Monday, November 22, 2010

Luke...I am your, Pelvis???

Exhibit A

So, what happens when you take Mr. Jones to the childbirth prep class? If we look at Exhibit A we will see - He apparently thinks that the model baby, when positioned in the pelvis correctly, looks like Darth Vader. (Obviously a little more Space Balls-y with the size of that pelvis hat!). But yes, he can find fun in anything apparently. Which is great of course. Sitting in a classroom from 9am to 5pm to learn how to push a person out of your vagina can take it's toll on anyone.

I am glad we took the class, but it was a little ridiculous. They covered all bases, every type of delivery, drug, process etc whether you were choosing that route or not. I think they should have sub-classes to select from the childbirth prep class roster. This would save time and money for those of us who are expecting, and already have an idea of how they want things to go. I have listed a few of the sub-classes below:

1) Childbirth prep 1A : Natural Drug Free Childbirth

Class description: For those who feel like being over achievers or "heroes" by boasting they have delivered their baby naturally and drug free. Class will include all of the excruciating videos your feeble mind can handle. Bring bucket for vomiting, tissues for crying, and possibly medication for migraines. Group exercises will include forming a circle and repeatedly kicking eachother in the pelvis and punching each other in the face to get some pain management practices in before it is too late. There will also be a post-birth meet up opportunity to brag in general about how you almost died from pain. Several times.

2) Childbirth prep 2A : Epidural Please! Childbirth
Class description: For mothers who understand that it is no longer the year 1835, and that there are pain management options readily available for the taking. Class may include a video of a woman attempting drug free childbirth, screaming and crying for 10+ hours, and inevitably requesting the epidural resulting in the ability to relax and deliver her baby. Bring pillows and snacks. This class will only last 3 hours. You are welcome.

This type of class roster would have been much more effective for me, considering I have absolutely no intentions of delivering this baby, or any baby, without an epidural. Ever.

---this post in no way is saying that Mr. Jones and I think that delivering the baby is a joke, if it isn't obvious at this stage in my blog - comedy is a mechanism I use to stomp out fear. Getting Adeline here is slightly terrifying.---

side note: they will be inducing me a few weeks early because of the gestational diabetes, in which an epidural is strongly recommended anyways-so there. If you are an expecting mother right now and are offended because you want to do this the hard way, then I apologize. I think.

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