Thursday, September 27, 2012

Mysteries of the World

I will fail today at artfully constructing a story. Just wanted to present that first in case that was what you wanted to read.

I have a few mysteries I would like to present to the world, in hopes that maybe some of my questions can be answered.

Mystery #1 - For 26 years I absolutely hated the thought of eating a saltine cracker, even when people would eat them in soups I would turn up my nose in disgust. I also hated the thought of drinking ginger ale, I mean why the hell would something labeled "Canada Dry" be delectable? "Anything Dry" should not be a product name, ever. The idea of a dry beverage seems like an oxymoron anyways. I'm getting carried away - back to the story:
 I get food poisoning 4 weeks ago, and my sister brings these two bland items for me to try to ingest. And now that I am in tip top shape and not sick anymore? I can't stop eating them. Seriously, saltines and ginger ale for a snack happens almost daily. So much so that my kid now eats saltine crackers with wild abandon.

Mystery #2 - Speaking of my child, how is it that her "picky toddler" phase is happening, but some of her staple items would make a lot of people cringe. Her #1 snack item right now? Hummus... usually dipped with goldfish, but still! Other items she likes: plain cottage cheese, and smoothies with fruit and spinach (green green green). She will not touch a french fry, or any potato product really. Not complaining, I am just perplexed.

Mystery #3 - I like to joke about having a "black thumb" and that I can't keep anything alive. If my memory serves me right I have slaughtered: an assortment of roses, orchids- the label said "easy" to care for... I call shenanigans, mums, daisies, a peace lily from my aunt's funeral which we named after my aunt, so that was a little awkward when it finally gave out. I actually killed a cactus collection at one point. So the mystery is that I have no idea how my dogs are still alive.

Mystery #4 - There are thousand of types of vegetables, so far in my tenure here in the good ol' South I have only been introduced to 150? 175? or more, I haven't counted cut me some slack.
There are bulb vegetables, root vegetables, fruit vegetables, leaf vegetables, and so on. How is it that out of thousands of veggies, it would appear as though the mighty Asparagus is the only one that will totally transform the smell of piss from gross to SONOFA! OHMYGOD! WHY DID I EAT ASPARAGUS $!@#%^&>?!. *gag*  *vomit*. What is the deal with that? I mean, I am not complaining that it is the only vegetable that has this magically disgusting quality, but I find it fascinating. Or something like that.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Dream a Little Dream

First things first - it is the 18th of the month. That means in exactly 4 months I will have a 2 year old. That is crazy talk.

Moving along, I had a dream last night that I actually remembered by the time I woke up. I don't know what it means. So if any of you care to interpret please be my guest.

       It begins with me being at home and receiving a letter from Reinhardt College (or University now, whatever). The letter contained my class schedule which was one class. I joke about how I will show up to take this class and they will ask me to pay an astronomical amount.
        Then I see myself driving to their Roswell campus, and I am in one of those stupid looking smart cars, except mine must be exceptionally smart because it is half the size of a regular one. I can actually park it in between other regularly parked cars. The campus police tell me that it is safe to do so, so I walk in to take my one measly class. Later on in the dream those same campus police put a huge parking ticket on that stupid car.
         I make it into the lobby area and I am asking some t(w)eenage girl where she thinks my classroom is. I see that she is bragging about her class schedule which is full with about 7 classes. We are chit chatting and all of a sudden I see a naked child running and giggling through the lobby. I then realize that it is my naked child that is on the loose so I drop my class schedule and take off after her. She makes her way to a large auditorium sized lecture hall. There she weaves in and out of aisles making new friends, and getting tons of laughs. I eventually track her down and carry her out of the lecture. I decide to just go home, which is where I find the large parking ticket on my ridiculous car.

Then I woke up.

Is this some sort of sign that I need to continue my education? Or better clothe my child? Who knows.

Reasons why I can't figure this dream out:
- I haven't taken a college class, or had any desire to, in over 3 years.
- I hate small cars.
- The only thing I can correlate is the ticket thing, I was talking about traffic tickets yesterday. Everything else is a mystery.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

School Buses, and Pizza Reports.

Yesterday was weird. I really can't think of another way to describe it.

I woke up with a cold, so maybe my mind was a bit vacant with the cold meds. Work was work - though the paranormal group is really keeping me on my toes these days. Taking on Case Manager at a time that is busier than we have seen in 4+ years was not one of my better plans. If this second cell phone I have to carry rings one more time and I have to hear about a "demonic possession"  "or enter any other totally bat shit crazy description here" I myself will go bat shit crazy. People have got to stop watching movies and watching tv. As an investigator who gets paid $0 I sure have to weed through a lot of shit to get to do what I like to do, which is help people who could actually use our services and not the services of a mental health professional.

Anyways, I digress. I get home and right around the end of nap time (2:00-2:30ish) I am in my daughter's room. Her room faces the street. I hear the school bus, which is a normal noise for that time frame so I ignore. I do notice that it is sounding rather close today, and it isn't driving away. For good measure I peek out her window. I see the bus parked near my front yard, and a woman standing close to my driveway. I think nothing of this at first glance, but then it occurs to me I don't see any children outside with her so it isn't a mom walking her kid home, the only kids around are still on the bus. I look again, and I see that the woman has a school employee lanyard/badge on. I look down and see that she is holding something, so I squint a little. It then occurs to me that the woman is holding MY MAILBOX. I also see at that point that the post, or what used to be the post is now also completely jacked up, it also occurs to me that all of this is so because SHE RAN IT ALL OVER WITH THE SCHOOL BUS. I watch for a few seconds as she looks at post then box, post then box. It is then I decide to round up the baby and go outside to pull a Stewie and say "hey, whatcha doin?". By the time I get downstairs with her, fend off our 3 dogs so they don't bolt out the door, and walk around our sidewalk I notice something rather startling. The school bus with the questionable driver? It is gone. Gone, gone, gone. I can't even hear where it is anymore. So Adeline and I stare at our sad little mailbox, mail all askew inside like a hamster on crack packed the contents for us. We take a few minutes to retrieve the mail from the new custom ground box and go inside to call Brett. I am still in a daze because it is kinda funny and well, this shit doesn't happen often (knock on wood). Brett calls the school transportation department, they exchange a call or two throughout the afternoon, resulting in the person he really needs to speak to not calling him back.

Then we have to file a police report, because apparently mailboxes are like, federal property or some shit. And you can't be takin your big fancy school bus a runnin them over all willy nilly and leaving the scene before the confused as shit person who owns it comes out to confront you about it. Not kosher. So, as Adeline says the "pizza" men, in the fancy "pizza" car come to file a report. Sidenote - mailboxes are no joke for the wallet, some $200+ for our mail receptacle and post. I may be in the wrong business.

I will say that by this morning the school transportation department was getting started on getting our replacement mailbox. Fingers crossed they work quickly. I am pretty sure the United States Postal Service won't deliver my mail to the ground in the meantime.