Thursday, March 7, 2013

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Munchies Edition

First things first, I would like to apologize for skipping Crap That People Have Forgotten About. For two months, two months people! Why didn't someone smack me?!

We can thank my 11:00pm hunger pangs last night for kick starting a thought process that snowballed into a small list of delightfully unhealthy delicacies I enjoyed as a child that I had long forgotten. I am comprising a list of sorts for this post.

Disclaimer: I do realize that some of these treats are still obtainable, albeit most likely through some weirdo snack black market. Or maybe some dusty, crusty packages that are shy of their 20th birthday via eBay or Amazon. But I am not composing this trip down memory lane so that some of you with more time than necessary on your hands can fact check me. Just be one with this post, and get hungry, and be sad because you can't just hop over to Publix and pick up:

1) Squeeze Its juice drinks. So sugary, so not really juice, yet so refreshing these beverages were. I feel diabetic just thinking about them.

 They also had these whacky faces on them, thinking back they were rather creepy. It sure was fun snapping the lid off and trying to get the tiny spot of juice left in the lid. Mondo had a version out also, but it paled in comparison to the creepy face squeeze bottle these guys honed in on.

2) Ritz Handi Snacks Cracker and Cheese packs. My waistline is growing just looking at a picture of this little snack. I was addicted to those overly processed things. Remember them?
It was a psychological mind game for me to always try to distribute equal amounts of cheese whatever that orange crap was that was passing for cheese, to each cracker. Alas, it never failed, I would always run out and have more cracker and 0% cheese left. The complimentary cheese spreader that came in each pack would also double as a nice shiv if you were ever in a jam. 

3) This last one is apparently still very accessible, which I find humorous. I personally haven't seen it lately so I am going to mention it anyways. Big League Chew...

Children's candy modeled after a package of chewing tobacco? Genius! Nothing says fun more than pretending you have oral cancer. 
         You know what crap like this does? It tricks stupid little kids such as myself. Let me explain. My dad chewed pack after pack of RedMan tobacco for years and years (let's be honest, it was decades). 
This tricky little bubble gum treat made my feeble young mind think "this is a delightfully refreshing, bubble blowing blast! No wonder dad has a pack lying around all the time. I think I will try some of his." 
Granted, trying my dad's RedMan when no one was looking only made me feel sick as shit, and did not spur my downward spiral into a tobacco chewing, juice spitting, redneck phase that lasted til I was 11. It made me shun any Big League chew, or other oddly marketed candy items. 
...Maybe that is why I haven't seen any in a while, it says they still sell it at local retailers. I have perhaps been psychologically blocking physically seeing it on the shelf at the store. *calls psychiatrist*

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