Crap That People Have Forgotten About: TV Edition

Maybe, just maybe, I am a little bitter about The Walking Dead ripping my heart out by making viewers go through a 2 month grieving period until we can see new episodes. A mid season finale? Really guys? Who does that, oh wait you guys and Breaking Bad do. Why don't we just call it a separate season? End rant.

I don't recall shows doing that when I was growing up, and you know who wouldn't have made viewers go through this mid season finale crap?

TALES FROM THE CRYPT.
Remember that mess? Dust off your brains a little and recall what a gem that series was. It delivered some terrible horror stories to us from 1989-1996. Obviously, I didn't watch it in '89 because I was 3, and that would just be crazy talk. I think watching it in the early 90's didn't do much for me either. I am sure it only further molded my creepy little mind. Perhaps being young, or not paying close attention- I have a few show details slightly askew, but I rather loved the show. When I mentioned to Brett that I thought the show was worthy of a Crap That People Have Forgotten slot he mentioned why he himself loved the show:

"I used to like that show because every once in a while I got to see a booby."
                                                                                        -Brett Jones


In case you have forgotten, it was hosted by the world's tannest mom:

Apparently, she used her show earnings to ride the botox wave after the show came to a close in the 90's, because her features in my opinion appear a little "fuller" than when she hosted the show:

  Blech, I know right? Get some sleep sister!

Joking aside, well, not too far aside - because I wanted to mention one of the crypt keepers corny tag lines "Hello Boils and Ghouls". That is, after the camera pans through his rather creepy mansion and into his basement where he pops out of a coffin cackling like an old woman. All that house and he decides to sleep in the basement, decaying men are weird. 

The show found a way to take what they considered some bone chilling plots to scare the pants off of you, and then sometimes add in a little twist of humor at the end. 

One episode I recall involved a group of nice looking teenagers taking a trip to the local swimming hole. They soon realized that there was a gooey lake blob munching them right up. I am pretty sure that that is the full synopsis. Hot teenagers -> Lake -> Blob -> Everyone dies.

Oh, and the best, an episode about a comic book artist that learns his illustrations have come to life and are running around all willy nilly and killing people. That episode spurred my 15 minute career as a monster illustrator/comic book artist. I couldn't quite get my monsters to look less cuddly and more "I'll eat your soul" so I quit. 

The show was one of the first to introduce some pretty sweet digitally created computer effects. 

Important thing for me to note - premise came from a comic book series ( I see a parallel... The Walking Dead). Granted, the episodes were only 30 minutes each, but they sure didn't pull any crap like a "mid season finale" so I think TWD should take note. And yes, I will be bitching about this until TWD returns in February. 

You can watch reruns of Tales From the Crypt on Fearnet NOW.

* In case any of you think I actually believe the world's tannest mom was the host of this show I would like to clarify that I am aware that the crypt keeper was a puppet voiced by John Kassir. 

A Very Jonesy Christmas

I have had a few requests for decor photos, so that people can see what was making me so damn batty the last few weeks. Er, I mean so that they could see my decorations and be magically inspired to follow my lead.

Our theme this year kinda mixed traditional, rustic, and vintage kitsch. I was rather inspired by Martha Stewart's Winterberry line sold at Home Depot. But? I didn't feel like spending my mortgage payment on her brand so I did my own spin off, it's called "Dingleberry" sold, nowhere. Totally kidding, our decorations rock this year. Here is a peek at our Very Jonesy Christmas:

 Let's start with the tree (after Christmas clearance allowed us to score a 9ft tree for $40...omg right?!). I find it equally important to note that Brett strung all of the lights without so much as a step stool. Hello Sasquatch. 

As per my previous blog posts I kinda have a weird obsession with owls so naturally one is roosting as tree topper this year:

And as we pan around here are some other compilations in the very Jonesy Christmas:

Penguins made it into the mix this year as well:

I was simply elated to just mix in our existing decor:

I really don't see what the problem would be in mixing non -traditional items, like this old globe, a shiny apple, and a random teapot for good measure:

Dining room spread, some of the complimenting characters? A set of vintage penguin nesting dolls, brass butterflies, and a horse head. Every centerpiece needs a horse head. Duh:

Adeline even got into the spirit and made a pinecone ornament, which is chilling next to the cutest red bird ever. He has a winter cap on... Dawwwwwww:

These are my last minute/yet super meaningful decorations I threw together. These picks sticking out of the hurricane vases? They are old Guinness beer coasters straight from Kenmare, Ireland. They are from the first stop we made while on the island, and in Killarney park. I had to pee like no other, so the kind folks at a gift shop (that wasn't even open) let me in to use the facilities. Brett and I didn't want to be "those people" who pee and run so we bought a set of like 50 coasters (whoa right?). Anywho, it had 3 Christmas coasters in the set so I made them a part of our decor. Ah memories: 

Apparently drinking Guinness will make you strong enough to lift a large tree, just like Santa. That's odd, it just makes me dance like an idiot and tell really dumb stories. My Goodness My Guinness indeed!

I also made a ton, like I was unstoppable (until I ran out of supplies) water less snow globes. Saw them in the Martha Stewart holiday mag...damn you Martha Stewart. But after a little online research learned several people have made these, so I stole ideas from them all and created our own:

Hindsight - don't shake just before taking a picture.

And yes, that is Priscilla the piggy bank. She recently made her debut on this blog. Remember?

So, there you have it - A VERY JONESY CHRISTMAS. Want to duplicate? Well, good luck. I just spent the last 3 weeks randomly pulling these ideas from... my CHRISTMAS THINKING CAP. What, did you think I was going to say my ass? 

Happy Holidays Yall. (Y'all?Ya'll?). Ugh, whatever. 

Craft Crazy Christmas 2012- 1 of Whatever

Just like any other normal person I have been dealing with the hustle, bustle, and stress of the Christmas season. But, at least my days of getting my ass kicked over Santa are over(click to read that story). So there is that.

I will sprinkle in a few posts this holiday season about the festive things that I have made that I just can't bear to skip not showing off. You are welcome. As per usual, I will do my best at forming directions (that I never follow) in case any of you would like to be as crazy as I am. Today I will share how I spent way too much time creating an advent calendar for Adeline that she will have forever and ever. And ever.

This isn't like those lazy recipes you find that tell you exactly how much time each step takes. I will say I tackled this in stages, and pulled it out of my you know what, so I hate to admit but this project took hours and hours. You may even cry at some point, it is hard to say. Depends on your level of crafty-ness and patience.

Supplies you will need:

1) a tree branch - I found mine, wait for it, IN THE WOODS OFF OF A TREE. I went into the woods behind my office. I told our secretary to hold my calls and then ventured off, which is a little ironic considering our secretary is my aunt, and the only person who has called for me on the office line in at least 6 months has been my mom. But I did it for dramatic effect. I digress, go into the woods and find a tree branch, mmmkay?

2) Elmer's glue, mixed with glitter and a smidge of white acrylic paint- Don't measure things, that's so, un creative.

3) Roll of twine or hemp for hanging each day's gift- I used hemp, and once again, I didn't measure so feel free to wing that too. I snipped 25 pieces for hanging each day (and tiny pieces to help me wrap the presents), as well as 2 longer pieces for hanging the actual branch.

4) 25 days worth of treats or prizes- I used candies, as well as small toys, sticker sheets, etc...

5) Red tissue paper for wrapping each day's gift- Obviously you are allowed to pick whatever color of paper you want, but I went with red.

6) Numbers for each day's present - I printed mine off of my computer but you can hand write them if you don't feel like cutting out 25 little circles like I did.



Directions...sigh:

1) Cover tree branch with the glue/glitter/paint mixture. I painted it on with a small paint brush, be wary of glue droplets, they are sneaky little bastards. This coating will help seal the branch and keep any bark pieces from flaking off. Gives it a nice snowy look:

2) While the branch is drying gather the 25 day's worth of prizes and treats, if you have a plan for what you want your little dear to open when go ahead and coordinate that, otherwise- get to wrapping! 

3) Take numbers and tape them to each day's presents:

3) Hang presents on branch. To save myself and Adeline a little trouble I hung all of the twine pieces on the branch first, and tied a tiny loop at the bottom of each strand so it looks like: ---------o  

 I attached each present to the coordinating twine with ornament wire hooks. Otherwise you will have to untie each and every day. Too much trouble! This method helps you to reuse it year after year. 

4) Very carefully hang branch on wall or wherever you choose. Adeline's was rather heavy after all the gifts were attached. And then? Enjoy:

So far Adeline has really like plucking her gifts off each morning and playing with her new treasures. I guess it was worth the woodland adventure, gluing, wrapping, cussing, and mental breakdown I may or may not have had while pulling this project off. One of my friend's told me I should sell these, so far the only rate I can think of would be in way of gift certificates to see a mental health professional of my choice. This thing was a bitch to make. 

Money Fixes Everything

A couple of months ago we gave Adeline her first piggy bank, and she has spent the last couple of months hitting everyone up for spare change. She has even caught the entrepreneurial spirit and started some very creative attempts to earn money. For instance, she charged me for a band-aid that I already owned when I had a hangover a few weeks ago. She also started charging people for hugs. She is rather business savvy for not even being 2 years old.

Fast forward to this morning, I inform her that her piggy bank is empty because I took the money to the bank and put it in her savings account. She doesn't skip a beat and immediately turns to my mom to see if she has anything to spare for her newly starving piggy. Mom gives up her change, and explains to her that that is all that she has for now. I tell her that she needs to be sure to ask Papa next time she sees him because Papa always has change. Adeline takes note and continues to play.

Not long after she bumps her head and starts to cry. The following dialogue develops:
Adeline: "Mommy kiss it better?"
Me: "Sure." *plants kiss on forehead*
Adeline: "Nanny kiss it better?"
My mom: "Sure." *plants kiss on forehead*
Adeline: "Papa?"
Me: "Papa what? Do you want Papa to kiss it better? I think he is at work sweetie."
Adeline: "No. Papa's money!"
Me: "Papa's money will make you feel better?"
Adeline: "Uh huh. Papa's money better."

Parenting. I'm doing it right.

Additionally - I told dad this story when I got to the office this morning. Naturally on his way out for the day he said "I guess I better stop by your house and get that kid some money."
Adeline the entrepreneur strikes again. 

And yes, you can be jealous of my mad photo-editing skillz. I also spelled entrepreneurial without having to look it up. True story.

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Movie Edition

For the November edition I have recalled another gem for you all. Although, this may be more of a "crap people never knew of to begin with" rather than forgot about. But it is reminiscent for me. Wait a tick... it grossed $47mil in the box office. You guys know what I am talking about.

An American Tail. Tail, instead of tale, cute right?
This movie was one of my favorites when I was little, I even had a large plush Fievel toy that I would drag around.

The film is about a little Russian mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz that emigrates to America with his family but soon is separated from them, and the movie is about his adventures to reuniting with them. Uh oh, I think that maybe I have said too much.
Another important factor to note: Fievel's clothes and hat are freakishly huge. Poor little bastard. No really, he was poor, that's why his clothes didn't fit.

Why would Russian mice want to move to America? Because we apparently have an abundance of mouse holes and crumbs on our floors. They also think originally that there are no cats in America either. Which I would be totally cool with.

They obviously learn that the cat bit is rubbish. Fievel during his adventures befriends a vegetarian cat named Tiger (what are the odds right?). Tiger's clothes are too small, and I think I worry about fictional characters wardrobes way too much.

Anyways, hands down best scene in the history of scenes is when this really weird fat lady mouse with a speech impediment screams out "WELEASE THE SECWET WEAPON!". Release the secret weapon for those of you who don't read speech impediment. My niece and I still yell this out on occasion, just for a giggle.

And lest we forget the song at the end of the movie "Somewhere Out There". Tearfully joyous.

If you wish to read a full synopsis imdb can hook you up: synopsis here.
It is kinda cute, imdb has a: warning, this synopsis may contain spoilers disclaimer. Heaven forbid we spoil the ending of the mouse movie.


To follow along with past editions of Crap That People Have Forgotten About go here.

Gratefully Grateful

It is November, I am still getting over the fact that it is no longer Halloween, and I have neighbors hanging Christmas lights already. I feel as though I am being whipped to and fro in some sort of time warp.

If you are on the ol' Facebook you have received information about how 321 of your friends are grateful for a variation of:
Their baby(s), their baby(s) daddy(s), their daddy(s).
        I added (s) to all of those because they surprisingly might apply. And I won't lie, I love the hell out of my baby, my man friend, and my family too. Technically, if you met someone who hated their children, spouse, and relatives then you may want to wear a helmet or a bullet proof vest next time you are around them. Anywho - my other peeve about a flood of Day 1-30 posts is that many people have committed to doing it, and then they flake like a crescent roll. They start smashing days together all haphazardly and then your news feed is disturbingly full, disturbingly fast.

I am here to inform the masses of the other things in life. And I don't want to follow any days, I am just going to commit to making this one post and then donezo.

I am rather grateful for:

• Steam in the bag vegetables- Seriously, it's a glorious mix of convenience and borderline freshness. Birds Eye brand peas and mushrooms? Yes please! 
• Robert Kirkman- the brain behind The Walking Dead, he took my mind to a whole new level of "what the f*ck". He also prepared my mind for the most likely scenario for the end of the world. 
• Gel nail polish- this type of polish is what pulled me out of the grossly thick and long white tipped acrylic monstrosity nails that I sported for over 10 years. I will never go back. Never.
• Skinny Girl Margaritas- All the drunk and half the calories, who can't be thankful for that. This beverage was the culprit for me thinking that I could make ice with my mind on my birthday. 
• Shoes- I own too many, I have some really weird ones (zombies, zebras, buttons, mice, striped, polka dotted, leopard, etc), but I am thankful that I have an abundance of wacky choices every day. 
• Pandora- Radio that I actually like, no annoying radio personalities, no commercials, a station for every mood and whim I may have, that's good stuff people. Otis Redding radio...ftw.
• Frozen yogurt establishments- A psychologically unbalanced way to treat yourself. You pile a buffet's worth of shit on top of your frozen yogurt, and then relax after you waddle out of the joint because it was "just frozen yogurt". Genius. 
• Dead people- If it weren't for such there would be no estate sales. Additionally, I wouldn't have had half of the adrenaline rushes in the last 5 years if it weren't for trying to find them during paranormal investigations. 
• Humidifiers- I grew up with my dad having a humidifier in almost every room of the house. I now have to have them in every bedroom of our house, but we are sick way less than normal. 
• Hair color- I started going gray at 18, so, hair color is like, astronomically huge for me. 
• Vanilla flavored tootsie rolls- I am not really sure why I felt this was important enough for this list, but they are hella tasty. 
• Weather app on my phone- I check it all day long, and am so reliant on it that I actually get mad at the sky when it doesn't correlate with what my app says it should be outside. I also have Vancouver saved so I can see what the weather is like for Brett's family, and I have Kenmare Ireland saved so I can see what it will be like when I move there. (I suspect around the time that the zombies show up). 

I know, you all were probably expecting something traditional and predictable and now you are all "that was just a list of material items, odd snacks, and booze, what a bitch.". Maybe I have missed the mark, but those things in that list are pretty rad. I am thankful for things that are good. The end.

Upcycled Work - Postcard Art Edition

I wanted to post about one of my favorite upcycled projects. I am in love with my post card art, and I use all recycled/second hand materials to make them. I have made a few over the years and here is how you can to:

Supplies:
Business reply mailer/postcard
electrical tape
acrylic paint
Embossing ink
Stamp of your choice
Embossing powder
Embossing gun
Printed card stock for a matting background
Frame for finished product
Here is a pic of my material spread before I got started and made a mess of it all:

Directions:
1) Take postcard and tape of outer edges (I went about an 1'' all the way around the card).

2) Paint a thin layer of acrylic paint inside taped edges.
3) Allow to dry, and very carefully remove tape.
4) Stamp over acrylic paint with embossing ink.   --- I didn't take any pictures of the embossing process because it is messy, and I was too busy melting my fingers off to operate the camera! 
5) Sprinkle embossing powder/ remove excess powder.
6) Heat with an embossing tool gun. Please don't try to use a hairdryer, you will not get the same effect.
7) Mount card to card stock matting.
8) and frame!
9) ta da!

If you are like a few of my friends and you wish to skip through to step 9 and have one delivered to your doorstep just go to my etsy shop http://www.etsy.com/shop/JunkDrunkJones and buy one! They would make an excellent gift. I use all recycled and donated materials for every item I make.