Orlando Part 1- There, but not Back Again

My family went to Orlando (technically Winter Park) to see my lovely and talented niece Chelsia graduate from Full Sail University. Since it was a short trip that involved much driving and helping Chelsia move out of her apartment we decided that Brett and Adeline would stick behind.

Anyways, we were scheduled to leave at 11:00am on Thursday, which probably killed my dad because he always embarks on road trips before 5am. The babysitter showed up a few minutes before 11, so I took my backpack and my fancy Nascar cooler (be jealous) full of snacks and went to sit in the driveway so that my inpatient father wouldn't honk the horn at me and wake Adeline from her nap. And I sat, and sat for what seemed like a long time out in the scorching hot. I called dad and asked him when they were coming to get me, and he said "oh I didn't know we were supposed to". After explaining that it made more sense to leave my vehicle with the carseat at my house, you know, in case anyone felt like taking Adeline anywhere at any point he just huffed and said fine we are on our way. Why thank you. So the trip started off with them forgetting to come and get me.

Once we were on the road a few hours our first stop wasn't to pee or get gas, it was to pick! My dad has a problem. We went to a man's house down a tiny dirt road to pick up a roll of screen that was designed for a screen door. "It's rare". Well of course it is, you know what else is rare? My chances of actually making it to Florida without going crazy. I thought for sure we would be stopping several times to pick up super duper rare items before I ever saw GA again. I was also informed at pit stop #1 that we couldn't stop/turn off the van because it could possibly overheat. I just thought in my head, if this van does overheat I could possibly jump into oncoming traffic.

First off - don't spend too much time admiring my undeniably amazing graphics that I most certainly didn't create in a Paint program. Next, I busied myself with billboard watching once we hit the Byron GA area, which was about the time I realized that every billboard from there to Macon was covered in Jesus is my homeboy messages. I saw the words; Jesus, God, Sin, Hell, Repent, Save, and Eternal about 285,000,000 times. I know right? That's a lot. Once we got to the Valdosta area they changed things up. At that point I am speculating the billboard designers felt that the areas following all the way to Orlando were too late for Jesus, they were all crazy sinful fornicators because the following 285,000,000 billboards I spotted were about saving babies, and preventing the abomination that is abortion. Seriously, every billboard had a baby, a fetus, or a crying teenage female on it.

To save time and money we ate sandwiches in the van (or maybe that was because we couldn't stop the vehicle). Anyways, I brought my own but everyone else had egg salad sandwiches. Because that's what you do when you ride in a van full of people for 8 hours, you eat smashed up boiled eggs. My brother in law learned the hard way not to take a look into my Nascar cooler of goodies. After asking what I had in there I pointed out the contents of my lunch : my sandwich, rice cakes, and a pack of birth control. To my surprise he wasn't interested in what I had packed after that.

After lunch I thought it was the perfect time to read. My mom had suggested I pack a new book on parenting, but much to her dismay I actually just brought a graphic novel, Y The Last Man. I think that learning about what a post apocalyptic world would be like if all of the men on earth died at one time is extremely beneficial. The upside was that it is a comic, so lots of pictures which is conducive to not getting sick from reading too many words. Nobody likes a book with too many words. 

Once we crept closer to Orlando I soon learned that Orlando is the land of tolls. It would be significantly more awesome if it were a land of trolls. We spent $6.75 within a 6 mile radius. It was the craziest crap ever. My dad cursing at each toll booth. I guess that alleviates the stress of dropping 1,500 coins into an electronic toll machine and waiting for it to allow you to continue driving.

We met up with the rest of the family, and some of Chelsia's friends and had dinner at Houlihan's. Mmmmm. Then we packed the van up with all of Chelsia's belongings. Which is when I posted this picture:

That blank space in between the dozens of lamps and packing sheet is where I was supposed to be sitting comfortably. Hindsight I have a question - why does my niece have so many lamps? Anyways, we took the van full of stuff to the hotel. Which is when I tweeted this: 

28 JunStefanie Jones ‏@StefanieMcJones

This place is swell, especially if you like crack and hookers!

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I will cut a little slack- The inside of the hotel was not really that bad, granted I didn't take my shoes off, but the cast of characters just lurking around outside are what prompted the tweet. Not long after that tweet I found myself trapped inside of the bathroom. Dad thought I was joking so he didn't try to help until I said "hey guys, no really, I can't get out!" he opened the death trap doors for me after he finished laughing. And a good night concludes Part 1 There, but not Back Again. Stay tuned kids!

Arm Cast Wonder

I joke a lot these days about how I hope Adeline gets her dad's bone structure. Otherwise she will be a frail little wimp like I was and spend most of her childhood in a cast of some sort. I know these things because I have gone to the emergency room for 3 broken arms. "But Stefanie, you only have 2 arms". Exactly. 

I want to apologize for the grainy photos, but I took a quick pic of some scrapbook pages that document my ridiculous duo of arm casts.

I was in 3rd grade at the time of the incident (exactly one year after I broke my left arm for the first time), I was outside playing on my metal swingset with my niece who was 3ish years old at the time. I was doing that stupid thing that kids do on the swing, where you swing as high as you can, and you jump out as far as you can. Oh wait, kids don't do that? Well I did. At any rate, I had picked up some great speed and height before I took the plunge. My intentions were good, and I of course had envisioned myself soaring like an eagle across the yard. Alas, my foot somehow got caught up in the swing-  post jump, and what followed was a change in my course of direction. I plunged (at a vast speed) straight into the ground. It gets better...

I thought that my scrawny twig like arms would cushion the blow, nope. Both arms broke instantly. Then it was time for my face, yea it was next. My face hit the ground so hard it broke my glasses and possibly my nose. I don't even know how in the hell I got up and into a kneeling position, but I did. I imagine there was a lot of staring blankly, blinking, and processing going on, but before I could figure out that I had just gotten 100% rocked by my swingset my niece Chelsia decides that she wants to be scared and jumps on me to hold her. WITH TWO BROKEN ARMS. At that stage there was so much blood everywhere I just gave up and screamed. Couldn't very well go anywhere with a crazy toddler hanging on me now could I? A big fat F goes out to my dad and my sister for both being inside of the house when these shenanigans all went down. 

Anywho - when they finally got outside they had a sight to see! Dad rushed me to the emergency room, not sure what the rush was for because those assholes let me sit in the waiting room for almost 3 HOURS before calling me back, all the while dad just held rags on my face. Thanks emergency medical services. Mom was on her way to a concert when the incident occurred, but with the useless wait time she had plenty of time to get to us before I was called back anyways. I imagine my mom didn't leave me behind with anyone for a very, very long time. 

I spent the next few months trying to do normal people stuff with two stupid arm casts. What a waste of time! At least I didn't further injure myself. Geeeesh. 

It's Factual

Some useless facts:

• I am hoping that this post will help me reach my goal of 12,000 blog views. It isn't much but I am getting there. 
• When I can't formulate a witty and funny story I resort to bulleted lists. My apologies.
• I have never watched Dirty Dancing from start to finish. Ever.
• About 8 years ago I had a painting on display in the international terminal of Hartsfield airport. That was neat. 
• I never take advice from someone who isn't where I want to be. 
• I never follow directions, this applies to: cooking, crafting, building machinery, and life in general. 
• I have a love hate relationship with being a high maintenance person. Today I am ok with it *nail appt. in an hour.
• I haven't smoked a cigar in over 2.5 years.
• I have never ever tried to smoke a cigarette. 
• I hate wine. Red, white, blue, orange, yellow, whatever, it is all crap. I pretended to enjoy sparkling wine for about 2 months before I realized that it is just as gross as regular wine.
• Drinking guavaberry rum makes you see stuff, like garden gnomes running across a yard and jumping into a woodpile.
• I have a weird thing about funerals, and if I don't see the person in a casket (as in they are cremated, or have a closed casket service) I don't register that they are actually dead.   
• I go to an average of 4-6 funerals per year. That is too many. 
• If there is one song I could say would be for Brett and I, or for each other, I would say it would be "If I had a Million Dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies. Mainly for the wtf goofy factor. 

Not sure why I decided to add the photo, but a useless fact about it: the hat is missing a button because our dog Bacon ate it. 

Neighborhood Watch

Contrary to popular belief, I have actually been exercising. No really, I walk 3 miles a day (at least) 4+ days a week. So what I am only into week #2, that is still 18 miles! Don't let me know that you crunched the numbers for me and they don't jive- I know 3x4=12 and not 18 which is why I used 4+. I've got this. 

I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with homestar runner but apparently my neighborhood thinks that he is out lurking just waiting to jack our stuff.

Seriously, doesn't that look like him?
I forgot that homestar runner even existed anymore. I remember watching the strongbad videos on that website when I was in high school and just laughing so hard (maybe I was just high, but that is neither here nor there).
So my neighbors are watching you homestar runner, no funny business.

If anyone has any clue what I am even talking about I have one word... TROGDOR. I will have to confirm now that I must have been out of my mind to laugh hysterically at this. Crazy teenagers.

Sidenote - the neighborhood watch is pretty legit, a fellow last night said to me "walking alone this time huh?" which I found odd as I haven't seen him out. Ever. 

Through the Veil

---disclaimer - this isn't chock full of witty and funny quips, laying that to the side for just a sec.

This past weekend I volunteered for the 4th annual Through the Veil event. In all honesty when I first arrived I was nervous, as this was my first time attending as staff and I really didn't want to mess anything up. Registration was a breeze thanks to my handy dandy iPhone. I checked people in without a hitch. It was neat to help the vendors and guest speakers get settled in to their vendor spots. I would like to point out that I also had a general nervousness about all of the new people. I have been told before that I am either intimidating to a degree, or come off as a bitch to people, which is disheartening to hear because I don't mean to be either. Making new friends isn't my forte. (Which is funny because I actually met a very lovely couple who's last name was Forte this weekend).

That I would say was the one thing I hands down successfully accomplished this weekend, I made some new friends. The energy that these people had was nothing short of amazing. I have come to the conclusion that the reason I have a hard time making friends is because I have a hard time meeting real people that have good intentions. I have been around too many fake people with irrelevant agendas. I got it right this time, not sure how I managed to get there and which steps led to which parts but I am glad because I was at the right place at the right time. Taking a look around online the days after I saw that they had also enjoyed my company, and their sweet messages were so nice that I literally cried at being lucky enough to now know them. 

Tiny bit of background - the paranormal group was how I knew of the event, and we had decided to be a sponsor this year and have a vendor table. The group was lucky enough to host an investigation with Ben Hansen (Syfy's Fact or Faked show). I donated some passenger vans to get everyone to and from and the night went off with nary an issue. 

The guest lineup for this event is always so amazing, there are too many to list. This year was no exception. One new guest that I hadn't seen before was Travis Walton, the man that Fire in the Sky was based on. Brett had mentioned that the movie had really jacked him up as a child, so a few weeks before the event we watched it (thank you Netflix) just for good measure. 

Some of the panels that I had door duty for were also wonderful. I enjoyed seeing Chris Moon and Paulette Huff (some of the most heartfelt tarot readings I have ever seen). Chip Coffey's panel was both hilarious and mind boggling, as he is such a funny man. Before I describe the next panel that I was scheduled for I would like to say that I actually agreed to be volunteer staff just days prior to this guest confirming. Not that that matters, but that guest was the icing on the cake. Some time ago around the time of this post - I started watching a show with my paranormal peeps. It came on right after our beloved Ghost Hunters. Destination Truth. They went to amazing places, and they showcased how hairy travel can really get. Obviously Josh Gates makes for a hilarious and perfect host. So a few days after I had started prepping in my head for what sort of stuff would need to be done before the event (and I had just thrown my bestie Amanda under the bus for volunteering her full time as well) what are friends for right?! Then it was announced that Josh would in fact be a guest speaker, and I almost fell in the floor. I thought in my head "I wonder if I can get his autograph sometime over the weekend?!" Hahahaha oh boy I hadn't a clue. 

Long story short? fast forward to about 9:00ish p.m. last Saturday night and we are hanging out with Josh and Travis in the Sundial, looking out at the lights of Atlanta. I was laughing on the inside at the sheer craziness of it all. That is where the pic is from, and I have no idea why we all look possessed, but the waitress didn't take any other pictures so I'll roll with it.  A few things to note - regardless of what your stance is on what Travis's story implies he is one cool guy. He was a mix of my dad and my father in law, very quiet and to himself, but there is a sense of humor in there somewhere you just gotta dig a little. I started asking him about grand babies and in no time we were buddies and he was showing me pictures of his little crew like any proud grandpa would. Fast forward some more and we are all hanging out at the hotel bar exchanging stories and drinking beers (Travis had water with lemon and turned in soon after). We sauntered in and out of the karaoke room and back to the bar, and so forth. While in the karaoke room we saw a group of people take off running and some yelling so we followed suit, we followed up into the lobby where we learned that a man was trying to steal a purse. One of the guest speakers, Larry Flaxman actually chased him down and took him out! You can see the news video about it here. We watched as the guy got sat on by 3 security guards and I just turned to Josh and said "Welcome to Atlanta!". Back to the karaoke room, back to the bar, etc etc. The night ended around 3:30am with the hotel staff closing down the bar and putting the chairs up all around us. Amanda and I stumbled back to the room and just giggled, I just turned to her and said that did just happen, didn't it?

Spring Chicken

Dear Forever 21,

       I am trying to understand why you would sell a simple pair of khaki shorts for $11.80, and make them dry clean only. If I had the time or the money to take shorts to the dry cleaners I would probably not even be shopping in your store. Do you understand this concept? Your clothing is cheap, don't try to dress it up by giving it fancy care instructions. It is my birthday today, and I wanted to wear these shorts, alas, they are lying on top of my dryer looking rather sad.
Die in a fire,
Stefanie


---Hindsight, I probably shouldn't be shopping in Forever 21 at all. Grumbles.