Tuesday, April 26, 2011

the Easter Wabbit

Now that Easter is over, the good ol Facebook is cluttered with Easter pics. Egg hunts, family photo ops, and of course, pictures with the Easter Bunny. For various reasons I opted to NOT take Adeline to see the Easter Bunny. The main reason? they are creepy as hell. I mean really. Look at all the photos that may have flooded your Facebook news feed. Are those rabbits not insanely terrifying?

I am convinced that every year there is a contest within the costume making industry to see who can make the scariest Easter Bunny costume. And? They all win. Every year. Here are their criteria while creating their get ups:

-Is the rabbit going to be over 5 feet tall? Check.
-Is the rabbit going to be over 150 pounds? Check.
-Is the rabbit wearing an obnoxiously printed bowtie and vest? Check.
-Is the rabbit pants-less? Check

Call me crazy, but if I were a child and someone told me to sit on a 5+ft, 150 pound rabbit with a vest and no pants I would cry too. Poor lil guys. Yet every Spring parents pay exuberant amounts of money to do that very thing to their children. And what is the easter bunny's voice supposed to sound like anyways? A cranky, under-payed, middle aged man? I think probably no.

The best part is that after introducing the little dears to the huge pants-less killer rabbit, the little dears learn that said rabbit will be inside their home come Easter morning.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Redneck Mafia - the preface

a simple dialogue:

Me: "Home Depot will sharpen mower blades for free I heard. Where is our mower from?"
Mr.Jones: "Your dad. Remember, last summer that guy owed your dad some money and he kept paying him in lawn mowers?"
Me: "Oh right! Cause that's not weird as hell. Fun times, I guess that's how dad rolls."

*an eloquent and well written post to follow explaining how my dad quite possibly runs a redneck mafia

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Four Wheels are a Dangerous Sort.

Lately we have been talking about all of the toys and gadgets galore that are out there for little kids. Brett and I had our share of "big wheels" and what not when we were growing up. I also had a four wheeler, and a golf cart (sounds weird now that I type this many years later...what the hell does a 9 year old need a golf cart for?)

I was saying that if Adeline is anything like me then we can't get her any of those things, we need to fashion a device similar to a hamster ball to keep her from seriously doing some damage.

That four wheeler I had? well it became water logged. Why you ask? Because I parked it in a pond. That is why. I have a well formulated story as to why I drove a four wheeler with myself and a friend on it into our pond, but it seems silly now. So here is the short version: I was a kid, a dumb and accident proned kid apparently.

The golf cart? It had a head on collision with an oak tree. I'm not sure what was funnier, me not seeing the tree directly in front of us, my sister not telling me "hey-there's a tree right there", or flinging my niece from the basket in the back after impact.

It is amazing that I have never wrecked a car. I have however uprooted one of my mom's beloved Bradford Pear trees, while in reverse, in my car (aka the Loser Cruiser). That story I can keep short - I was running late for yoga, realized I didn't have my mat, threw it in reverse and instead of following the path of the driveway I deviated a smidge...Into the yard and by the time I threw it into "park" I was parked alright...ass end of the car slightly elevated and mom's poor tree severely bent just lying in the grass! My response? "It's just sleeping"
Before any tree huggers come to get me in my sleep I must say this: The tree did not die, we sort of rigged up a contraption to hold it back up right so it could live. So there!

So I guess what I need to ask is this, what are the safest riding toys for kids these days? ;)

Monday, April 11, 2011

Auto Enthusiast.

To clear up any preconceived notions - I am not an ungrateful brat. I just like to find humor in everything. Because if you aren't laughing enough you aren't living enough.

I have to put the corresponding image for this post at the bottom of this post because if I leave it hanging at the top you guys won't read a word you will just look at the image and think, "holy shit that is wild looking!" and well you need the story too!

My dad and I have a problem, we like to change cars like we change socks...very often. If anyone knows anything about my dad they would know he is quite fond of cars. Mostly old cars, but he has been known to collect (yes collect) some newer cars too. Back in his hay day of car collecting he had rounded up 40+ cars. Chevelles, mustangs, roadrunners, so many that my brain just shuts down when I try to name all of the makes and models.

When I was 14 he figured it was time to teach me how to drive a stick shift (uuh, why? who knows). So there we were in our looooong driveway in a pristine black and gold Trans Am - Smokey and the Bandit style baby! And just to take the edge off of how damn cool we were I had a pool float under my ass so I could see where I was going.

My first car? Was not that smokin' Trans Am with the pretty gold eagle. When I got my learner's permit dad gave me something a teenie bit different. A 1989 (or maybe 1990?) Lincoln Mark 7...with big Rims, black out tinted windows, and a ghost flame paint job. It might as well have played the theme from the Godfather when you blew the horn. I was the biggest gangster in Canton. Buddies and I nicknamed that one the Stinkin Lincoln.That car was ridiculous. Until I saw my next car.

So, I get my driver's license and guess what the new vehicle is? It was actually new-ish. A flaming PT Cruiser. Let's not take the term "flaming" too lightly here. The flame paint job on this silly little car was literally more expensive than the car itself.

Looking back I realize why my dad did this to me - he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing .at.all.times.
Because when you live in a fairly small town and you are either related to or friends with the entire city- people talk.

I couldn't have even snuck around under the amazing foliage of the Amazon Rainforest in that damn car-which by the way is 1.3 million sq mi of dense forest. So driving my friends to a party or going shopping? Not happening without everyone seeing me and letting my parents know "I saw Stef in that PT Cruiser this weekend!" Well of course you did! you just saw 6 brilliant shades of colors flame painted enveloping a tiny ass car passing by! A blind man could have seen me!

Which also reminds me - just because a vehicle has a flame paint job does NOT mean it is fast. I swear to anything holy that EVERY single time I stopped at a red light some jack ass next to me would rev their engine. Dude, I am 16, and I am in a PT CRUISER. I can't exceed 50mph down hill in a wind storm so why are you trying to RACE ME!?!

This car became known as the "Loser Cruiser". I could also call it the clown car, or a hotwheels car because that is what the children would call it. Kids loved that car, I mean what kid wouldn't - it was more spectacular than a toy car. I recall a toddler balling his eyes out in a parking lot and as I drove by his face lit up like the fourth of July. The Loser Cruiser stopped the tears of babes. Nice.

And so there you have it, and to ice the cake here she is:
* Yes, dad even had a tag made for it with my name on it. You know, in case I ever accidentally parked next to another flaming pt cruiser I would be able to tell which one was mine.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


So this Saturday, April the 2nd we took our first road trip with the baby. I was nervous. But it was awesome. We left around 6am for Columbia SC to visit my bestie Amanda. (I really need to post about our unique friendship that pretty much survived a 13 year gap with flying colors). Anyways - we were on the road so we could see her. Adeline slept the entire drive there. Entire. We got to Amanda's exit in Columbia and Adeline's eyes popped open, which was perfect.

Stop 1 was Amanda's coffee shop College Grounds, and we sampled some amazing doughnuts that she made for us! Stop 2 was the Riverbanks zoo - which is apparently one of the top 3 zoos in the nation. We really had an awesome time. And? It was Brett's first trip to a real deal zoo. Yea, crazy right? There is no reason why a man should see his first giraffe in real life at the age of 27 (unless he lives in a 3rd world country, or a cage in a basement cellar or something). His parents get an F for not ever taking him to a real zoo when he was little, or his schools get an F for not taking him on a field trip to one! shameful! Anyways, it was a huge zoo with an aquarium, and an elaborate botanical gardens area. Here we are:

One of my favorite parts was the kangaroo "walk about" where you literally walk into and through the kangaroo exhibit. I am convinced that all of the kangaroos and walabees were in fact, drunk. Like this guy: Then we hiked to the botanical gardens vs. riding the trolley like all of the fatties. A woman (who rode the trolley) asked how in the world I was wearing a sleeveless shirt because it was cold - I wanted to say "because I actually used my legs and walked here so I feel fine." but refrained. And she asked if we were from Canada, to which Brett said, why yes British Columbia actually. This lady had interrupted our conversation about sister wives (the tv show), so we picked back up where we left off ( which I think was some joke about Amanda making all of the money and me making the babies). So the lady stared at us the entire time we were in the gardens. Brett is such a pimp. haha. We then walked to the aquarium, where we discovered that I am in fact taller than a penguin: Our zoo trip was over and we ended our day trip to SC with dinner at Hunter Gatherer. I got to see Amanda's parents for the first time in 14 years, so that was really great. The ride home didn't go so well, Adeline was fighting sleep like a samurai warrior. The highways in SC are, well, shit. You know when you were a kid and someone would bounce you up and down so that you make those funny noises when you talk? yea, Adeline was doing that, but crying. But when we made it to smoother roads she passed right out.