Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Well, 2012 was my weight busting year. I didn't mean for it to be, but it happened. Here I shall discuss my extremely limited wisdom on the subject, in case any of you want to follow in my rather haphazard footsteps.

My main piece of advice? Get sick, a lot. It is an amazing appetite suppressant. If you have a child, put them in a childcare program of some sort. For us? A Parent's Morning Out program at a local preschool has done wonders for our entire home's immune system. Those little snot nosed shits are constantly loading their germs off onto our child, and she so lovingly delivers said germs to mommy and daddy.

       Aside from that I advise starting a weight loss plan in hot weather climates (phew, you procrastinators can stay fat until summer time, what a relief right?). You are most welcome. But seriously, I am having the hardest time sticking to a workout routine now that it is cold. So I am glad I gave it a shot in the summer when it was 100 degrees. The GA summer melted my fat off, true story. No lies here - 2012 was a record breaking summer, one of the hottest in the states over the last 60 years.

Another helpful weight loss tip? Drink water, lots and lots of water. "But Stefanie, I hate water, it is so boring." Oh yea? You are also really fat so listen up. Just kidding, that was mean, and you might not even be fat while reading this. Fat or skinny, if you hate the taste of water you can flavor it like some crazy yuppie. Fancy that shit up, throw in some fruit, or cucumber, mint leaves, oh my! - oh and by the way, I kept a mint plant alive the entire summer. I know right?!

A rather popular excuse for people who just can't motivate themselves to improve their health "I can't afford to go to the gym or have a trainer."
Let me break down my -Operation Weight Loss- budget so you can see that it doesn't cost much to get the job done:
-Good spot to go walking: Free
-2 pieces of exercise equipment from Goodwill: $40
-Yoga mat I already had: Free
-Pandora station for music to work out to: Free

Want to see my extravagant in-home gym? Ok:
Spectacular right? You'll notice a variety of exposed electrical outlets, that is for keeping you on your toes while you work out. Nothing says motivation like electrocuting yourself mid yoga position. While we are at the yoga mat, when doing any exercises requiring you to be on your back you will also get a lovely view of the exposed insulation. Playing the "shapes in the clouds game" can be used with insulation as well. Nothing helps you lose count of your crunches quicker than spotting an elephant on a motorcycle.

There has to be some validity to my ramblings, I went from 133lbs to 117lbs, and I intend to lose the last two and make it an even 115lbs. I am still whiter than ever though, so instead of being pudgy and pale I guess I just look borderline sickly.

See? My face looks much thinner... And my diet of saltines and ginger ale appear to be making me looney. The kid too, totally looney.

Now that the weight goal is easily obtainable I feel like I need some more challenging resolutions for 2013. Perhaps I can double my etsy success. Perhaps I can train my family's immune systems to defeat the germs that they are constantly coming in contact with. Oh! And I can work on my latest collection, old hotel keys. Those all seem like pretty spot on goals. Lookout eBay, this newly skinny bitch has some hotel keys to buy!*

*totally kidding, I leave all eBaying up to my father, and he rather enjoys finding keys for my latest obsession- such an enabler! Good thing I don't collect crack or heroin. 

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