Gratefully Grateful 2013 Edition

Ta da!
This is kinda like re-heating leftovers, but I have a new batch of materialistic random crap that I am extremely thankful for. If not for anyone else, this will at least be refreshing for me after the 96 posts I had to weed through in the last few glances at my Facebook newsfeed.You will notice that this is becoming a tradition, me posting what I am grateful for (see last year's edition here).
*Luckily this was saved as a draft, and finished at a later date. It will make sense soon. I am grateful that -saved draft- is an option.

1) I am grateful for prescription glasses. Well, contacts too. I haven't quite been able to bring myself to letting a doctor shoot my eyes with laser beams. I rather like being able to see, so I am thankful for glasses. I am also thankful for the old man who works at my eye doc who successfully fulfilled my request for frames that would look like "Roy Orbison and Lisa Loeb's glasses had a baby." Sidenote- I hope they fired the 18 yr old who didn't know who Roy Orbison or Lisa Loeb were.

                                                   He totally nailed it right?


2) I am grateful for Woodchuck Hard Cider. I drank a healthy amount prior to typing this. That stuff is delicioso. I can recall trying to find booze while vacationing in the Poconos (jk nobody vacations there) and it took dad and I several hours half a day to figure out how you are supposed to successfully buy alcohol there. I wound up with two 40s of Cider. Someone was winning at life that weekend, and I think it was me.

3) I am grateful for Antiques. They are the basis of my life now. If you told the history nerd 10 year old me that this is what I would be doing when I was older I would have never believed it. Or, I would have gotten one hell of a head start, and be retired by now. That realization just blew my mind.

4) I am grateful for Mylar balloons. I never really payed attention to different species of balloons until I had a child. I don't even know how latex balloons still exist, they deflate when you look at them the wrong way. Mylar balloons? Those bitches stay floating for 3+ weeks. I am looking at one in my living room right now that is going strong at 4 weeks. I usually have to have this whole "I am tired of looking at you so I am cutting you down man" scenario play out.

** At this point I have realized I am just drinking and looking around my living room and picking random things. I am surprised an "I love lamp" hasn't made its way into the list. I think for the sake of good writing I will take a little siesta and hit this up at a later juncture.

Switched rooms to blog in, regrouped, and continue:

5)  I am grateful for my family. Not in the "the sun rises and sets in their asses" kind of way. Some days it does. I am grateful for the fact that individually, everyone in my family is fairly dysfunctional, and when we all get together it is a bit of a circus. A harmonious circus. We are all guaranteed to laugh at some point too, I am severely entertained by my family and our inner workings. From the outside we might appear to some to be rather Brady Bunch, but peel that back and we are a big fat can of crazy. I seem to have married into a similar situation, however it is apparently less acceptable to divulge in the craziness of people not of your own blood.

6) I am grateful for confidence. I have never felt more confident in myself, and the direction my life is going in as I do now.

7) I am grateful for liquid eyeliner. Really makes my dirt brown eyes pop.

8) I am grateful for the library. Ever heard of one? Oh it is really neat, has books and such. You take the books home for a while, hope your toddler doesn't eat them or hide them in a toilet, and then you give them back. Last month I managed to lose my library card, but was too lazy to pay the $1 to replace it because I just knew it was "around here somewhere". Forced my husband to get a library card to make up for my  incompetence - but not before my family heard my plight and my dad pleaded with me to take a $1 to replace the card and quit being an idiot. In other related news, my child looks so forward to Storytime Saturdays. She is a regular at our library with the staff, and I couldn't be more proud.

So, I am gratefully grateful. I hope you all have a joyous Thanksgiving holiday.

Half a Decade. America.

This celebratory post is in honor of two things.

1- TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY. I married that big ol lug 5 years ago. That is 1,826 days, half a decade, or more awkwardly, that would be 33 years in dog years.
I wouldn't trade a single one of those 1,826 days/33 dog years.

2- MY HUSBAND BECAME AN AMERICAN TODAY. Kind of ironic that his day of oath was scheduled to the date, 5 years from our wedding day.

American, or Canadian, I have had a limited amount of complaints with the guy. He puts up with a whole lot (whole lot) of shenanigans. I am constantly scheming things, typically insane business ventures. Steadily dragging random old stuff into our house and claiming it as decor. I buy too many shoes and I gradually takeover our entire closet (and bathroom sink respectively). I am constantly whipping up something new and delicious highly experimental in our kitchen.

But? I can count the amount of knock down drag out fights petty squabbles we have had on one hand. That is a pretty sweet track record. There is no such thing as fighting a Brett Jones. He is double my size, and has accidentally hugged me into throwing up. It helps tremendously that we have the cutest freakin' kid to direct a hefty portion of our attention. Our little trio is fairly unstoppable.

Icing on our happy little cake is that he got to ditch his green card today and be an official American citizen. We have both worked very hard over the last 5 years to get to this day, and I am very proud of him!

Here's to 5 years, looking forward to 100 more! Yes, I totally plan on the two of us being 127 and 130 years old. We will blend in perfectly with all of the antiques I am filling our house with.

Monday Wins.

My household decided to start this Monday off at 4am. FOUR O'CLOCK ANTE MERIDIEM (I know, it is too early for latin).
So, unless you are bringing me gifts at any point today, I don't want to see your face. Acceptable gift items may include but are not limited to: money, baked goods, pumpkin flavored items, or alcohol.

I am sure we can all guess who kicked off at 4am first. The kid. We took her to the fair for the first time last night. Apparently hanging out with carnies for hours and hours throws her beauty rest schedule off.
She opted for a two hour play date from 4-6am.

I have some sage parenting advice for anyone with a restless toddler in the house. This will apply for parents taking their 100th trip into their child's room to coax them back to slumber land.
You ready?
Play possum. 
There aren't any requests from your little dear for that extra story/glass of water/pillow fluff that can get through mommy acting as if she is dead to the world. Throw in some snores for good measure. Eventually the child will give up and follow suit.
60% of the time it works every time...

This parenting tip might just be as effective as my How to Potty Train Your Toddler in 3 Hours post. God bless anyone who ever takes anything I write seriously. 

Don't forget: I am still upset that it is Monday all day long, and I am still accepting gifts. 

Let's wrap up this post with some fair photos (sans the carnies):

Riding "Butterscotch" who she was convinced, was a donkey. 

Holy fun clown fish batman! That kid is having the time of her life! 

She was definitely the whitest kid in the bass boat. But not a care in the world! 

Pretty good lookin' crew eh? Those two probably shouldn't team up like that, it makes me look even shorter. 

Why Ya Wanna

Brett: "Brantley Gilbert and Jana Kramer broke up!"
Me: "I bet he finally heard one of her songs."
Brett: "Cold! Or maybe, and most likely, she finally told him about her feelings for me."
Me: "She must've heard about your extensive comic book collection... Irresistible."
Brett: "That was uncalled for."

I should have prefaced that a bit. When "Why Ya Wanna" came out Brett sang it- all the time. Horribly off key might I add. However, he also wouldn't skip a beat each time in telling me that she was going to run away with him one day. That song was almost as annoying as "Call Me Maybe". I see from a general search on the interwebs that Jana has a newer song out now called "I Hope it Rains". I would have to agree, I too, hope it rains, just loud enough to drown any chance of me hearing her (or Brett) sing.

I Miss You

...Hi, it's uh, it's me. Just dusting off the blog here, a little surprised no one has called DFCS and had her taken away from me due to neglect.

I know, I can hear you now:
"Where have you been? Who have you been seeing? Come home, the kids and I miss you!"

Shortest version possible is that I have been over here, doing work stuff. Big girl stuff, worky work, responsibilities. I could say keeping the house clean, but that is a total sham of a lie. I would lose my kid in this mess if she weren't freakishly huge for a two year old.

Another time suck lately? I have been working on legalizing my man friend. Resulting in hours of helping him study for the naturalization test. Apparently he and I learned that the President's cabinet does a lot more than "hold shit". May I point out that most citizens would not be able to answer half of these questions correctly without studying (wanna test yourself? click here). They could, however, tell you about 3 recipes they found on pinterest. Or what Miley Cyrus was wearing when she twerked herself into a media frenzy.

With the amount of ridiculously dumb people that can be found here in 'murica I was bewildered to see the crowd of folks at USCIS still trying to get in to join us. No wonder we get our feathers ruffled and cry "they take our jobs!". Well duh. Determined, bilingual individuals tend to make regular joes look like chumps. Especially if regular joes spend 99.9% of their time on facebook making typographical errors and posting pictures of themselves while drunk/something bacon related or both.
Read a book America, a book with words! 
Back to our process- Brett passed all of his tests, and is currently waiting on the final approval along with a notice to go in to take his oath. 

That short version of where I have been as of late got really out of hand didn't it?

I want to promise that I will write more often. However, I don't want to be like the husband who works "out of town" all the time, so I will cut it to you straight. If you don't see me here, take a look over at the business page. I am halfway appropriate over there. I tend to keep the sailor talk to a minimum, but some Mrs. Jones blogging is better than none right? So chin up! My sincerest gratitude to all of you who actually read the things that fall out of my mind.

Mexican Adventure Log Day 4 Part 2 of 2

      Alright ladies and gents, I left off at the cenote - travelling to the ruins. We spent an ungodly amount of time in the van driving across the country that day (seriously it took up about 4.5 hours of the schedule). The road trip for the day looked like: Dirt road - dirt road - two lane road that everyone knows is just a one lane road - side of the road trash - wild dog - repeat. I have never seen so much litter in all my life. Back home I feel bad just throwing a banana peel out the window (that usually goes well for me, remember this post?). Back to the two lane one lane roads...We hit a traffic jam on the way to the ruins caused by road construction (which really just looked like a bunch of random dudes playing with heavy equipment) in which we watched a large commercial coca cola truck smash, and scrape, the side of the cement roller. Just scooted right a long too. One interesting factoid I want to point out: we were shown a small concrete building (let's guess, maybe 300 s.f.) with a 100s.f. satellite parked right on top of the building. The guide told us that it was the satellite school for the local mayan children. The mexican government felt that it would be cheaper to provide a teacher via satellite and on a screen for these kiddos vs. a real teacher in the classroom. That seemed very strange to me. I wonder how well these little guys can learn via screen and not hands on?

       Litter and odd schools aside, that is neither here nor there. We arrived at Ek Balam, mid afternoon. Just the perfect time to feel like your face is melting off. Our tour guide gave us all a hefty bottle of water for the trek. We regrouped with a new tour guide provided and listened to the history of the ruins, and what some of the magnificent structures were used for. We were embraced by the shade of a few outlining trees during our history lesson, and we all dispersed accordingly to get a good shady listening spot. However, during the tour guides schpeel I kept hearing a spitting noise. I disregarded it at first because, people spit right? Sometimes. I guess.  But wait, I heard it again, and again. Much to my surprise, the Russian duo (a mother and daughter) were standing right behind us. What do you think they might have been doing? Think for a sec. This might throw you for a loop. You think you got it?

The mother, was taking her water bottle, taking a big sip of water...AND THEN SPITTING IT ONTO HER DAUGHTER. Swig, spit, swig, spit. All over this ladies shirt, shoulder area, back, the whole deal.    ..... I KNOW RIGHT?!      $%&*#@!
        She couldn't have come up with a better method of cooling her off? I can think of like, at least 5 ways to incorporate cold water FROM THE BOTTLE to cooling someone off that don't require sloshing it around your gross (and considerably warm) mouth first. For starters, just drink your own cold water, jesus. Brett and I were fairly terrified of them from that point on. And if it weren't for the small shady parameter we had secured we would have gotten the hell away from the spitty Russians. I can't be thankful enough that they were socially awkward and far from cordial or they may have offered to spit on us too. I would have died. If I had known that this was going to go down I would have attempted to see if during our lunch she actually chewed her own food, or had her mom do that for her too. Hello Alicia Silverstone.

We proceed, and wander through the amazingness of the ruins. Once I could regain my focus it was really an awesome experience. These structures are said to have been inhabited 600 BC-1600AD, and it was once a very powerful city. It had several large structures on its grounds. We were able to climb the main temple. At first I laughed at the idea of actually making it to the top, being perfectly content just touching the structure and photographing it. But our entire goofy gaggle slowly crept and crawled to the tippy top. That's almost 100 feet high, narrow stairs with no railing, no rope, no nothing! Going up wasn't the issue, climbing down sorta sideways sorta backwards was the hard part! At least I have little feet to fit nicely on the narrow stairs - Brett's monster feet in his ski sized flip flops had a hell of a time scaling the stairway down. I am pretty sure I just freaked myself out into closing my eyes most of the climb down. Intuitive feet, ftw.

Brett really liked seeing all of the lizards roaming the grounds too:

All in all, it was everything I had hoped to see, and more! One more thing to cross off the bucket list. Maybe when Adeline grows up we can take her and she can experience the greatness too. I will be sure to bring a cool rag for her, and make her drink her own damn water so I don't have to resort to spitting on her to keep her cool! Oy. 

Mexican Adventure Log Day 4- Part 1 of 2.

When I started thinking about the "things to do" in Mexico, the only thing I really wanted to experience was a trip to some Mayan ruins. The rest of the trip? Relax! I won't lie, I much preferred the relaxed environment of Ireland where we were free to roam the countryside in our ridiculously small (and pink, damn thing was pink) rental car. There weren't people every ten feet trying to sell you a tour, and I really liked that. Not that I thought Mexico would be anything like Ireland, I am just stating aloud my travel preferences.

I digress. We actually had an appointment the first morning of the Mexico trip to discuss the thousands of tourist traps stops that were at our disposal. They bring out the big guns first. The stops that require you riding on a huge tour bus packed to the brim with 40+ hungover idiots such as ourselves (to the tune of $150-300 per person). No thanks. Then time to discuss the "booze cruise" tours. Same concept, but on a tiny catamaran with no escape from the freakishly hot Mexican sun (yes, I realize we all share the same sun, but it seriously feels hotter there). No thanks. Then the Mayan ruin tours. She busted out several lovely laminated sheets of combo tours with glamorous photos of Chichen Itza (Chicken Pizza), Coba, Tulum. Then she hesitated to pull something else out of the bag. I asked what else she had rattling around in there that was a little less, crowded? A little less, commercialized? She then pulls out this poor little flier for Ek Balam. I am not going to say it isn't commercialized, hell, the fact that the Mexican government is practically forcing the Mayan people to open up shop at any of these stops to us stupid tourists is bad enough. I would like to note I also requested somewhere we could actually climb some of the temples. Many now have restricted access.
Slowly yet surely they are shutting down climbing opportunities to a lot of these ruin sites. Apparently when big fat Americans drink Tequila all week and then attempt to climb the intricately narrow stairs of these Mayan temples...they fall. Thus, ruining any possible awesome experiences for the rest of the world.

Long story long, we signed up to go to Ek Balam which also included a pit stop to a cenote (underground cave/water system). When Wednesday rolled around we went to the lobby of the resort to join our fellow vacationers on this nice little tour. To our surprise, we were the only folks on that entire resort going to Ek Balam, so we hopped onto our small, empty bus van and geared up for an eventful day. We had a great tour guide for the day, named Danique. She is from the Netherlands, so I thought it odd she happened upon being a tour guide at an obscure spot but hey whatever! Went to another resort where we picked up: a slew of  crunchy canadian kids, some french people, and 2 bat shit crazy Russian ladies (I will explore further soon enough). I was the only American on board, I am glad they didn't feed me to wild dogs that roam countryside.
*Insert long bus ride here*
Factoid, factoid, factoid.

Stop #1 - The cenote. We were told ahead of time that this would be occurring, but it was neat to be a part of a Mayan blessing. In a nut shell, when the Mexican government politely asked practically forced the Mayan people to get on board the tourism money train they said that they would be comfortable allowing strangers into their sacred water systems aka, these cenotes, IF they went through a blessing performed by a shaman beforehand. Followed by a thorough shower before touching these special waters.

We went through the blessing, and the painfully cold shower - saw that there were two methods of entry for the cenote. 1- Rappel  or 2- Take handy dandy stairs. I decided against being hooked up to the intriguing system of levers and pulleys and took the stairs. As most tourist spots do, they had entertaining stations inside the cave. Zip lines, rope walks, floaties for relaxing, and so on. My idea of adventure did not involve any of those things, I got in about knee deep and my mind started to shut down it was so cold. While Brett prepped for a refreshing zip line dip I scoured for a floatie. I knew he wouldn't let me leave without at least getting in the water. Whilst finding a floatie to suit my size to my dismay I also found 3 spiders and abandoned project. Stuck my feet back in the freezing waters and grinned at Brett as he proceeded to do ALL THE THINGS. You go hunny.
Other buses started showing up, gaggles of really awkward tourists started to fill up the poor little cave and it's frigid waters, and we headed out and had a yummy lunch.

This post seems to really have gotten lengthy, my apologies. I will break it into a two parter and wrap up with the good stuff: THE MAYAN RUINS.

Wandering the grounds at the cenote.

some photos of the cenote provided by the photographer there. 

The group with the shaman. 

Mexican Adventure Log Day 3

Well, Day #3 can be summarized into 1 (ok maybe 5) easy bullet points, and no photographic aids.

1 - We drank the water. Welp, that concludes Day #3 folks!
2 - We attempted some earlier morning sun bathing. Not the best plan for 2 of the ginger-est people at the resort. I can fake it, as you read from the last post I had a spray tan. I still managed a good, and quick, burn. In order for Brett to prep his freckles skin he has to allot around 45 minutes to cover himself in sunscreen. Kudos to him for the time and attention he pays to preventing sun damage. All efforts being futile because he always gets a good burn going regardless of SPF/YMCA/JK. I think that if his freckles would just get on board, and join forces they could all group up and pretend to look like a tan. Poor guy.
3 - After we gave up on our summer glow we retreated to the room to cry about our skin, our digestive systems, and spent a good portion of the day watching forensic shows on tv.
4 - We conquered our fear of the mexican atm machine and finally procured some pesos.
5 - Realized that we really, really miss our kid.

Once again- my apologies for not providing photos of Day #3, it is better this way.

Mexican Adventure Log Day 2

Father, it has been one month since my last confession blog post.

At this rate, I am going to finish reliving the story of my Mexican Adventures in 7 months... Really, it took me one month to post Day #2? Why didn't you guys slap me?
So, how about this, I just churn this stuff out in a day or two. And move on? Sound good? I haven't even attempted any posts about crap that people have forgotten too. For shame, for shame.

Ahem, Day 2.
I am pretty sure I woke up around 5am, but I would also like to note that it took me about 4 days to figure out what time it actually was. The room clock, the room tv, and both of our phones all displayed different times. That's 4 different times to choose from. And if you ask a resort staff member? It is tequila time, every time. I gave up.

Decided to take a shower, harmless right? Apparently the entire time I was showering I was unaware that I was also flooding the entire room. THE ENTIRE ROOM. Oopsy. Brett hopped out of bed, and into standing water. I would like to explain how I managed to do this, but I really can't. I am just special like that. Nothing that a few clothes lines and furniture re-arrangement can't fix.

If you happen upon Playa del Carmen, 5th avenue district is apparently the bees knees. We wandered it's street(s) as we were located a block away. It was nice, and it was touristy. Got my fill of local handmade chotchkies in all the souvenir spots. Declined dozens of offers for special tours. Learned that Brett will be widely recognized for the next week as Red beard/whiskers/or some other combo nickname for a large man with a large beard. One fellow selling tours specifically stopped him to ask what his plans were:

Random tour seller (R.T.S): "Whiskers! What are you guys up to this week?"
Brett:    "We have a tour tomorrow to see Ek Balam."
R.T.S.: "Well, what are you doing the rest of the week?"
Brett:    "Her."  *points to an extremely red faced me*
R.T.S.:  *blinks*
He definitely knows the right things to say huh? I couldn't possibly be more proud.

The last stop we made was to another souvenir shop to browse and an old white lady stops me to ask an important question: "Ma'am, do you work here?".
Me:  "Not unless my husband has just made some sort of terrible arrangement, no, I don't".
-This did however, make me want to give my spray tan lady an extra tip, as she apparently made me look like a local for the week.

*Insert some detail about more delicious food and drinks for dinner, and going to bed here*
Oh! And a photo or two, because visuals are generally entertaining:

This pretty much sums up our relationship. Brett being lewd, me being embarrassed. It is a delicate balance, in which he usually tips the scales of.  

A forced normalcy photo, you can tell he really just wants to go back to his original pose. 

Mexican Adventure Log - Day 1

Who has two thumbs and brought a journal on vacation?

This nerd:

               Pretty sure I am day dreaming in this photograph. About my journals.    "...Dear diary..."

But hey, at least you get to hear about the trip in excruciating detail. I would like to start by saying that fate was working against us for this trip. We I decided to go Playa del Carmen, and stay at The Royal for an entire week sans baby. He reluctantly agreed at first. I thought that planning a romantical getaway with the Mister was going to be as magical as the trip itself. Then I realized I was married to a green card totin' disaster and all of those high hopes faded away.

           Problem #1-Canada took its sweet ass time renewing Brett's passport, so much so that we were considering ways to utilize our trip insurance to cancel the trip. Our best method for implementing the insurance plan was to run over Brett with a car, which as some of you know, I already have good practice with (that link here). Luckily for Brett it arrived 3 weeks prior to our departure. Phew.

           Problem #2- Departure day. We had to take 2 detours en route to the airport for a highway shutdown due to a shooting standoff with the police. Once we were dropped off at our terminal we realized something else- THIS WASN'T OUR TERMINAL, NAY, AIRPORT. Shuttled to the appropriate airport just in time.

All crappy travels aside, we arrived in Mexico unscathed. When we got to the resort I was almost certain the shuttle had taken us to the wrong place. It was much too nice. We pretended to know what we were doing and were checked in with champagne in one hand, and hot towel in the other, in no time. A random man walked up to us and said "checking in?" to which we replied yes, and he said "good, have this" and hands us a styrofoam cooler. I envisioned a black market organ to be the contents of our new found gift, but luckily it was empty.  We totally took it, and totally used it.

We learned immediately that we would be fat by ends week with the amazing food that was at every corner of this resort. We also discovered our room had it's own liquor dispenser. Oh snap.

And here we are prepping to head out for our first night in Playa del Carmen:

That concludes Day 1. Hold your applause for the end of the week's final log. 

Nice Pigeon.

Neighbor: "Hey, did you lose a pigeon? I found one earlier, thought it might be yours." 
Me: "Well lets see, I lost the garage opener the other day, and a pair of headphones recently, but nope no pigeons."

--What do you have to do in order for someone to be like, "Holy crap! Look hunny! There's a pigeon. I bet it's Stefanie's."

When, oh when, did I become -that girl-?

Granted, I was voted "most likely to own a pet pigeon" in high school so this shouldn't be a surprise.  

And now? I'm genuinely curious as to how cool it might be to have one. At least if I lost the little bastard my neighbors would think to call me first if they found it.

Anyone have pigeons? Pros/cons? I envision it being smarter than all three of my dogs put together. Sorry pups. 

Turkeys, Hours, and Furbys Oh My!

I have 3 insanely important topics to share with you all on this lovely, pollen infested, spring morning in GA.

1-First things first: TURKEY. Upon leaving my driveway this morning I spotted a huge, like really huge, turkey nonchalantly grazing in my neighbor's yard. I slowed my car to a halt - honestly my first instinct was to roll the window down and talk to it. Kinda glad I didn't go with that plan. I also considered chasing it down into our yard so my kid could see it when she woke up. But, I didn't want to be "that girl". I just kept driving, it's better this way. My neighbors already think I am weird enough, then again, i'm not the one with turkeys in my yard either. Sidenote-We all know turkeys make excellent pets, right? Show of hands - who has had a pet turkey? Guys? Just me?(see link here). 

2-I would also like to point out that every retail store on the planet really needs to post their store hours in a larger font. Seriously guys, I can't possibly drive my car that close or that slow to the front door of your building to read your point 10 sized font that says I am 35 minutes too early. And? When I go park my car, get my shit together, lock my car, and walk to your front door to read your point 10 sized font - people are watching me and laughing. Whilst they laugh I have to shake my head in dismay, walk back to my car, unlock, and sit like a fool for the remaining wait time hoping some other idiot does the same exact thing I just did so I can join the peanut gallery and laugh too. Large franchise chain stores: I am positive that even in this down economy you can spring for a bigger store hour sign. I am begging you. 

3-And lastly, if anyone gives your child a Furby it is a pretty good indication that they may hate you. I didn't like Furby 15 years ago, and I don't care too much for it now either. Humor me, and go to the Hasbro website (or google Furby). The new re-vamped line of Furbys current motto/tagline? "Furby, A Mind of it's Own". No, just no. Toys aren't supposed to have a mind of their own. That is like some I, Robot shit going on that I can't handle.

          Adeline's Furby is pink, yet it sounds just like Mr. Chow(from the Hangover)-which in all honesty is it's only saving grace with me. However, I would definitely prefer a crazy naked Asian man running around instead of this thing. At least I would then have a chance at my kid not wanting to drag it around everywhere. Adeline scoffed at my name suggestion of Mr. Chow, so she just calls her little dear Furby. As per it's instruction manual her attitude develops via the way she gets treated. There is our first problem eh? It also states that as time passes she will learn English, she learns from what we say to her. Perfect. Right now she speaks "Furbish" and also says, "OH EM GEE, LIKE OHMAHGOSH". That is the only English she seems to have been programmed with pre-us talking to it and "training" it to speak like we do. SonofaKillMeNow.

To add to the irritation factor, the new re-vamped Furby now comes with an iPhone app, so aside from this darling toy commandeering my sanity, she also commandeers my only line of normal communication with the outside world. Well played Hasbro, well played.

          She also has an alter ego which is just precious. The kiddo and I played a little rough threw her a few times for good measure - she immediately went into this jumpy, blinky frenzy, closed her creepy little eyes and when they popped back open she was growling in a deep man voice and anytime Adeline would talk to her she would burp in response, followed by more growling.    ...Shit will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. You think we need to worry about a nuclear meltdown? Nah, I think they are just planning to infiltrate via Furby contraptions in American households. After all, they have a mind of their own. 

The more you know right?

Zombie Prep - Gates and Spuds

As per usual, I am obsessing over The Walking Dead. It is nearing the finale for the season, but I will still have my monthly comics to read. I will be fine, I will be fine.

In the interim I would like to provide my 3 part plan for surviving a zombie apocalypse. Not 3 step, but 3 part - feel free to engage any part of the plan at any time.



Part 1 - Potato Gun. 

See ya later tater! Er, zombie. 

Also known as a Spud Cannon, Spudzooka, or any other clever combination of Potato and firearm you can think of. It is a lovely combination of pipe, pressurized combustible gas, and projectiles that I am confident, could take out a zombie. Perfect for DIY-ers because you can build and modify to your every whim. If you are a pro you could hit a walker from 100 yards away. Sounds safe to me! Could potentially cause much less ruckus than your average weapon as well. Ran out of spudzooka ammo? Just grow more!


Part 2 - Baby Gate.

Disclaimer: Didn't say it would keep out everything. 

I know more people than not who can't easily operate opening and closing a variety of baby gates. They are complicated apparatuses (apparati?) I feel more confident with using apparatuses. Apparatuses. Oh what the hell, baby gates are tricky ok people! They are designed to be uber durable, have crazy wall mount strength, and often require a 2-3 step process for unlocking. So many buttons, locks, sliding mechanisms, small systems of levers and pulleys - you name it!
My suggestion here is to set up a compilation of baby gates in all shapes and sizes to ensure a safe perimeter. A zombie or two trying to figure out what model type each baby gate is and how to properly unlock it to get to you, well, would be biting off more than they could chew (see what I did there? huh huh?).

Part 3 - High Ground.
Employing Parts 1 &2: Arming yourself with a spudzooka and arranging your baby gates will then prep you for Part 3 - finding high ground. Ideally a staircase because those combined with baby gates are the worst combo for easy entry.

-There you have it people, don't get stuck ill prepared. I am full of great advice so feel free to steal my ideas. It could save your life. Or, it could make you look like a total weirdo with a collection of potato guns and baby gates. Freak.



P.S. - Happy Pi Day! Just kidding, I don't care about Pi. I hate math, and numbers are the devil.

Hairstyles of the Slow and Non-Famous

" I love feeling the wind through my hair net at top speeds of 40 mph."
                  - The busted lady I saw driving in the fast lane down the highway in her old, beat up, Ford truck while sporting a large black hair net.

Ok, so she (who honestly could have very well been a he) didn't actually say that, I am improvising a smidge. At any rate, I got stuck behind he/she on the way to an appointment yesterday afternoon.

Kinda wanted to tell he/she that barely creeping along in the left lane as if you are trapped in some space-time continuum only does two things: A-makes you look like an jacka$$ to those of us who appreciate arriving anywhere on time, and B- it also draws painfully slow attention to the fact that you are wearing a ridiculous hair net.

I tried very hard to figure out what was going on with what I was seeing. Was the hair net intended to be some sort of accessory? Was I cruising alongside a lunch lady? Are those old truck windows stuck in the down position, forcing he/she to take unfashionable measures to save their hairstyle? It was barely 50 degrees, without the wind, so I am leaning towards busted lady- in a busted truck- with busted windows theory.

Aaaaaaand I am going to go ahead and wrap this up, because I apparently spend way too much time contemplating excessively unimportant things. How do I ever get anything done?

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Munchies Edition

First things first, I would like to apologize for skipping Crap That People Have Forgotten About. For two months, two months people! Why didn't someone smack me?!

We can thank my 11:00pm hunger pangs last night for kick starting a thought process that snowballed into a small list of delightfully unhealthy delicacies I enjoyed as a child that I had long forgotten. I am comprising a list of sorts for this post.

Disclaimer: I do realize that some of these treats are still obtainable, albeit most likely through some weirdo snack black market. Or maybe some dusty, crusty packages that are shy of their 20th birthday via eBay or Amazon. But I am not composing this trip down memory lane so that some of you with more time than necessary on your hands can fact check me. Just be one with this post, and get hungry, and be sad because you can't just hop over to Publix and pick up:

1) Squeeze Its juice drinks. So sugary, so not really juice, yet so refreshing these beverages were. I feel diabetic just thinking about them.

 They also had these whacky faces on them, thinking back they were rather creepy. It sure was fun snapping the lid off and trying to get the tiny spot of juice left in the lid. Mondo had a version out also, but it paled in comparison to the creepy face squeeze bottle these guys honed in on.

2) Ritz Handi Snacks Cracker and Cheese packs. My waistline is growing just looking at a picture of this little snack. I was addicted to those overly processed things. Remember them?

It was a psychological mind game for me to always try to distribute equal amounts of cheese whatever that orange crap was that was passing for cheese, to each cracker. Alas, it never failed, I would always run out and have more cracker and 0% cheese left. The complimentary cheese spreader that came in each pack would also double as a nice shiv if you were ever in a jam. 

3) This last one is apparently still very accessible, which I find humorous. I personally haven't seen it lately so I am going to mention it anyways. Big League Chew...

Children's candy modeled after a package of chewing tobacco? Genius! Nothing says fun more than pretending you have oral cancer. 

         You know what crap like this does? It tricks stupid little kids such as myself. Let me explain. My dad chewed pack after pack of RedMan tobacco for years and years (let's be honest, it was decades). 

This tricky little bubble gum treat made my feeble young mind think "this is a delightfully refreshing, bubble blowing blast! No wonder dad has a pack lying around all the time. I think I will try some of his." 

Granted, trying my dad's RedMan when no one was looking only made me feel sick as shit, and did not spur my downward spiral into a tobacco chewing, juice spitting, redneck phase that lasted til I was 11. It made me shun any Big League chew, or other oddly marketed candy items. 

...Maybe that is why I haven't seen any in a while, it says they still sell it at local retailers. I have perhaps been psychologically blocking physically seeing it on the shelf at the store. *calls psychiatrist*

Tuesday Morning Observations

If anyone wonders why I should not drink coffee in the mornings I present to you, "Tuesday Morning Observations". It is just a sampling of what the, who the, how the - that goes on in my head when given a friendly boost from Mr. Caffeine:

- The classic scene of a fire crew rescuing a stupid cat out of a tree - I have never witnessed such a scene. Figured with as much as I have seen it in cartoons and tv shows I would have observed it happening at least once by now. This either means, A: Cats aren't really that stupid. Or B: People in real life don't really care enough about cats to see them get unstuck from a tree.
Sidenote - why can't the cat just climb down? Or can they, but people are far too impatient and feel like it is an emergency situation. "I was heading to work, but that cat stuck in that tree over there is some pretty serious business. Quick! What's the number for 911?! Don't worry strange kitty, I will wait until you are safely rescued before I go back to my regularly scheduled programming."

- I over think a lot of things. See bullet #1.

- Time couldn't possibly be any slower than when you are attempting to win an eBay auction. That last 60 seconds is ridiculously sloooooooow. On a very related note: I now have a sweet vintage Tom Thumb toy cash register heading my way from Indiana. I fully intend to push the buttons, and whilst it makes the cha-ching noise say "I'm rich bitch!".

- I have traveler's insurance for an upcoming vacation. Apparently losing one eye on your trip only allots you 50% coverage. I can see how losing an eye on vacation would be a little more than 50% bothersome.

- I think Easter has ruined my like for a boiled egg. I recall maybe enjoying them at some point in my childhood. I want to say it was the realization that during an Easter egg hunt the following occurs: Boiled eggs get left out in warm weather, and lying on the ground, for much too long. This, coupled with the fact that they can make an entire house smell like a wet fart, make me have a hatred for them.
"That smells disgusting! Here, let me have a few. OMNOMNOM". Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little. 

- Now I am thinking of what I would hate more: 1- having to eat a boiled egg. OR 2- finding a spider crawling on me. These things will haunt my dreams tonight.

State of the Union

This is a little change of pace for this blog, and in 150+ posts I haven't really skimmed any political topics. 
However, last night I watched the State of the Union address. 

I could tell by the facebook posts I saw that a lot of you people feel like our President is stealing our guns, giving us silly women way too much freedom, and hugging gay people a little too much. That is rather unfortunate that people feel that way.

Below you will find my synopsis, via bullet points, of some of the "hot topics" that people feel the need to rant about via ridiculous memes and ecards. Sidenote - I will take you and your political views more seriously if I see that you can articulate your own thoughts instead of copying and pasting, and extra points if you use proper grammar. Anyone in this boat will quite possibly just get angry enough to post an army of political memes after they read what I have to say.

I honestly can't complain too loudly because Brett and I both have jobs, a house, a happy child. We eat 3 meals a day. We send our kid to preschool to socialize not out of necessity.
7/8-ish years ago? I was taking clothes to consignment shops in order to get grocery money, hell I'd take back appliances and things to Wal Mart just to get store credit to buy food. I didn't even have a child to feed so I can't even imagine. I had too much pride to ask for handouts from family, and likewise from the state. I am not living in a bubble now, and I understand there are always people that are in seriously sad shape financially speaking. Regardless of political views, or current President. But I just have to share my experiences  and thought processes so that any of you who think I am as big of a "Hitler" as Obama is can at least see where I am coming from.

Whoa I digress, let me get back to the bullet points:

- LGBT community: I have friends and relatives respectively who have "the gay". Like the diabeetus (see Wilford Brimley), many people treat it like its some sort of condition. Relatives? It runs in my family! Do you think I'll catch it?! Like it's a damn disease. I have a newsflash for anyone who knocks on the lifestyle preferences of others, all of my friends and relatives who are gay love me just as much as my friends and relatives who aren't. I reciprocate that respect and love. I have no qualms with allowing them to have the same rights my husband and I have. To waste time and energy on this subject is just ridiculous to me. 

- Guns: can't say much here let's face it, my husband isn't a citizen so he isn't allowed to own any, and that hasn't a thing to do with a decision made by the current President.

- Immigration reform. Don't talk to me about that shit like its bad. I'm married to a green card holder.
Dually noted I thought he may have been gay when I first met him, so now I'm combining bullet points.
"But they'll let all the Mexicans in!".
 Oh, the ones that are already in here? Well, sounds shady. Why don't we let them pay taxes and function like the rest of us. While they clean up shop at US Immigration Services maybe Brett and I can get a step further in our own process before we goof up a form and they come and deport his ass.

You guys who think life is soooo terrible these days, try looming over your head the fact that your spouse could be removed from the country at any time and not have the option of coming back lickity split. Might throw a wrench in things, no?

Maybe all of the people I see complaining about piddly shit should get a letter or two from the Department of Homeland Security like we have that states in every opening line "failure to comply may result in removal from the United States". Please sit in your house on facebook all day and tell me how upset you are.
People would literally die to get in here, and a lot of folks joke about trying to get out. The door is open, trust me, getting in here isn't as easy as you think it is. I can promise you that not every person who is from another country is trying to get across our borders to do us all harm. I know one big, red bearded Canadian who is trying to get here to live his life with his family. Reform away I say. 

- Healthcare: The biggest, so far only, affect the new healthcare has had for us is that I now get free birth control and well visits. Couple hundred dollars a year, and no babies so the savings are rather astronomical.

- Women's rights: I have a vagina, so I'm game for whatever that bullet point entails. Women who aren't on board with giving women more rights or freedom? Typically the "honor thy husband" types. Obey, obey,  respect, and obey. *Insert corresponding bible verse here*. Bitch please! My husband better be honoring me. I'm a goddess. Now if you'll excuse me I have some free birth control to pick up.

Peace Out Mickey, Caillou's in Town

My kid finally found a cartoon she likes better than Mickey- and it's Canadian. Go figure.

The toon? Caillou. 

Here he is with his friends.

 Caillou: "Hate to toot my own horn here guys, but."

I have a short letter in regards to this new barrage of episodes I am forced to watch. 

Caillou, 

You bald little turkey, your complimentary colored world is making me batty. I went to Canada once, and there are more than 3 colors there. I'll swear on a moose if I have to. 

With love (I promise),

Me

Show questions and observations in general:

1) Why is Caillou so bald? He's 4, he should have a few hairs. His baby sister has a head full of hair. What gives.  sidenote: Brett gave him the benefit of the doubt and seems to think the kid has a "condition". This may explain the whining (see observation #4).

2) If anyone was wondering, Julia Child is not dead, Canada stole her and made her the narrator of Caillou. 

3) One episode there is a campground attendant that looks just like Brett. His name is Pierre (naturally). He gives Brett a run for his money with that turtle neck and tiny shorts combo. 

-Brett and Caillou, Summer of 2007. 

Bahahaha. Back off ladies he's all mine! 

And yes, that is a screen shot, from a YouTube video I had to rigorously search for on my computer in order to provide this illustration to this post. Don't judge me.

4) Any time that Caillou speaks, it sounds like he is whining. ANY TIME. EVERY TIME. Stop talking Caillou. 

In all seriousness, it's a pretty jolly little cartoon. And the grandma narrator has a rather soothing voice. Brett assured me that the complimentary color scheme is light hearted and used to convey some sort of happiness. Typical Brett. Why don't you go fold your turtle necks and tiny shorts mister! I'll be over here counting how many times I see the colors red, yellow, and blue. 

Pretty as a Princess - Dress Up Wardrobe

My kid just celebrated her 2nd birthday, I know, I don't want to talk about it.

I told a friend just this week: "I have to be sure that Adeline has a hell of a good time as a child because the rest of the journey is responsibilities and crap, lots and lots of crap."

I wanted to do something special for the big 2, and my little princess is rather fond of dressing up like a princess. I thought, what a better way to celebrate than to construct a wardrobe to hold everything whimsical and fun for her.

Here is the final product for those who just want to see it and move on:

Pretty cute huh? She was stoked about the whole ordeal. 

For those who want to know how I aimlessly roamed my way through this project, proceed. 

As per usual, I had no plan. I knew what I had in my mind, and just hoped to hell that it wound up being usable by the end of the project. I did get some help this time, from both of my parents. Who probably had a really hard time figuring out my make believe blueprints. 

So here is my fly by the seat of my pants tutorial for anyone interested in making one of these bad boys.

Materials:

- Tools: paintbrushes, hammer, flathead screwdriver, staple gun, drill, uh uh uh that might be it. I think that was all we needed. If you are afraid of power tools then you will need your dad, and if you need creative inspiration and help you will need your mom. Unless your mom isn't crazy crafty like mine, then you need to find my mom. 

- An old entertainment center, we found this one at Goodwill for $30. And? It was made in America, which means it weighs a million pounds because it isn't the cheapo stuff. Aside from the fact that it was in a thrift store, that was the cheapo part. 

Here it was before any work started:

- Paint - I went with Valspar primer and paint in one. Color? ROYAL PURPLE. This paint is amazing, and it only required one solid coat. 

- Dainty hardware, we found ours for $2 per knob at Michael's craft store. Win. 

- 1 to 2 yards of fabric to cover the back of the cabinet. I found ours in the bargain bin at a local fabric warehouse, $2.50 per yard. This could also be painted, but I wanted to add a coordinating print. Inevitably it will get covered by clothing, but some will show at the bottom. 

- Tension rod for hanging clothes. 

* Directions 

Which as we all know, are the most hated part of these sorts of posts for me. But here it goes!

Here is an illustration of some of the things that got done first and foremost:

1) Prep the furniture for painting, depending on the finish it may need some good sanding. Take off any backing or boards that you may be covering with fabric. Or add any boards or backing that will also be needing to be painted. I removed all drawers and slide out thingies and painted them first/separately. 

2) Paint away! If using the paint I used just take it easy and do a really thorough first coat, because this stuff is so great I only needed the one coat. 

3) Watch your paint dry... or, rock out to some music. Even better - start working on another part! 

We took the large back panel and covered it with our fabric. The staple gun is your friend for this part. 

4) Once painting is complete and dried, you can re-attach any fabric covered boards. Hello again staple gun (or small nail tacks).

5) Carefully add hardware or whatever knobs you chose with a drill. Or pretend for about 5 seconds that you are going to do this part until your dad does it for you. 

6) We moved it in to it's spot in our little Diva's bedroom before the finishing touches were done. At that point we added a tension rod for hanging her dresses, and the baskets for the accessories. 

7) Load that sucker down with every frilly, dainty, lovely thing you can find. Every person who requested gift ideas for the little dear was told to go with anything dress up. She could easily supply every drag club in Key West with her current stash of frills. 

and 

Ta da! 

The wardrobe was a huge hit, we can't keep her out of it (literally, she keeps crawling inside of it and camping out). 

Up Up and Away! Hot Air Balloons

There are many times that I scoff at stay at home moms and bored housewives, and crack jokes thinking that I am gleefully not either of those things.

And then I realize that I just spent 3 hours constructing miniature hot air balloons out of old light bulbs and it hits me that I may be somewhat of a nutjob. With half mod podged fingers and tiny paper scraps surrounding me I pack my humility up and quit scoffing, because I am one odd project away from Craftaholics Anonymous. "Hi, my name is Stefanie, and I can't quit gluing and glittering shit together."

This miniature hot air balloon project intertwined a few of my favorite things, it was the perfect "upcycled" project. I got the idea from Danny Seo's book, Upcycling Celebrations. 

I really liked the old tree limb that I had prepared for the Advent Calendar this year. So when Christmas passed us by I left the limb up in the hallway, and used it to hang my new doodads from. I rather like it!

To get the full scoop on what to do, buy Danny's book. This project requires 5 materials, and is super easy to do, the only hassle is drying time on the mod podge. The cost? well, if you are a whacko and have everything on hand in your craft room like I did, then free. Otherwise it is still very minimal.

My Farewell

Preface: this post involves my hobby as a paranormal investigator. I have mentioned a few things about it in previous posts.
I set this post up for the team's website, and felt like adding it here as well. 
So here it is:

Death is the only guarantee that life has to offer. 

On that note, it is no wonder that so many people are fascinated with what happens after death. 

I started my journey in the paranormal field about 5 years ago. I won't lie, I was probably more interested in doing what they do on the t.v. shows than I was with actually helping people. I had so much to learn, and learn I did. My personal goals in this hobby evolved over the years, and I would like to think that somewhere along the way I did help a few people out. I have formed some amazing friendships along the way too, and I have never known another group or club to function so much like a family (an extremely professional family at that). 

I started this journey as a believer, I grew up noticing things that weren't "normal" and I knew that there had to be something else to all of this. It isn't black and white, the universe, the whole life after death idea, there is a gray area. This gray area is what has been a topic of concern for dozens and dozens of clients we have been called on to help over the years. Yes, some client situations we could explain away as nothing paranormal. However, I can say that I have added to my arsenal of personal experiences as an investigator. I can't tell you the meaning of it all, I could be on several teams, over several decades, and still not tell you how it all works. There are no rule books when it comes to this sort of stuff.

I do know that there is a fear surrounding this unknown, and that fear is real. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to work with this amazing team, and to have been able to eliminate that fear in myself. 

Yesterday it was with a heavy heart that I announced to my team that I will be resigning from my duties as case manager, and investigator, on March 31st, 2013. I battled it out in my head for months on what would be the best move for me to make. Maybe just step down from my board position, take a leave of absence, go to the beach, take a hike, fly a kite, you name it. Unfortunately I can't operate that way, as my goals evolved in this field I have managed to turn it into a bit of an obsession, and less of a hobby. I spend hours on the team's message board. I spend hours tweaking forms and methods. I have organized and re-organized enough to probably make the whole team batty. I know deep down that in order to re-direct my focus to where it needs to be I have to just cut all ties. That realization ripped my heart right out.

I wish the best of luck to all of my teammates, my family. I also wish the best of luck to all of our past, present, and future clients. If you are a potential client reading this and navigating through the website to find a team to help you, you are at the right place. I cannot think of a better group of people to take care of you. 

The paranormal field has offered me so many great memories, and I thank each and every one of you who I have had the pleasure of meeting through this adventure.