesty is it's only saving grace with me. However, I would definitely prefer a crazy naked Asian man running around instead of this thing. At least I would then have a chance at my kid not wanting to drag it around everywhere. Adeline scoffed at my name suggestion of Mr. Chow, so she just calls her little dear Furby. As per it's instruction manual her attitude develops via the way she gets treated. There is our first problem eh? It also states that as time passes she will learn English, she learns from what we say to her. Perfect. Right now she speaks "Furbish" and also says, "OH EM GEE, LIKE OHMAHGOSH". That is the only English she seems to have been programmed with pre-us talking to it and "training" it to speak like we do. SonofaKillMeNow.

To add to the irritation factor, the new re-vamped Furby now comes with an iPhone app, so aside from this darling toy commandeering my sanity, she also commandeers my only line of normal communication with the outside world. Well played Hasbro, well played.

          She also has an alter ego which is just precious. The kiddo and I played a little rough threw her a few times for good measure - she immediately went into this jumpy, blinky frenzy, closed her creepy little eyes and when they popped back open she was growling in a deep man voice and anytime Adeline would talk to her she would burp in response, followed by more growling.    ...Shit will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. You think we need to worry about a nuclear meltdown? Nah, I think they are just planning to infiltrate via Furby contraptions in American households. After all, they have a mind of their own. 

The more you know right?

State of the Union

This is a little change of pace for this blog, and in 150+ posts I haven't really skimmed any political topics. 
However, last night I watched the State of the Union address. 

I could tell by the facebook posts I saw that a lot of you people feel like our President is stealing our guns, giving us silly women way too much freedom, and hugging gay people a little too much. That is rather unfortunate that people feel that way.

Below you will find my synopsis, via bullet points, of some of the "hot topics" that people feel the need to rant about via ridiculous memes and ecards. Sidenote - I will take you and your political views more seriously if I see that you can articulate your own thoughts instead of copying and pasting, and extra points if you use proper grammar. Anyone in this boat will quite possibly just get angry enough to post an army of political memes after they read what I have to say.

I honestly can't complain too loudly because Brett and I both have jobs, a house, a happy child. We eat 3 meals a day. We send our kid to preschool to socialize not out of necessity.
7/8-ish years ago? I was taking clothes to consignment shops in order to get grocery money, hell I'd take back appliances and things to Wal Mart just to get store credit to buy food. I didn't even have a child to feed so I can't even imagine. I had too much pride to ask for handouts from family, and likewise from the state. I am not living in a bubble now, and I understand there are always people that are in seriously sad shape financially speaking. Regardless of political views, or current President. But I just have to share my experiences  and thought processes so that any of you who think I am as big of a "Hitler" as Obama is can at least see where I am coming from.

Whoa I digress, let me get back to the bullet points:

- LGBT community: I have friends and relatives respectively who have "the gay". Like the diabeetus (see Wilford Brimley), many people treat it like its some sort of condition. Relatives? It runs in my family! Do you think I'll catch it?! Like it's a damn disease. I have a newsflash for anyone who knocks on the lifestyle preferences of others, all of my friends and relatives who are gay love me just as much as my friends and relatives who aren't. I reciprocate that respect and love. I have no qualms with allowing them to have the same rights my husband and I have. To waste time and energy on this subject is just ridiculous to me. 

- Guns: can't say much here let's face it, my husband isn't a citizen so he isn't allowed to own any, and that hasn't a thing to do with a decision made by the current President.

- Immigration reform. Don't talk to me about that shit like its bad. I'm married to a green card holder.
Dually noted I thought he may have been gay when I first met him, so now I'm combining bullet points.
"But they'll let all the Mexicans in!".
 Oh, the ones that are already in here? Well, sounds shady. Why don't we let them pay taxes and function like the rest of us. While they clean up shop at US Immigration Services maybe Brett and I can get a step further in our own process before we goof up a form and they come and deport his ass.

You guys who think life is soooo terrible these days, try looming over your head the fact that your spouse could be removed from the country at any time and not have the option of coming back lickity split. Might throw a wrench in things, no?

Maybe all of the people I see complaining about piddly shit should get a letter or two from the Department of Homeland Security like we have that states in every opening line "failure to comply may result in removal from the United States". Please sit in your house on facebook all day and tell me how upset you are.
People would literally die to get in here, and a lot of folks joke about trying to get out. The door is open, trust me, getting in here isn't as easy as you think it is. I can promise you that not every person who is from another country is trying to get across our borders to do us all harm. I know one big, red bearded Canadian who is trying to get here to live his life with his family. Reform away I say. 

- Healthcare: The biggest, so far only, affect the new healthcare has had for us is that I now get free birth control and well visits. Couple hundred dollars a year, and no babies so the savings are rather astronomical.

- Women's rights: I have a vagina, so I'm game for whatever that bullet point entails. Women who aren't on board with giving women more rights or freedom? Typically the "honor thy husband" types. Obey, obey,  respect, and obey. *Insert corresponding bible verse here*. Bitch please! My husband better be honoring me. I'm a goddess. Now if you'll excuse me I have some free birth control to pick up.

School Buses, and Pizza Reports.

Yesterday was weird. I really can't think of another way to describe it.

I woke up with a cold, so maybe my mind was a bit vacant with the cold meds. Work was work - though the paranormal group is really keeping me on my toes these days. Taking on Case Manager at a time that is busier than we have seen in 4+ years was not one of my better plans. If this second cell phone I have to carry rings one more time and I have to hear about a "demonic possession"  "or enter any other totally bat shit crazy description here" I myself will go bat shit crazy. People have got to stop watching movies and watching tv. As an investigator who gets paid $0 I sure have to weed through a lot of shit to get to do what I like to do, which is help people who could actually use our services and not the services of a mental health professional.

Anyways, I digress. I get home and right around the end of nap time (2:00-2:30ish) I am in my daughter's room. Her room faces the street. I hear the school bus, which is a normal noise for that time frame so I ignore. I do notice that it is sounding rather close today, and it isn't driving away. For good measure I peek out her window. I see the bus parked near my front yard, and a woman standing close to my driveway. I think nothing of this at first glance, but then it occurs to me I don't see any children outside with her so it isn't a mom walking her kid home, the only kids around are still on the bus. I look again, and I see that the woman has a school employee lanyard/badge on. I look down and see that she is holding something, so I squint a little. It then occurs to me that the woman is holding MY MAILBOX. I also see at that point that the post, or what used to be the post is now also completely jacked up, it also occurs to me that all of this is so because SHE RAN IT ALL OVER WITH THE SCHOOL BUS. I watch for a few seconds as she looks at post then box, post then box. It is then I decide to round up the baby and go outside to pull a Stewie and say "hey, whatcha doin?". By the time I get downstairs with her, fend off our 3 dogs so they don't bolt out the door, and walk around our sidewalk I notice something rather startling. The school bus with the questionable driver? It is gone. Gone, gone, gone. I can't even hear where it is anymore. So Adeline and I stare at our sad little mailbox, mail all askew inside like a hamster on crack packed the contents for us. We take a few minutes to retrieve the mail from the new custom ground box and go inside to call Brett. I am still in a daze because it is kinda funny and well, this shit doesn't happen often (knock on wood). Brett calls the school transportation department, they exchange a call or two throughout the afternoon, resulting in the person he really needs to speak to not calling him back.

Then we have to file a police report, because apparently mailboxes are like, federal property or some shit. And you can't be takin your big fancy school bus a runnin them over all willy nilly and leaving the scene before the confused as shit person who owns it comes out to confront you about it. Not kosher. So, as Adeline says the "pizza" men, in the fancy "pizza" car come to file a report. Sidenote - mailboxes are no joke for the wallet, some $200+ for our mail receptacle and post. I may be in the wrong business.

I will say that by this morning the school transportation department was getting started on getting our replacement mailbox. Fingers crossed they work quickly. I am pretty sure the United States Postal Service won't deliver my mail to the ground in the meantime.

Reindeer games

On the drive to work this morning I get the feeling that someone is riding my bumper, I take a glance in the rear view mirror and I see a fuzzy little pair of reindeer antlers.
I then have to adjust the mirror so that I can see what is attached to this corny christmas decor, and I see a yellow VW beetle. I speed up a little to see A-why is the tiny car in such a hurry, I am in the right lane and B-who is furiously driving this little car. I see a man in his late 30's. I also see that he has a hawaiin lei draping his ridiculous little mirror, but even better - he has adorned his front license plate with a HARLEY DAVIDSON tag. Hardcore sir, hardcore.

Wish I could have rolled down the window and said, "You drive the equivalent to the Vespa of motorcycles, so get off my ass. I totally understand why you are such an aggressive driver though. It is probably mentally and physically painful to drive such a gay looking car. If you really want to be seen and heard on the road so that you can get to work in a timely manner, perhaps you should purchase a loud, manly truck, or harley since you are apparently a fan, not a pregnant roller skate. Just a suggestion."

Automation station

As we prepare to move I have been calling all of our utility companies so that I can set up disconnect dates. Of course they are all getting confused about how awesome our situation is and how no, I don't need to reconnect at the new location. I am not moving to a new house, I am moving to mom and dads. Or as Brett and I like to say, with "our roommates" -Grandma's boy reference. ftw.

I also just realized how stupid I sounded on the phone with GA Power. They have 50% of their customer service line handled by an automated person. You know, the one where you have to physically say what you want vs. pressing a number to move onto the next step. I am currently at the office so I know I sounded like an idiot. Another thing I have learned is that those fake customer service reps have really shitty hearing, and similarly can't understand my dialect. Got a lot of -"I'm sorry, I didn't understand you" Yes automated person, you are sorry.

If your office were close to mine the last 10 minutes would have sounded something like this:

"This music sucks, I hate being on hold, oh wait the music stopped!"

"english" ...

"ENGLISH!"

"existing customer" ....

dammit, "EXISTING CUSTOMER!"

"no way I am not saying my social security number out loud. Why can't I just push in my account number? Stupid automation..."

beep beep beep, beep beep, beep beep beep beep

"yes, that is correct"

"YES THAT IS CORRECT"

"disconnect service"

ughhhhhhhhhhhhh "DISCONNECT SERVICE!"

Eventually I got to talk to a person IN REAL LIFE. I think I offended he/she when I said yes ma'am for like the 3rd time.Ok, so it must have been a guy. Or a ticked off lesbian. Who knows, I was sure to be polite either way. I think by the end of the convo he/she felt bad for me and even added in a "good luck with your house stuff."

That was very thoughtful of him/her.

Home Sweet Home?

home sweet home

Unfortunately my home has been anything but sweet lately. I feel like I live in a hotel. Except that everyone has the room key and comes in to look at my stuff.

I love our little house, but that's just it, we feel like we have already run out of room. The barrage of new baby toys and gadgets has not helped our cause.

When we bought the house we are in I was the only one who could prequalify, because the government still hated Brett (and they still do for the most part). At any rate, they granted him permission to now qualify with me for a home loan. They figured they are sucking enough money out of his paycheck each week why not. So we kicked around the idea of selling our house and buying something we can stay in forever. Room to grow. Room to store stuff, room to entertain, you know just ROOM.

So we listed the house, and we had some steady traffic. It of course all seemed easier in my head. When your house is on the market you can't just keep it "clean". We kept our house clean already. Dishes were always done, laundry always put away, baby toys fairly organized, etc... When you are showing your house it has to be like no one really lives there. They need to picture it being their own home. So it is a fun game of "hide all of our shit". Maybe I am a little OCD and it is just now becoming apparent to me.

Another fun factor? Those dogs we have. Seriously, who's idea was it to have 3 dogs!? Damn my fate of obtaining rescue animals. Every time someone would want to show the house I would do the -hide your shit- scramble. Then proceed to stick the baby, and all 3 dogs in my car and drive to my moms until the people were done taking a look see at all of our hard work. An added element of surprise with 3 dogs trying to eat your soul is apparently not a good selling point when showing your home. So I have been diligently removing them for every showing.

Sometimes we would even get surprise guests, the kind that want to walk around while I am bathing my kid, or cooking dinner. Or not even there and the dogs still are, and the house isn't ready. The ones that are just so darn busy they don't want to call first like instructed in order to respectfully show the house. Then they are even more inconvenienced when we say nope sorry, so they rummage around our yard, and try to look through the windows while we live our lives. Or how about the nice old couple who came over early and let themselves in through the garage while I was trying to leave with everyone in tow? What gems, they had a good time talking to me about every tiny thing in the house, and the nice old lady even lifted her shirt up to show me her stomach. Really. I want out of this weird twilight zone! I would say on a good week I would average 8 hours in hiding and then unhiding our crap. I am tired.

Luckily we are finally on our way to selling the house.

But guess what? We don't have a new one to move in to. Yea, keeping up with the Jones' will be easy in a few short weeks. We will be posted up in my old room, at mom and dads. All 6 of us. Who's excited about that one?! It is convenient, no rent, free childcare. But the principal is a killer. I know what you may be thinking, wow those guys are really shitty planners. But we did have a good plan I assure you. We had made an offer on a short sale months ago, knowing the process could be a lengthy one. We had time to kill while we sold our house anyways. The sellers accepted, so yay step 1. At that juncture no other offers could be entertained, so we wait and hope the negotiations are going well, and the bank is on its way to accepting and giving us a closing date. We wait. Wait. Wait. A few weeks pass by, and then a few more. When checking in with the listing agent he appeared to be doing his job to check with the bank involved. And still working on selling our home we decided to be patient and diligent.

Then we get an offer on our house! and we are stoked, and we negotiate a fair price for all involved and we are super relieved. So? I drive by the house we are waiting on just to daydream and I notice the real estate sign is down, and a note is on the door...with information about the new listing agent and company. Um what the hell. We do a little digging and find out not only did the short sale go into foreclosure, it has already been sold on the courthouse steps and will be relisted who knows when, and who knows at what price. Perfect. I really can't understand how realtors get away with not doing their jobs. If they didn't want to do their work they could have at least told our agent. Not like there isn't a lot at stake here.

Anyways, we have been looking like crazy trying to find a house that is not wrecked and ready for us to move into without a total overhaul. It isn't easy even with our new budget. The name of the game is short sale a foreclosure these days. And that almost always means the people wrecked the place in some form or fashion. At this juncture we don't have the time, energy, or resources to remodel a home before we move into it. And maybe we are being a little picky with our wish list, but we don't intend to move again. EVER.

So-that is what is happening to my blog these days. I have been in real estate hell, and my wit has died along with my energy. I can assure you that the move to my parent's house will be providing me with plenty of writing material. So hang in there with me.

handbasket

Hey where am I going? And why am I in this basket? I may be going to hell for posting this picture, but at least I will be laughing on the way!

Hands down one of the funniest things to me is an asian accent.

So since I found this gem online I just can't stop laughing.

registered

An interesting process has come to my attention and I would like to discuss...

And that is the process of people buying items from wedding gift registries.

It is an unbelievable concept to me. A few times a year I find myself looking up wedding registries to try to find something to give to an eagerly unrealistic bride and groom.

Do you ever look at a registry and think, "Who the f*ck made this thing? Did they give the scanner to a 4 year old? Did they forget that they aren't Kim Kardashian?"

I will be perfectly honest, I have seen things like flat screen tvs, video gaming systems (and no, that wasn't mine and Brett's registry). To complete sets of patio furniture, and they need what? a $200 salt and pepper shaker set? Who the f*ck needs a $200 salt and pepper shaker?

After 5 minutes of gawking at the fun prices of things that are somewhat equivalent to a weeks worth of pay you have a heart to heart with yourself. "How much do I really like Bill and Jane?" I remember those bastards got me a casserole dish, and wine bottle opener, I don't even like wine. As you battle it out in your head, you quickly switch the webpage settings to sort the registry in question from lowest to highest price, and then decide how many of the smaller items you can put together without looking like a cheap ass.

Luckily for me I am the craftiest crafter around so I make something very awesome and cool to incorporate into the gift. I even make pretty little greeting cards, so I have a leg up on other guests. Either that, or my pretty handmade stuff distracts them from the fact that I did not pick up that $350 kitchen mixer off of their sadly unnecesary registry (let's just cut to the chase, we know it would be best to just get you guys a set of margarita glasses because I really don't pin you to be much of a baker there susie homemaker).

My suggestion to couples out there? Don't be so pretentious, or you will wind up with like 10 or more $25.00 toasters, and more cheap coffee makers than you can shake a stick at. For real.

Let's discuss. What are some of the most interesting outrageous things you have encountered on registries?

Still a one man wolfpack.

Ok so, aside from the distracting and strange personal photograph (yes, I AM wearing Zack Galifianakis on my chest, and yes I AM also wearing retractable aviators that come with a special leather carrying case. be jealous. or laugh. whatever). But that is neither here nor there. The purpose of this post is to let myself know that I am still me. And I do exist outside of my baby. I mean, she does rock in an inconceivable way. However, I am still pretty cool as well. Or that is what I tell myself.

I thought it might be worth looking at some of the things that used to make me, well, me - pre baby days. Wanted to see if I still have the same interests and hobbies, and if I can figure out what new likes I am in to I can make some fun for myself (for myself...not fun OF myself...I do that enough already).

I still like:

-being lazy and watching random tv series on netflix with my man friend.

-cooking

-being crafty

-talking to dead people

-pretending to be organized

-pretending to be healthy (it helps form the habit people!)

-decorating and redecorating anything I can get my hands on. Which makes the prospect of us buying a whole new house for me to make our own super exciting.

I no longer like:

-getting hammered at smokey bars. I may try this one out a time or two more just to make sure though!

-people who want to waste my time. My time is a hot commodity these days with the baby being around. Dealing with drama is no longer my forte.

-people who say they are my friends but in essence are not. Facebook is the death of the true meaning of friendship.

-with that last line in mind...I am starting to not like Facebook.

-worrying about my image. Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I don't do it though. But really, I am coming to terms with what real women are supposed to look like. I am allowed to have a big ass, and I am allowed to be the color I was born to be (and that's NOT the orange glow created by a fake tan or a real tan that will lead me to a path of skin melanoma).

I'm not really sure that this helped me much, but maybe it will in some way sometime soon. Until next time just remember - I am still a one man wolfpack.

the Easter Wabbit

Now that Easter is over, the good ol Facebook is cluttered with Easter pics. Egg hunts, family photo ops, and of course, pictures with the Easter Bunny. For various reasons I opted to NOT take Adeline to see the Easter Bunny. The main reason? they are creepy as hell. I mean really. Look at all the photos that may have flooded your Facebook news feed. Are those rabbits not insanely terrifying?

I am convinced that every year there is a contest within the costume making industry to see who can make the scariest Easter Bunny costume. And? They all win. Every year. Here are their criteria while creating their get ups:

-Is the rabbit going to be over 5 feet tall? Check.

-Is the rabbit going to be over 150 pounds? Check.

-Is the rabbit wearing an obnoxiously printed bowtie and vest? Check.

-Is the rabbit pants-less? Check

Call me crazy, but if I were a child and someone told me to sit on a 5+ft, 150 pound rabbit with a vest and no pants I would cry too. Poor lil guys. Yet every Spring parents pay exuberant amounts of money to do that very thing to their children. And what is the easter bunny's voice supposed to sound like anyways? A cranky, under-payed, middle aged man? I think probably no.

The best part is that after introducing the little dears to the huge pants-less killer rabbit, the little dears learn that said rabbit will be inside their home come Easter morning.

Four Wheels are a Dangerous Sort.

Lately we have been talking about all of the toys and gadgets galore that are out there for little kids. Brett and I had our share of "big wheels" and what not when we were growing up. I also had a four wheeler, and a golf cart (sounds weird now that I type this many years later...what the hell does a 9 year old need a golf cart for?)

I was saying that if Adeline is anything like me then we can't get her any of those things, we need to fashion a device similar to a hamster ball to keep her from seriously doing some damage.

That four wheeler I had? well it became water logged. Why you ask? Because I parked it in a pond. That is why. I have a well formulated story as to why I drove a four wheeler with myself and a friend on it into our pond, but it seems silly now. So here is the short version: I was a kid, a dumb and accident proned kid apparently.

The golf cart? It had a head on collision with an oak tree. I'm not sure what was funnier, me not seeing the tree directly in front of us, my sister not telling me "hey-there's a tree right there", or flinging my niece from the basket in the back after impact.

It is amazing that I have never wrecked a car. I have however uprooted one of my mom's beloved Bradford Pear trees, while in reverse, in my car (aka the Loser Cruiser). That story I can keep short - I was running late for yoga, realized I didn't have my mat, threw it in reverse and instead of following the path of the driveway I deviated a smidge...Into the yard and by the time I threw it into "park" I was parked alright...ass end of the car slightly elevated and mom's poor tree severely bent just lying in the grass! My response? "It's just sleeping"
Before any tree huggers come to get me in my sleep I must say this: The tree did not die, we sort of rigged up a contraption to hold it back up right so it could live. So there!

So I guess what I need to ask is this, what are the safest riding toys for kids these days? ;)