Monday, December 10, 2012

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: TV Edition

Maybe, just maybe, I am a little bitter about The Walking Dead ripping my heart out by making viewers go through a 2 month grieving period until we can see new episodes. A mid season finale? Really guys? Who does that, oh wait you guys and Breaking Bad do. Why don't we just call it a separate season? End rant.

I don't recall shows doing that when I was growing up, and you know who wouldn't have made viewers go through this mid season finale crap?

Remember that mess? Dust off your brains a little and recall what a gem that series was. It delivered some terrible horror stories to us from 1989-1996. Obviously, I didn't watch it in '89 because I was 3, and that would just be crazy talk. I think watching it in the early 90's didn't do much for me either. I am sure it only further molded my creepy little mind. Perhaps being young, or not paying close attention- I have a few show details slightly askew, but I rather loved the show. When I mentioned to Brett that I thought the show was worthy of a Crap That People Have Forgotten slot he mentioned why he himself loved the show:

"I used to like that show because every once in a while I got to see a booby."
                                                                                        -Brett Jones

In case you have forgotten, it was hosted by the world's tannest mom:
Apparently, she used her show earnings to ride the botox wave after the show came to a close in the 90's, because her features in my opinion appear a little "fuller" than when she hosted the show:
  Blech, I know right? Get some sleep sister!

Joking aside, well, not too far aside - because I wanted to mention one of the crypt keepers corny tag lines "Hello Boils and Ghouls". That is, after the camera pans through his rather creepy mansion and into his basement where he pops out of a coffin cackling like an old woman. All that house and he decides to sleep in the basement, decaying men are weird. 

The show found a way to take what they considered some bone chilling plots to scare the pants off of you, and then sometimes add in a little twist of humor at the end. 

One episode I recall involved a group of nice looking teenagers taking a trip to the local swimming hole. They soon realized that there was a gooey lake blob munching them right up. I am pretty sure that that is the full synopsis. Hot teenagers -> Lake -> Blob -> Everyone dies.

Oh, and the best, an episode about a comic book artist that learns his illustrations have come to life and are running around all willy nilly and killing people. That episode spurred my 15 minute career as a monster illustrator/comic book artist. I couldn't quite get my monsters to look less cuddly and more "I'll eat your soul" so I quit. 

The show was one of the first to introduce some pretty sweet digitally created computer effects. 
Important thing for me to note - premise came from a comic book series ( I see a parallel... The Walking Dead). Granted, the episodes were only 30 minutes each, but they sure didn't pull any crap like a "mid season finale" so I think TWD should take note. And yes, I will be bitching about this until TWD returns in February. 

You can watch reruns of Tales From the Crypt on Fearnet NOW.

* In case any of you think I actually believe the world's tannest mom was the host of this show I would like to clarify that I am aware that the crypt keeper was a puppet voiced by John Kassir. 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

A Very Jonesy Christmas

I have had a few requests for decor photos, so that people can see what was making me so damn batty the last few weeks. Er, I mean so that they could see my decorations and be magically inspired to follow my lead.

Our theme this year kinda mixed traditional, rustic, and vintage kitsch. I was rather inspired by Martha Stewart's Winterberry line sold at Home Depot. But? I didn't feel like spending my mortgage payment on her brand so I did my own spin off, it's called "Dingleberry" sold, nowhere. Totally kidding, our decorations rock this year. Here is a peek at our Very Jonesy Christmas:

 Let's start with the tree (after Christmas clearance allowed us to score a 9ft tree for $40...omg right?!). I find it equally important to note that Brett strung all of the lights without so much as a step stool. Hello Sasquatch. 

As per my previous blog posts I kinda have a weird obsession with owls so naturally one is roosting as tree topper this year:

And as we pan around here are some other compilations in the very Jonesy Christmas:

Penguins made it into the mix this year as well:

I was simply elated to just mix in our existing decor:

I really don't see what the problem would be in mixing non -traditional items, like this old globe, a shiny apple, and a random teapot for good measure:

Dining room spread, some of the complimenting characters? A set of vintage penguin nesting dolls, brass butterflies, and a horse head. Every centerpiece needs a horse head. Duh:

Adeline even got into the spirit and made a pinecone ornament, which is chilling next to the cutest red bird ever. He has a winter cap on... Dawwwwwww:

These are my last minute/yet super meaningful decorations I threw together. These picks sticking out of the hurricane vases? They are old Guinness beer coasters straight from Kenmare, Ireland. They are from the first stop we made while on the island, and in Killarney park. I had to pee like no other, so the kind folks at a gift shop (that wasn't even open) let me in to use the facilities. Brett and I didn't want to be "those people" who pee and run so we bought a set of like 50 coasters (whoa right?). Anywho, it had 3 Christmas coasters in the set so I made them a part of our decor. Ah memories: 

Apparently drinking Guinness will make you strong enough to lift a large tree, just like Santa. That's odd, it just makes me dance like an idiot and tell really dumb stories. My Goodness My Guinness indeed!

I also made a ton, like I was unstoppable (until I ran out of supplies) water less snow globes. Saw them in the Martha Stewart holiday mag...damn you Martha Stewart. But after a little online research learned several people have made these, so I stole ideas from them all and created our own:

Hindsight - don't shake just before taking a picture.

And yes, that is Priscilla the piggy bank. She recently made her debut on this blog. Remember?
So, there you have it - A VERY JONESY CHRISTMAS. Want to duplicate? Well, good luck. I just spent the last 3 weeks randomly pulling these ideas from... my CHRISTMAS THINKING CAP. What, did you think I was going to say my ass? 

Happy Holidays Yall. (Y'all?Ya'll?). Ugh, whatever. 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Craft Crazy Christmas 2012- 1 of Whatever

Just like any other normal person I have been dealing with the hustle, bustle, and stress of the Christmas season. But, at least my days of getting my ass kicked over Santa are over(click to read that story). So there is that.

I will sprinkle in a few posts this holiday season about the festive things that I have made that I just can't bear to skip not showing off. You are welcome. As per usual, I will do my best at forming directions (that I never follow) in case any of you would like to be as crazy as I am. Today I will share how I spent way too much time creating an advent calendar for Adeline that she will have forever and ever. And ever.

This isn't like those lazy recipes you find that tell you exactly how much time each step takes. I will say I tackled this in stages, and pulled it out of my you know what, so I hate to admit but this project took hours and hours. You may even cry at some point, it is hard to say. Depends on your level of crafty-ness and patience.

Supplies you will need:

1) a tree branch - I found mine, wait for it, IN THE WOODS OFF OF A TREE. I went into the woods behind my office. I told our secretary to hold my calls and then ventured off, which is a little ironic considering our secretary is my aunt, and the only person who has called for me on the office line in at least 6 months has been my mom. But I did it for dramatic effect. I digress, go into the woods and find a tree branch, mmmkay?

2) Elmer's glue, mixed with glitter and a smidge of white acrylic paint- Don't measure things, that's so, un creative.

3) Roll of twine or hemp for hanging each day's gift- I used hemp, and once again, I didn't measure so feel free to wing that too. I snipped 25 pieces for hanging each day (and tiny pieces to help me wrap the presents), as well as 2 longer pieces for hanging the actual branch.

4) 25 days worth of treats or prizes- I used candies, as well as small toys, sticker sheets, etc...

5) Red tissue paper for wrapping each day's gift- Obviously you are allowed to pick whatever color of paper you want, but I went with red.

6) Numbers for each day's present - I printed mine off of my computer but you can hand write them if you don't feel like cutting out 25 little circles like I did.


1) Cover tree branch with the glue/glitter/paint mixture. I painted it on with a small paint brush, be wary of glue droplets, they are sneaky little bastards. This coating will help seal the branch and keep any bark pieces from flaking off. Gives it a nice snowy look:

2) While the branch is drying gather the 25 day's worth of prizes and treats, if you have a plan for what you want your little dear to open when go ahead and coordinate that, otherwise- get to wrapping! 

3) Take numbers and tape them to each day's presents:

3) Hang presents on branch. To save myself and Adeline a little trouble I hung all of the twine pieces on the branch first, and tied a tiny loop at the bottom of each strand so it looks like: ---------o  
 I attached each present to the coordinating twine with ornament wire hooks. Otherwise you will have to untie each and every day. Too much trouble! This method helps you to reuse it year after year. 

4) Very carefully hang branch on wall or wherever you choose. Adeline's was rather heavy after all the gifts were attached. And then? Enjoy:

So far Adeline has really like plucking her gifts off each morning and playing with her new treasures. I guess it was worth the woodland adventure, gluing, wrapping, cussing, and mental breakdown I may or may not have had while pulling this project off. One of my friend's told me I should sell these, so far the only rate I can think of would be in way of gift certificates to see a mental health professional of my choice. This thing was a bitch to make.