Saturday, June 30, 2012

Orlando Part 1- There, but not Back Again

My family went to Orlando (technically Winter Park) to see my lovely and talented niece Chelsia graduate from Full Sail University. Since it was a short trip that involved much driving and helping Chelsia move out of her apartment we decided that Brett and Adeline would stick behind.

Anyways, we were scheduled to leave at 11:00am on Thursday, which probably killed my dad because he always embarks on road trips before 5am. The babysitter showed up a few minutes before 11, so I took my backpack and my fancy Nascar cooler (be jealous) full of snacks and went to sit in the driveway so that my inpatient father wouldn't honk the horn at me and wake Adeline from her nap. And I sat, and sat for what seemed like a long time out in the scorching hot. I called dad and asked him when they were coming to get me, and he said "oh I didn't know we were supposed to". After explaining that it made more sense to leave my vehicle with the carseat at my house, you know, in case anyone felt like taking Adeline anywhere at any point he just huffed and said fine we are on our way. Why thank you. So the trip started off with them forgetting to come and get me.

Once we were on the road a few hours our first stop wasn't to pee or get gas, it was to pick! My dad has a problem. We went to a man's house down a tiny dirt road to pick up a roll of screen that was designed for a screen door. "It's rare". Well of course it is, you know what else is rare? My chances of actually making it to Florida without going crazy. I thought for sure we would be stopping several times to pick up super duper rare items before I ever saw GA again. I was also informed at pit stop #1 that we couldn't stop/turn off the van because it could possibly overheat. I just thought in my head, if this van does overheat I could possibly jump into oncoming traffic.

First off - don't spend too much time admiring my undeniably amazing graphics that I most certainly didn't create in a Paint program. Next, I busied myself with billboard watching once we hit the Byron GA area, which was about the time I realized that every billboard from there to Macon was covered in Jesus is my homeboy messages. I saw the words; Jesus, God, Sin, Hell, Repent, Save, and Eternal about 285,000,000 times. I know right? That's a lot. Once we got to the Valdosta area they changed things up. At that point I am speculating the billboard designers felt that the areas following all the way to Orlando were too late for Jesus, they were all crazy sinful fornicators because the following 285,000,000 billboards I spotted were about saving babies, and preventing the abomination that is abortion. Seriously, every billboard had a baby, a fetus, or a crying teenage female on it.

To save time and money we ate sandwiches in the van (or maybe that was because we couldn't stop the vehicle). Anyways, I brought my own but everyone else had egg salad sandwiches. Because that's what you do when you ride in a van full of people for 8 hours, you eat smashed up boiled eggs. My brother in law learned the hard way not to take a look into my Nascar cooler of goodies. After asking what I had in there I pointed out the contents of my lunch : my sandwich, rice cakes, and a pack of birth control. To my surprise he wasn't interested in what I had packed after that.

After lunch I thought it was the perfect time to read. My mom had suggested I pack a new book on parenting, but much to her dismay I actually just brought a graphic novel, Y The Last Man. I think that learning about what a post apocalyptic world would be like if all of the men on earth died at one time is extremely beneficial. The upside was that it is a comic, so lots of pictures which is conducive to not getting sick from reading too many words. Nobody likes a book with too many words. 

Once we crept closer to Orlando I soon learned that Orlando is the land of tolls. It would be significantly more awesome if it were a land of trolls. We spent $6.75 within a 6 mile radius. It was the craziest crap ever. My dad cursing at each toll booth. I guess that alleviates the stress of dropping 1,500 coins into an electronic toll machine and waiting for it to allow you to continue driving.

We met up with the rest of the family, and some of Chelsia's friends and had dinner at Houlihan's. Mmmmm. Then we packed the van up with all of Chelsia's belongings. Which is when I posted this picture:
That blank space in between the dozens of lamps and packing sheet is where I was supposed to be sitting comfortably. Hindsight I have a question - why does my niece have so many lamps? Anyways, we took the van full of stuff to the hotel. Which is when I tweeted this: 
This place is swell, especially if you like crack and hookers!

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