Nice Pigeon.

Neighbor: "Hey, did you lose a pigeon? I found one earlier, thought it might be yours." 
Me: "Well lets see, I lost the garage opener the other day, and a pair of headphones recently, but nope no pigeons."

--What do you have to do in order for someone to be like, "Holy crap! Look hunny! There's a pigeon. I bet it's Stefanie's."

When, oh when, did I become -that girl-?

Granted, I was voted "most likely to own a pet pigeon" in high school so this shouldn't be a surprise.  

And now? I'm genuinely curious as to how cool it might be to have one. At least if I lost the little bastard my neighbors would think to call me first if they found it.

Anyone have pigeons? Pros/cons? I envision it being smarter than all three of my dogs put together. Sorry pups. 

Turkeys, Hours, and Furbys Oh My!

I have 3 insanely important topics to share with you all on this lovely, pollen infested, spring morning in GA.

1-First things first: TURKEY. Upon leaving my driveway this morning I spotted a huge, like really huge, turkey nonchalantly grazing in my neighbor's yard. I slowed my car to a halt - honestly my first instinct was to roll the window down and talk to it. Kinda glad I didn't go with that plan. I also considered chasing it down into our yard so my kid could see it when she woke up. But, I didn't want to be "that girl". I just kept driving, it's better this way. My neighbors already think I am weird enough, then again, i'm not the one with turkeys in my yard either. Sidenote-We all know turkeys make excellent pets, right? Show of hands - who has had a pet turkey? Guys? Just me?(see link here). 

2-I would also like to point out that every retail store on the planet really needs to post their store hours in a larger font. Seriously guys, I can't possibly drive my car that close or that slow to the front door of your building to read your point 10 sized font that says I am 35 minutes too early. And? When I go park my car, get my shit together, lock my car, and walk to your front door to read your point 10 sized font - people are watching me and laughing. Whilst they laugh I have to shake my head in dismay, walk back to my car, unlock, and sit like a fool for the remaining wait time hoping some other idiot does the same exact thing I just did so I can join the peanut gallery and laugh too. Large franchise chain stores: I am positive that even in this down economy you can spring for a bigger store hour sign. I am begging you. 

3-And lastly, if anyone gives your child a Furby it is a pretty good indication that they may hate you. I didn't like Furby 15 years ago, and I don't care too much for it now either. Humor me, and go to the Hasbro website (or google Furby). The new re-vamped line of Furbys current motto/tagline? "Furby, A Mind of it's Own". No, just no. Toys aren't supposed to have a mind of their own. That is like some I, Robot shit going on that I can't handle.

          Adeline's Furby is pink, yet it sounds just like Mr. Chow(from the Hangover)-which in all honesty is it's only saving grace with me. However, I would definitely prefer a crazy naked Asian man running around instead of this thing. At least I would then have a chance at my kid not wanting to drag it around everywhere. Adeline scoffed at my name suggestion of Mr. Chow, so she just calls her little dear Furby. As per it's instruction manual her attitude develops via the way she gets treated. There is our first problem eh? It also states that as time passes she will learn English, she learns from what we say to her. Perfect. Right now she speaks "Furbish" and also says, "OH EM GEE, LIKE OHMAHGOSH". That is the only English she seems to have been programmed with pre-us talking to it and "training" it to speak like we do. SonofaKillMeNow.

To add to the irritation factor, the new re-vamped Furby now comes with an iPhone app, so aside from this darling toy commandeering my sanity, she also commandeers my only line of normal communication with the outside world. Well played Hasbro, well played.

          She also has an alter ego which is just precious. The kiddo and I played a little rough threw her a few times for good measure - she immediately went into this jumpy, blinky frenzy, closed her creepy little eyes and when they popped back open she was growling in a deep man voice and anytime Adeline would talk to her she would burp in response, followed by more growling.    ...Shit will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. You think we need to worry about a nuclear meltdown? Nah, I think they are just planning to infiltrate via Furby contraptions in American households. After all, they have a mind of their own. 

The more you know right?

Zombie Prep - Gates and Spuds

As per usual, I am obsessing over The Walking Dead. It is nearing the finale for the season, but I will still have my monthly comics to read. I will be fine, I will be fine.

In the interim I would like to provide my 3 part plan for surviving a zombie apocalypse. Not 3 step, but 3 part - feel free to engage any part of the plan at any time.



Part 1 - Potato Gun. 

See ya later tater! Er, zombie. 

Also known as a Spud Cannon, Spudzooka, or any other clever combination of Potato and firearm you can think of. It is a lovely combination of pipe, pressurized combustible gas, and projectiles that I am confident, could take out a zombie. Perfect for DIY-ers because you can build and modify to your every whim. If you are a pro you could hit a walker from 100 yards away. Sounds safe to me! Could potentially cause much less ruckus than your average weapon as well. Ran out of spudzooka ammo? Just grow more!


Part 2 - Baby Gate.

Disclaimer: Didn't say it would keep out everything. 

I know more people than not who can't easily operate opening and closing a variety of baby gates. They are complicated apparatuses (apparati?) I feel more confident with using apparatuses. Apparatuses. Oh what the hell, baby gates are tricky ok people! They are designed to be uber durable, have crazy wall mount strength, and often require a 2-3 step process for unlocking. So many buttons, locks, sliding mechanisms, small systems of levers and pulleys - you name it!
My suggestion here is to set up a compilation of baby gates in all shapes and sizes to ensure a safe perimeter. A zombie or two trying to figure out what model type each baby gate is and how to properly unlock it to get to you, well, would be biting off more than they could chew (see what I did there? huh huh?).

Part 3 - High Ground.
Employing Parts 1 &2: Arming yourself with a spudzooka and arranging your baby gates will then prep you for Part 3 - finding high ground. Ideally a staircase because those combined with baby gates are the worst combo for easy entry.

-There you have it people, don't get stuck ill prepared. I am full of great advice so feel free to steal my ideas. It could save your life. Or, it could make you look like a total weirdo with a collection of potato guns and baby gates. Freak.



P.S. - Happy Pi Day! Just kidding, I don't care about Pi. I hate math, and numbers are the devil.

Hairstyles of the Slow and Non-Famous

" I love feeling the wind through my hair net at top speeds of 40 mph."
                  - The busted lady I saw driving in the fast lane down the highway in her old, beat up, Ford truck while sporting a large black hair net.

Ok, so she (who honestly could have very well been a he) didn't actually say that, I am improvising a smidge. At any rate, I got stuck behind he/she on the way to an appointment yesterday afternoon.

Kinda wanted to tell he/she that barely creeping along in the left lane as if you are trapped in some space-time continuum only does two things: A-makes you look like an jacka$$ to those of us who appreciate arriving anywhere on time, and B- it also draws painfully slow attention to the fact that you are wearing a ridiculous hair net.

I tried very hard to figure out what was going on with what I was seeing. Was the hair net intended to be some sort of accessory? Was I cruising alongside a lunch lady? Are those old truck windows stuck in the down position, forcing he/she to take unfashionable measures to save their hairstyle? It was barely 50 degrees, without the wind, so I am leaning towards busted lady- in a busted truck- with busted windows theory.

Aaaaaaand I am going to go ahead and wrap this up, because I apparently spend way too much time contemplating excessively unimportant things. How do I ever get anything done?

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Munchies Edition

First things first, I would like to apologize for skipping Crap That People Have Forgotten About. For two months, two months people! Why didn't someone smack me?!

We can thank my 11:00pm hunger pangs last night for kick starting a thought process that snowballed into a small list of delightfully unhealthy delicacies I enjoyed as a child that I had long forgotten. I am comprising a list of sorts for this post.

Disclaimer: I do realize that some of these treats are still obtainable, albeit most likely through some weirdo snack black market. Or maybe some dusty, crusty packages that are shy of their 20th birthday via eBay or Amazon. But I am not composing this trip down memory lane so that some of you with more time than necessary on your hands can fact check me. Just be one with this post, and get hungry, and be sad because you can't just hop over to Publix and pick up:

1) Squeeze Its juice drinks. So sugary, so not really juice, yet so refreshing these beverages were. I feel diabetic just thinking about them.

 They also had these whacky faces on them, thinking back they were rather creepy. It sure was fun snapping the lid off and trying to get the tiny spot of juice left in the lid. Mondo had a version out also, but it paled in comparison to the creepy face squeeze bottle these guys honed in on.

2) Ritz Handi Snacks Cracker and Cheese packs. My waistline is growing just looking at a picture of this little snack. I was addicted to those overly processed things. Remember them?

It was a psychological mind game for me to always try to distribute equal amounts of cheese whatever that orange crap was that was passing for cheese, to each cracker. Alas, it never failed, I would always run out and have more cracker and 0% cheese left. The complimentary cheese spreader that came in each pack would also double as a nice shiv if you were ever in a jam. 

3) This last one is apparently still very accessible, which I find humorous. I personally haven't seen it lately so I am going to mention it anyways. Big League Chew...

Children's candy modeled after a package of chewing tobacco? Genius! Nothing says fun more than pretending you have oral cancer. 

         You know what crap like this does? It tricks stupid little kids such as myself. Let me explain. My dad chewed pack after pack of RedMan tobacco for years and years (let's be honest, it was decades). 

This tricky little bubble gum treat made my feeble young mind think "this is a delightfully refreshing, bubble blowing blast! No wonder dad has a pack lying around all the time. I think I will try some of his." 

Granted, trying my dad's RedMan when no one was looking only made me feel sick as shit, and did not spur my downward spiral into a tobacco chewing, juice spitting, redneck phase that lasted til I was 11. It made me shun any Big League chew, or other oddly marketed candy items. 

...Maybe that is why I haven't seen any in a while, it says they still sell it at local retailers. I have perhaps been psychologically blocking physically seeing it on the shelf at the store. *calls psychiatrist*

Tuesday Morning Observations

If anyone wonders why I should not drink coffee in the mornings I present to you, "Tuesday Morning Observations". It is just a sampling of what the, who the, how the - that goes on in my head when given a friendly boost from Mr. Caffeine:

- The classic scene of a fire crew rescuing a stupid cat out of a tree - I have never witnessed such a scene. Figured with as much as I have seen it in cartoons and tv shows I would have observed it happening at least once by now. This either means, A: Cats aren't really that stupid. Or B: People in real life don't really care enough about cats to see them get unstuck from a tree.
Sidenote - why can't the cat just climb down? Or can they, but people are far too impatient and feel like it is an emergency situation. "I was heading to work, but that cat stuck in that tree over there is some pretty serious business. Quick! What's the number for 911?! Don't worry strange kitty, I will wait until you are safely rescued before I go back to my regularly scheduled programming."

- I over think a lot of things. See bullet #1.

- Time couldn't possibly be any slower than when you are attempting to win an eBay auction. That last 60 seconds is ridiculously sloooooooow. On a very related note: I now have a sweet vintage Tom Thumb toy cash register heading my way from Indiana. I fully intend to push the buttons, and whilst it makes the cha-ching noise say "I'm rich bitch!".

- I have traveler's insurance for an upcoming vacation. Apparently losing one eye on your trip only allots you 50% coverage. I can see how losing an eye on vacation would be a little more than 50% bothersome.

- I think Easter has ruined my like for a boiled egg. I recall maybe enjoying them at some point in my childhood. I want to say it was the realization that during an Easter egg hunt the following occurs: Boiled eggs get left out in warm weather, and lying on the ground, for much too long. This, coupled with the fact that they can make an entire house smell like a wet fart, make me have a hatred for them.
"That smells disgusting! Here, let me have a few. OMNOMNOM". Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little. 

- Now I am thinking of what I would hate more: 1- having to eat a boiled egg. OR 2- finding a spider crawling on me. These things will haunt my dreams tonight.

State of the Union

This is a little change of pace for this blog, and in 150+ posts I haven't really skimmed any political topics. 
However, last night I watched the State of the Union address. 

I could tell by the facebook posts I saw that a lot of you people feel like our President is stealing our guns, giving us silly women way too much freedom, and hugging gay people a little too much. That is rather unfortunate that people feel that way.

Below you will find my synopsis, via bullet points, of some of the "hot topics" that people feel the need to rant about via ridiculous memes and ecards. Sidenote - I will take you and your political views more seriously if I see that you can articulate your own thoughts instead of copying and pasting, and extra points if you use proper grammar. Anyone in this boat will quite possibly just get angry enough to post an army of political memes after they read what I have to say.

I honestly can't complain too loudly because Brett and I both have jobs, a house, a happy child. We eat 3 meals a day. We send our kid to preschool to socialize not out of necessity.
7/8-ish years ago? I was taking clothes to consignment shops in order to get grocery money, hell I'd take back appliances and things to Wal Mart just to get store credit to buy food. I didn't even have a child to feed so I can't even imagine. I had too much pride to ask for handouts from family, and likewise from the state. I am not living in a bubble now, and I understand there are always people that are in seriously sad shape financially speaking. Regardless of political views, or current President. But I just have to share my experiences  and thought processes so that any of you who think I am as big of a "Hitler" as Obama is can at least see where I am coming from.

Whoa I digress, let me get back to the bullet points:

- LGBT community: I have friends and relatives respectively who have "the gay". Like the diabeetus (see Wilford Brimley), many people treat it like its some sort of condition. Relatives? It runs in my family! Do you think I'll catch it?! Like it's a damn disease. I have a newsflash for anyone who knocks on the lifestyle preferences of others, all of my friends and relatives who are gay love me just as much as my friends and relatives who aren't. I reciprocate that respect and love. I have no qualms with allowing them to have the same rights my husband and I have. To waste time and energy on this subject is just ridiculous to me. 

- Guns: can't say much here let's face it, my husband isn't a citizen so he isn't allowed to own any, and that hasn't a thing to do with a decision made by the current President.

- Immigration reform. Don't talk to me about that shit like its bad. I'm married to a green card holder.
Dually noted I thought he may have been gay when I first met him, so now I'm combining bullet points.
"But they'll let all the Mexicans in!".
 Oh, the ones that are already in here? Well, sounds shady. Why don't we let them pay taxes and function like the rest of us. While they clean up shop at US Immigration Services maybe Brett and I can get a step further in our own process before we goof up a form and they come and deport his ass.

You guys who think life is soooo terrible these days, try looming over your head the fact that your spouse could be removed from the country at any time and not have the option of coming back lickity split. Might throw a wrench in things, no?

Maybe all of the people I see complaining about piddly shit should get a letter or two from the Department of Homeland Security like we have that states in every opening line "failure to comply may result in removal from the United States". Please sit in your house on facebook all day and tell me how upset you are.
People would literally die to get in here, and a lot of folks joke about trying to get out. The door is open, trust me, getting in here isn't as easy as you think it is. I can promise you that not every person who is from another country is trying to get across our borders to do us all harm. I know one big, red bearded Canadian who is trying to get here to live his life with his family. Reform away I say. 

- Healthcare: The biggest, so far only, affect the new healthcare has had for us is that I now get free birth control and well visits. Couple hundred dollars a year, and no babies so the savings are rather astronomical.

- Women's rights: I have a vagina, so I'm game for whatever that bullet point entails. Women who aren't on board with giving women more rights or freedom? Typically the "honor thy husband" types. Obey, obey,  respect, and obey. *Insert corresponding bible verse here*. Bitch please! My husband better be honoring me. I'm a goddess. Now if you'll excuse me I have some free birth control to pick up.