Crap That People Have Forgotten About: TV Edition

Maybe, just maybe, I am a little bitter about The Walking Dead ripping my heart out by making viewers go through a 2 month grieving period until we can see new episodes. A mid season finale? Really guys? Who does that, oh wait you guys and Breaking Bad do. Why don't we just call it a separate season? End rant.

I don't recall shows doing that when I was growing up, and you know who wouldn't have made viewers go through this mid season finale crap?

TALES FROM THE CRYPT.
Remember that mess? Dust off your brains a little and recall what a gem that series was. It delivered some terrible horror stories to us from 1989-1996. Obviously, I didn't watch it in '89 because I was 3, and that would just be crazy talk. I think watching it in the early 90's didn't do much for me either. I am sure it only further molded my creepy little mind. Perhaps being young, or not paying close attention- I have a few show details slightly askew, but I rather loved the show. When I mentioned to Brett that I thought the show was worthy of a Crap That People Have Forgotten slot he mentioned why he himself loved the show:

"I used to like that show because every once in a while I got to see a booby."
                                                                                        -Brett Jones


In case you have forgotten, it was hosted by the world's tannest mom:

Apparently, she used her show earnings to ride the botox wave after the show came to a close in the 90's, because her features in my opinion appear a little "fuller" than when she hosted the show:

  Blech, I know right? Get some sleep sister!

Joking aside, well, not too far aside - because I wanted to mention one of the crypt keepers corny tag lines "Hello Boils and Ghouls". That is, after the camera pans through his rather creepy mansion and into his basement where he pops out of a coffin cackling like an old woman. All that house and he decides to sleep in the basement, decaying men are weird. 

The show found a way to take what they considered some bone chilling plots to scare the pants off of you, and then sometimes add in a little twist of humor at the end. 

One episode I recall involved a group of nice looking teenagers taking a trip to the local swimming hole. They soon realized that there was a gooey lake blob munching them right up. I am pretty sure that that is the full synopsis. Hot teenagers -> Lake -> Blob -> Everyone dies.

Oh, and the best, an episode about a comic book artist that learns his illustrations have come to life and are running around all willy nilly and killing people. That episode spurred my 15 minute career as a monster illustrator/comic book artist. I couldn't quite get my monsters to look less cuddly and more "I'll eat your soul" so I quit. 

The show was one of the first to introduce some pretty sweet digitally created computer effects. 

Important thing for me to note - premise came from a comic book series ( I see a parallel... The Walking Dead). Granted, the episodes were only 30 minutes each, but they sure didn't pull any crap like a "mid season finale" so I think TWD should take note. And yes, I will be bitching about this until TWD returns in February. 

You can watch reruns of Tales From the Crypt on Fearnet NOW.

* In case any of you think I actually believe the world's tannest mom was the host of this show I would like to clarify that I am aware that the crypt keeper was a puppet voiced by John Kassir. 

A Very Jonesy Christmas

I have had a few requests for decor photos, so that people can see what was making me so damn batty the last few weeks. Er, I mean so that they could see my decorations and be magically inspired to follow my lead.

Our theme this year kinda mixed traditional, rustic, and vintage kitsch. I was rather inspired by Martha Stewart's Winterberry line sold at Home Depot. But? I didn't feel like spending my mortgage payment on her brand so I did my own spin off, it's called "Dingleberry" sold, nowhere. Totally kidding, our decorations rock this year. Here is a peek at our Very Jonesy Christmas:

 Let's start with the tree (after Christmas clearance allowed us to score a 9ft tree for $40...omg right?!). I find it equally important to note that Brett strung all of the lights without so much as a step stool. Hello Sasquatch. 

As per my previous blog posts I kinda have a weird obsession with owls so naturally one is roosting as tree topper this year:

And as we pan around here are some other compilations in the very Jonesy Christmas:

Penguins made it into the mix this year as well:

I was simply elated to just mix in our existing decor:

I really don't see what the problem would be in mixing non -traditional items, like this old globe, a shiny apple, and a random teapot for good measure:

Dining room spread, some of the complimenting characters? A set of vintage penguin nesting dolls, brass butterflies, and a horse head. Every centerpiece needs a horse head. Duh:

Adeline even got into the spirit and made a pinecone ornament, which is chilling next to the cutest red bird ever. He has a winter cap on... Dawwwwwww:

These are my last minute/yet super meaningful decorations I threw together. These picks sticking out of the hurricane vases? They are old Guinness beer coasters straight from Kenmare, Ireland. They are from the first stop we made while on the island, and in Killarney park. I had to pee like no other, so the kind folks at a gift shop (that wasn't even open) let me in to use the facilities. Brett and I didn't want to be "those people" who pee and run so we bought a set of like 50 coasters (whoa right?). Anywho, it had 3 Christmas coasters in the set so I made them a part of our decor. Ah memories: 

Apparently drinking Guinness will make you strong enough to lift a large tree, just like Santa. That's odd, it just makes me dance like an idiot and tell really dumb stories. My Goodness My Guinness indeed!

I also made a ton, like I was unstoppable (until I ran out of supplies) water less snow globes. Saw them in the Martha Stewart holiday mag...damn you Martha Stewart. But after a little online research learned several people have made these, so I stole ideas from them all and created our own:

Hindsight - don't shake just before taking a picture.

And yes, that is Priscilla the piggy bank. She recently made her debut on this blog. Remember?

So, there you have it - A VERY JONESY CHRISTMAS. Want to duplicate? Well, good luck. I just spent the last 3 weeks randomly pulling these ideas from... my CHRISTMAS THINKING CAP. What, did you think I was going to say my ass? 

Happy Holidays Yall. (Y'all?Ya'll?). Ugh, whatever. 

Craft Crazy Christmas 2012- 1 of Whatever

Just like any other normal person I have been dealing with the hustle, bustle, and stress of the Christmas season. But, at least my days of getting my ass kicked over Santa are over(click to read that story). So there is that.

I will sprinkle in a few posts this holiday season about the festive things that I have made that I just can't bear to skip not showing off. You are welcome. As per usual, I will do my best at forming directions (that I never follow) in case any of you would like to be as crazy as I am. Today I will share how I spent way too much time creating an advent calendar for Adeline that she will have forever and ever. And ever.

This isn't like those lazy recipes you find that tell you exactly how much time each step takes. I will say I tackled this in stages, and pulled it out of my you know what, so I hate to admit but this project took hours and hours. You may even cry at some point, it is hard to say. Depends on your level of crafty-ness and patience.

Supplies you will need:

1) a tree branch - I found mine, wait for it, IN THE WOODS OFF OF A TREE. I went into the woods behind my office. I told our secretary to hold my calls and then ventured off, which is a little ironic considering our secretary is my aunt, and the only person who has called for me on the office line in at least 6 months has been my mom. But I did it for dramatic effect. I digress, go into the woods and find a tree branch, mmmkay?

2) Elmer's glue, mixed with glitter and a smidge of white acrylic paint- Don't measure things, that's so, un creative.

3) Roll of twine or hemp for hanging each day's gift- I used hemp, and once again, I didn't measure so feel free to wing that too. I snipped 25 pieces for hanging each day (and tiny pieces to help me wrap the presents), as well as 2 longer pieces for hanging the actual branch.

4) 25 days worth of treats or prizes- I used candies, as well as small toys, sticker sheets, etc...

5) Red tissue paper for wrapping each day's gift- Obviously you are allowed to pick whatever color of paper you want, but I went with red.

6) Numbers for each day's present - I printed mine off of my computer but you can hand write them if you don't feel like cutting out 25 little circles like I did.



Directions...sigh:

1) Cover tree branch with the glue/glitter/paint mixture. I painted it on with a small paint brush, be wary of glue droplets, they are sneaky little bastards. This coating will help seal the branch and keep any bark pieces from flaking off. Gives it a nice snowy look:

2) While the branch is drying gather the 25 day's worth of prizes and treats, if you have a plan for what you want your little dear to open when go ahead and coordinate that, otherwise- get to wrapping! 

3) Take numbers and tape them to each day's presents:

3) Hang presents on branch. To save myself and Adeline a little trouble I hung all of the twine pieces on the branch first, and tied a tiny loop at the bottom of each strand so it looks like: ---------o  

 I attached each present to the coordinating twine with ornament wire hooks. Otherwise you will have to untie each and every day. Too much trouble! This method helps you to reuse it year after year. 

4) Very carefully hang branch on wall or wherever you choose. Adeline's was rather heavy after all the gifts were attached. And then? Enjoy:

So far Adeline has really like plucking her gifts off each morning and playing with her new treasures. I guess it was worth the woodland adventure, gluing, wrapping, cussing, and mental breakdown I may or may not have had while pulling this project off. One of my friend's told me I should sell these, so far the only rate I can think of would be in way of gift certificates to see a mental health professional of my choice. This thing was a bitch to make. 

Money Fixes Everything

A couple of months ago we gave Adeline her first piggy bank, and she has spent the last couple of months hitting everyone up for spare change. She has even caught the entrepreneurial spirit and started some very creative attempts to earn money. For instance, she charged me for a band-aid that I already owned when I had a hangover a few weeks ago. She also started charging people for hugs. She is rather business savvy for not even being 2 years old.

Fast forward to this morning, I inform her that her piggy bank is empty because I took the money to the bank and put it in her savings account. She doesn't skip a beat and immediately turns to my mom to see if she has anything to spare for her newly starving piggy. Mom gives up her change, and explains to her that that is all that she has for now. I tell her that she needs to be sure to ask Papa next time she sees him because Papa always has change. Adeline takes note and continues to play.

Not long after she bumps her head and starts to cry. The following dialogue develops:
Adeline: "Mommy kiss it better?"
Me: "Sure." *plants kiss on forehead*
Adeline: "Nanny kiss it better?"
My mom: "Sure." *plants kiss on forehead*
Adeline: "Papa?"
Me: "Papa what? Do you want Papa to kiss it better? I think he is at work sweetie."
Adeline: "No. Papa's money!"
Me: "Papa's money will make you feel better?"
Adeline: "Uh huh. Papa's money better."

Parenting. I'm doing it right.

Additionally - I told dad this story when I got to the office this morning. Naturally on his way out for the day he said "I guess I better stop by your house and get that kid some money."
Adeline the entrepreneur strikes again. 

And yes, you can be jealous of my mad photo-editing skillz. I also spelled entrepreneurial without having to look it up. True story.

Crap That People Have Forgotten About: Movie Edition

For the November edition I have recalled another gem for you all. Although, this may be more of a "crap people never knew of to begin with" rather than forgot about. But it is reminiscent for me. Wait a tick... it grossed $47mil in the box office. You guys know what I am talking about.

An American Tail. Tail, instead of tale, cute right?
This movie was one of my favorites when I was little, I even had a large plush Fievel toy that I would drag around.

The film is about a little Russian mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz that emigrates to America with his family but soon is separated from them, and the movie is about his adventures to reuniting with them. Uh oh, I think that maybe I have said too much.
Another important factor to note: Fievel's clothes and hat are freakishly huge. Poor little bastard. No really, he was poor, that's why his clothes didn't fit.

Why would Russian mice want to move to America? Because we apparently have an abundance of mouse holes and crumbs on our floors. They also think originally that there are no cats in America either. Which I would be totally cool with.

They obviously learn that the cat bit is rubbish. Fievel during his adventures befriends a vegetarian cat named Tiger (what are the odds right?). Tiger's clothes are too small, and I think I worry about fictional characters wardrobes way too much.

Anyways, hands down best scene in the history of scenes is when this really weird fat lady mouse with a speech impediment screams out "WELEASE THE SECWET WEAPON!". Release the secret weapon for those of you who don't read speech impediment. My niece and I still yell this out on occasion, just for a giggle.

And lest we forget the song at the end of the movie "Somewhere Out There". Tearfully joyous.

If you wish to read a full synopsis imdb can hook you up: synopsis here.
It is kinda cute, imdb has a: warning, this synopsis may contain spoilers disclaimer. Heaven forbid we spoil the ending of the mouse movie.


To follow along with past editions of Crap That People Have Forgotten About go here.

Gratefully Grateful

It is November, I am still getting over the fact that it is no longer Halloween, and I have neighbors hanging Christmas lights already. I feel as though I am being whipped to and fro in some sort of time warp.

If you are on the ol' Facebook you have received information about how 321 of your friends are grateful for a variation of:
Their baby(s), their baby(s) daddy(s), their daddy(s).
        I added (s) to all of those because they surprisingly might apply. And I won't lie, I love the hell out of my baby, my man friend, and my family too. Technically, if you met someone who hated their children, spouse, and relatives then you may want to wear a helmet or a bullet proof vest next time you are around them. Anywho - my other peeve about a flood of Day 1-30 posts is that many people have committed to doing it, and then they flake like a crescent roll. They start smashing days together all haphazardly and then your news feed is disturbingly full, disturbingly fast.

I am here to inform the masses of the other things in life. And I don't want to follow any days, I am just going to commit to making this one post and then donezo.

I am rather grateful for:

• Steam in the bag vegetables- Seriously, it's a glorious mix of convenience and borderline freshness. Birds Eye brand peas and mushrooms? Yes please! 
• Robert Kirkman- the brain behind The Walking Dead, he took my mind to a whole new level of "what the f*ck". He also prepared my mind for the most likely scenario for the end of the world. 
• Gel nail polish- this type of polish is what pulled me out of the grossly thick and long white tipped acrylic monstrosity nails that I sported for over 10 years. I will never go back. Never.
• Skinny Girl Margaritas- All the drunk and half the calories, who can't be thankful for that. This beverage was the culprit for me thinking that I could make ice with my mind on my birthday. 
• Shoes- I own too many, I have some really weird ones (zombies, zebras, buttons, mice, striped, polka dotted, leopard, etc), but I am thankful that I have an abundance of wacky choices every day. 
• Pandora- Radio that I actually like, no annoying radio personalities, no commercials, a station for every mood and whim I may have, that's good stuff people. Otis Redding radio...ftw.
• Frozen yogurt establishments- A psychologically unbalanced way to treat yourself. You pile a buffet's worth of shit on top of your frozen yogurt, and then relax after you waddle out of the joint because it was "just frozen yogurt". Genius. 
• Dead people- If it weren't for such there would be no estate sales. Additionally, I wouldn't have had half of the adrenaline rushes in the last 5 years if it weren't for trying to find them during paranormal investigations. 
• Humidifiers- I grew up with my dad having a humidifier in almost every room of the house. I now have to have them in every bedroom of our house, but we are sick way less than normal. 
• Hair color- I started going gray at 18, so, hair color is like, astronomically huge for me. 
• Vanilla flavored tootsie rolls- I am not really sure why I felt this was important enough for this list, but they are hella tasty. 
• Weather app on my phone- I check it all day long, and am so reliant on it that I actually get mad at the sky when it doesn't correlate with what my app says it should be outside. I also have Vancouver saved so I can see what the weather is like for Brett's family, and I have Kenmare Ireland saved so I can see what it will be like when I move there. (I suspect around the time that the zombies show up). 

I know, you all were probably expecting something traditional and predictable and now you are all "that was just a list of material items, odd snacks, and booze, what a bitch.". Maybe I have missed the mark, but those things in that list are pretty rad. I am thankful for things that are good. The end.

Upcycled Work - Postcard Art Edition

I wanted to post about one of my favorite upcycled projects. I am in love with my post card art, and I use all recycled/second hand materials to make them. I have made a few over the years and here is how you can to:

Supplies:
Business reply mailer/postcard
electrical tape
acrylic paint
Embossing ink
Stamp of your choice
Embossing powder
Embossing gun
Printed card stock for a matting background
Frame for finished product
Here is a pic of my material spread before I got started and made a mess of it all:

Directions:
1) Take postcard and tape of outer edges (I went about an 1'' all the way around the card).

2) Paint a thin layer of acrylic paint inside taped edges.
3) Allow to dry, and very carefully remove tape.
4) Stamp over acrylic paint with embossing ink.   --- I didn't take any pictures of the embossing process because it is messy, and I was too busy melting my fingers off to operate the camera! 
5) Sprinkle embossing powder/ remove excess powder.
6) Heat with an embossing tool gun. Please don't try to use a hairdryer, you will not get the same effect.
7) Mount card to card stock matting.
8) and frame!
9) ta da!

If you are like a few of my friends and you wish to skip through to step 9 and have one delivered to your doorstep just go to my etsy shop http://www.etsy.com/shop/JunkDrunkJones and buy one! They would make an excellent gift. I use all recycled and donated materials for every item I make.

An Intro to Junk Drunk Jones

I feel like I have neglected the blog a little lately.
I blame my new etsy shop...www.etsy.com/shop/JunkDrunkJones

I sell upcycled items and vintage treasures. A few people have asked where I get my inventory. Which I assume they mean the vintage goods because the other stuff comes from my super awesome craft room:

But yes, the vintage goods come from somewhere. I have always loved a good thrift store, but I have a new found obsession (or rather a love/hate relationship) with estate sales. Those bad boys can be hard to find sometimes, at least for exactly what I need.
I search Craigslist for upcoming estate sales but I feel that sites should make a search option for locating estate sales for people who aren't ballers. I know estate sale companies try to add "fluff" to their postings so that it appears they are selling some super high quality shit, but let's get real here - you are just unloading some dead woman's belongings. At any rate, some of the descriptions make me afraid to visit because I don't have a sugar daddy in tow. A bit swanky for Junk Drunk Jones.

And a note to people advertising your "own" estate sale... Don't have a yard sale and pretend that it is an estate sale. If you aren't dead, or your not moving, guess what? IT ISN'T AN ESTATE SALE. I want to see that you are selling everything but the awkwardly large collection of cats that you have accumulated.

And shoppers? Calm down. I understand we are all very excited to rummage through someone's life and snag our treasures before the next person spots them, but you guys need to cool it down a notch. If your fat ass is too lazy to drag around the box of stuff you have already "scored" don't be surprised if someone else tries to peek into it. No need to yell. In case you haven't noticed there's a lot of shit piled into boxes, assuming everyone knows that one box in particular belongs to you is asinine. Now, if someone picks up your child or that stupid dog you have shoved into your handbag like an accessory, that is another thing.

I feel like I am rambling. In a nutshell - I am working diligently to craft upcycled items for people to enjoy, and scouring thrift stores and bare knuckling my way through estate sales for some vintage treasures you all just can't live without. Stay tuned! It is going to be a fun, yet bumpy ride!

Gifting Fruit to a Nut.

Today is my anniversary. 4 years, or 1,460 days, but who's counting?! I love you hunny.
Each year I get stumped on what to give Mr. Jones as an anniversary gift. I never really followed the traditional anniversary gift list. Which you can view here. I decided to give the traditional route a spin this year. My choices were fruit or flowers, or both I guess.

       After much head scratching I decided I needed to do something that would catch him off guard. Aside from unexpectedly throwing fruit at him, I figured this had to be one of those "go big or go home" situations. I decided what better way to surprise Brett than to park a bunch of FRUIT TREES inside our house for him to stumble upon. Originally I thought about strategically placing them in our bedroom, but I must say that my original plans were poorly executed.

         Scene change - I am at Home Depot yesterday afternoon, and I have to ask where the trees are (strike one). After finding the section of fruit trees they send someone in to help me, pffft...like I needed it. I tell the fellow that i'd like an apple tree and a peach tree because I am indecisive. He informs me that I must buy these in pairs so that they can cross pollinate, and different types will work best. I sigh and shake my fist at the sky saying "why are there so many rules?!". I'm pretty sure he laughed at my dismay. I then take way too long to try to pick out 4 trees, meanwhile he asks me "what do you plan to do with these?". To which I answer, "Oh, i'm just putting them in my bedroom!". The very confused man then helps me pick out 4 trees and loads a cart for me and hauls it to checkout.

          As I am paying a thought occurs to me, "sonofabitch! I am in my CAR, and I just bought TREES." I tell the workers I don't need help because it would then be more blatantly obvious that I am ill prepared for tree purchasing this day. I trudge to my car and open every single door on it. Readjust seats a time or two, and then spend about 5 minutes looking at the trees, and then looking at the car. Trees, car, trees, car. I then just start leaning and shoving them into various corners of the vehicle and quickly shutting all of the doors. By the way- TREES ARE HEAVY. Windows also get cracked so that the sporadic branch or leaf bundle can hang out of the windows for added comfort.

           I get home and I hide the tall, heavy trees in the basement. Since I wound up with 4 trees instead of 2 I also realize that placing them gently in our bedroom while he is sleeping that night isn't going to happen. Few reasons why:
1) He goes to bed later than I do.
2) Our 3 dogs may think the tall trees are intruders and bark, or pee on them, whatever.
3) Did I mention that TREES ARE HEAVY?
4) From the looks of my vehicle I can infer that they put off a lot of water, dirt, and bark so I don't want to clean my carpet.
I then learn that he is going to get us breakfast in the morning so the opportunity to set it all up presents itself. As soon as I heard his car roll away this morning I ran downstairs and furiously carried the tiny orchard into our entry way. Hello cardio.

He also got a card (Oooohhhh) which incorporates the last 3 years that I slacked on:

In case anyone was wondering, I glued some of my pictures from a Departures magazine to the card.
And yes, I do realize that in the card I spelled pollinate incorrectly. Real life doesn't have an autocorrect. Gah.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is Canada's Thanksgiving Day (if the interwebs have served me correctly it is supposed to be the 2nd Monday of October each year).

Considering I am not Canadian, and my husband is on the brink of no longer being Canadian, we were confused and celebrated last night. But we celebrated with the Olive Garden so I am pretty sure that can't count for much.

I thought it over this morning and I wondered, wait a tick, what do Canadians celebrate for their Thanksgiving?
I have my theory:
     They have their feast and conversation centers around how thankful they are that they aren't as stupid as the Americans are. Since we celebrate a holiday that centers around the idea that the pilgrims and indians actually got along well enough to have dinner together. Yes, I understand ultimately it is to celebrate the harvest and a time for being thankful - as per the cartoons I recall from my childhood showing the lovely peaceful feast I would see between the pilgrims and indians. But it is a little odd to me that essentially we traded the Native Americans seeds for death. Go America.   

In actuality- Canadian Thanksgiving is apparently in celebration of some guy named Martin Frobisher who had a really crappy voyage to Canada. During said voyage half of his fleet got completely rocked, and then he threw his hat in and went back to England with what he thought were thousands of tons of gold ore, but in reality it was just a bunch of rocks, or dog poop. Your call. I am not sure who is sillier, them or us. Looks like both of us were just fishing for an excuse to eat too much turkey.

I know what they eat at a Canadian Thanksgiving feast because I have been to some family holiday gatherings for Brett's family for past Canadian Thanksgivings. It is much like ours, save that the sides are actually vegetables and not a bunch of vegetables suspiciously hidden inside of a high calorie casserole. Don't get me wrong people, I will eat the hell out of a casserole. But I think there is a reason why our region is overly obese and fairly diabetic in nature.

Another thought I had: Canadian Black Friday. Wait wait, they would have a Black Tuesday. I imagine it is heavenly. I envision it being much calmer and less aggressive than the American Black Friday. Or the intense shoppers might actually wield hockey sticks so I could be way off on my original assumption. All I know is that bitches around here take that day rather seriously.

The great part? When Adeline is older she can appreciate having two Thanksgiving feasts. Too bad there aren't going to be two Christmases.


I would like to cite my sources. Thank you Wikipedia. Yes, you should believe everything you read on the internet.

Crap That People Have Forgotten About. Illusion Edition.

I think I would like to start a series for this. Crap That People Have Forgotten About. Consider this my first edition.

I would like to take you back to 1993. So let's see, there was Jurassic Park, Whitney Houston singing I Will Always Love You, Beanie Babies came out that year (on the market, not the closet), but this isn't about any of those. Want to know why? Because those are easily googled subjects. Anyone who can't recall the excellence of subjects such as those can just plug in and find out about them too easily.

I want to bring back to your attention something a little more down played. "Off the map" if you will. I don't know the technical term for it, as google did not provide much assistance in finding it for me. We will call it the Optical Illusion Art Prints craze. REMEMBER THOSE?! Hours of fun for everyone. Dozens of squiggly lines to focus in on and find a scene in behind the fuzz. I say hours of fun for everyone, but I guess some people can't get past the squiggly lines to see the pictures. I feel sorry for those people. At any rate, we still have one hanging in our office/museum of old dirty stuff we have collected about the building. See:

As you can see, it is strategically placed near our water cooler. That way our employees can have a refreshing glass of water and train their eyes to see a Rainforest. Or have a flashback from 1993.  I recall in the 90's these prints were so popular I actually went to a store that was an entire gallery of nothing but these optical illusions. I had to stare blankly at every one until I saw the picture underneath before I could leave the store. Nerd alert. Maybe they can make a come back in another decade or so. Let's use Maybe lightly here.

And that concludes this month's edition of Crap That People Have Forgotten About. 

Disclaimer: Don't actually try to find the rainforest in my picture I posted. You have to actually stand in front of it to focus in on it. Duh. 

Mysteries of the World

I will fail today at artfully constructing a story. Just wanted to present that first in case that was what you wanted to read.

I have a few mysteries I would like to present to the world, in hopes that maybe some of my questions can be answered.

Mystery #1 - For 26 years I absolutely hated the thought of eating a saltine cracker, even when people would eat them in soups I would turn up my nose in disgust. I also hated the thought of drinking ginger ale, I mean why the hell would something labeled "Canada Dry" be delectable? "Anything Dry" should not be a product name, ever. The idea of a dry beverage seems like an oxymoron anyways. I'm getting carried away - back to the story:
 I get food poisoning 4 weeks ago, and my sister brings these two bland items for me to try to ingest. And now that I am in tip top shape and not sick anymore? I can't stop eating them. Seriously, saltines and ginger ale for a snack happens almost daily. So much so that my kid now eats saltine crackers with wild abandon.

Mystery #2 - Speaking of my child, how is it that her "picky toddler" phase is happening, but some of her staple items would make a lot of people cringe. Her #1 snack item right now? Hummus... usually dipped with goldfish, but still! Other items she likes: plain cottage cheese, and smoothies with fruit and spinach (green green green). She will not touch a french fry, or any potato product really. Not complaining, I am just perplexed.

Mystery #3 - I like to joke about having a "black thumb" and that I can't keep anything alive. If my memory serves me right I have slaughtered: an assortment of roses, orchids- the label said "easy" to care for... I call shenanigans, mums, daisies, a peace lily from my aunt's funeral which we named after my aunt, so that was a little awkward when it finally gave out. I actually killed a cactus collection at one point. So the mystery is that I have no idea how my dogs are still alive.

Mystery #4 - There are thousand of types of vegetables, so far in my tenure here in the good ol' South I have only been introduced to 150? 175? or more, I haven't counted cut me some slack.
There are bulb vegetables, root vegetables, fruit vegetables, leaf vegetables, and so on. How is it that out of thousands of veggies, it would appear as though the mighty Asparagus is the only one that will totally transform the smell of piss from gross to SONOFA! OHMYGOD! WHY DID I EAT ASPARAGUS $!@#%^&>?!. *gag*  *vomit*. What is the deal with that? I mean, I am not complaining that it is the only vegetable that has this magically disgusting quality, but I find it fascinating. Or something like that.

Dream a Little Dream

First things first - it is the 18th of the month. That means in exactly 4 months I will have a 2 year old. That is crazy talk.

Moving along, I had a dream last night that I actually remembered by the time I woke up. I don't know what it means. So if any of you care to interpret please be my guest.


       It begins with me being at home and receiving a letter from Reinhardt College (or University now, whatever). The letter contained my class schedule which was one class. I joke about how I will show up to take this class and they will ask me to pay an astronomical amount.
        Then I see myself driving to their Roswell campus, and I am in one of those stupid looking smart cars, except mine must be exceptionally smart because it is half the size of a regular one. I can actually park it in between other regularly parked cars. The campus police tell me that it is safe to do so, so I walk in to take my one measly class. Later on in the dream those same campus police put a huge parking ticket on that stupid car.
         I make it into the lobby area and I am asking some t(w)eenage girl where she thinks my classroom is. I see that she is bragging about her class schedule which is full with about 7 classes. We are chit chatting and all of a sudden I see a naked child running and giggling through the lobby. I then realize that it is my naked child that is on the loose so I drop my class schedule and take off after her. She makes her way to a large auditorium sized lecture hall. There she weaves in and out of aisles making new friends, and getting tons of laughs. I eventually track her down and carry her out of the lecture. I decide to just go home, which is where I find the large parking ticket on my ridiculous car.

Then I woke up.

Is this some sort of sign that I need to continue my education? Or better clothe my child? Who knows.

Reasons why I can't figure this dream out:
- I haven't taken a college class, or had any desire to, in over 3 years.
- I hate small cars.
- The only thing I can correlate is the ticket thing, I was talking about traffic tickets yesterday. Everything else is a mystery.

School Buses, and Pizza Reports.

Yesterday was weird. I really can't think of another way to describe it.

I woke up with a cold, so maybe my mind was a bit vacant with the cold meds. Work was work - though the paranormal group is really keeping me on my toes these days. Taking on Case Manager at a time that is busier than we have seen in 4+ years was not one of my better plans. If this second cell phone I have to carry rings one more time and I have to hear about a "demonic possession"  "or enter any other totally bat shit crazy description here" I myself will go bat shit crazy. People have got to stop watching movies and watching tv. As an investigator who gets paid $0 I sure have to weed through a lot of shit to get to do what I like to do, which is help people who could actually use our services and not the services of a mental health professional.

Anyways, I digress. I get home and right around the end of nap time (2:00-2:30ish) I am in my daughter's room. Her room faces the street. I hear the school bus, which is a normal noise for that time frame so I ignore. I do notice that it is sounding rather close today, and it isn't driving away. For good measure I peek out her window. I see the bus parked near my front yard, and a woman standing close to my driveway. I think nothing of this at first glance, but then it occurs to me I don't see any children outside with her so it isn't a mom walking her kid home, the only kids around are still on the bus. I look again, and I see that the woman has a school employee lanyard/badge on. I look down and see that she is holding something, so I squint a little. It then occurs to me that the woman is holding MY MAILBOX. I also see at that point that the post, or what used to be the post is now also completely jacked up, it also occurs to me that all of this is so because SHE RAN IT ALL OVER WITH THE SCHOOL BUS. I watch for a few seconds as she looks at post then box, post then box. It is then I decide to round up the baby and go outside to pull a Stewie and say "hey, whatcha doin?". By the time I get downstairs with her, fend off our 3 dogs so they don't bolt out the door, and walk around our sidewalk I notice something rather startling. The school bus with the questionable driver? It is gone. Gone, gone, gone. I can't even hear where it is anymore. So Adeline and I stare at our sad little mailbox, mail all askew inside like a hamster on crack packed the contents for us. We take a few minutes to retrieve the mail from the new custom ground box and go inside to call Brett. I am still in a daze because it is kinda funny and well, this shit doesn't happen often (knock on wood). Brett calls the school transportation department, they exchange a call or two throughout the afternoon, resulting in the person he really needs to speak to not calling him back.

Then we have to file a police report, because apparently mailboxes are like, federal property or some shit. And you can't be takin your big fancy school bus a runnin them over all willy nilly and leaving the scene before the confused as shit person who owns it comes out to confront you about it. Not kosher. So, as Adeline says the "pizza" men, in the fancy "pizza" car come to file a report. Sidenote - mailboxes are no joke for the wallet, some $200+ for our mail receptacle and post. I may be in the wrong business.

I will say that by this morning the school transportation department was getting started on getting our replacement mailbox. Fingers crossed they work quickly. I am pretty sure the United States Postal Service won't deliver my mail to the ground in the meantime.

Dragon Con 2012: Pre-event post.

It is interesting to me how every year as Dragon Con nears my friends ask me if I am going, and then they ask a bunch of other stuff, like who will be there, what it is, etc etc... I now realize a lot of it is pointless babble on my part, as they can't fully wrap their head around what a crazy massive event it is. Nevertheless, by the end of the conversation they always say "Wow! that sounds awesome, I am totally going next year."

This will be my 5th year attending, and do any of my friends stick to their word and show up? Of course not. Correction: I have friends that attend, don't get me wrong. But for the rest- my guess is that I am just a terrible nerd converter. They have to be within my ranks already.

So what do I say to all of the nay sayers?
Have fun roasting weenies this holiday weekend, I am going to be partying for 4 days with 60,000 of my closest friends. Suckers.



Want to see who will be at Dragon Con this year? this link will take you there.

You Are You, I Am Me. A Parenting Review.

I have decided to discuss the wonderful world of parenting, remember kids - there are no experts!

       When you read this post don't get me wrong, my baby is the metaphorical bundle of joy that I would never want to imagine life without. I also don't want people to read any of the stuff I post about parenting and jump to a few conclusions (ie. bad mom, ungrateful, *enter any other total BS here*). So far I have a very well rounded child, and for the most part she is also well behaved (and cute as hell so that out weighs a lot of things). 

It is my solid belief that people who have multiple children and say that it is "easy", I am convinced, live with a pretty hefty sense of denial. But that is neither here nor there.

      I can say that pre-baby days I had an inkling of a travel bug. Cross country road trips, cruising around island hopping, a little taste of Ireland, a little taste of Canada, Mexico, Puerto Rico. Certainly not enough stamps in my passport to say I was "well traveled", but I have traveled.
At any rate, as a parent I still have to pack all day every day - just for smaller distances. When you have a baby trying to make it to the store is a quest in and of itself. Going anywhere with a little person is a challenge. There are bags and bags for days.

      You need the diaper bag, and as soon as that fills up (which is in no time) you have to have a bag for toys, a bag for snacks, and then your own bag that holds the shit you may actually use like car keys or wallets. Half the time you will forget that last one, and be somewhere that currency is rather necessary.
For instance, the end of the transaction at the grocery store where you have a bagged cart full of groceries and a pissed off kid and woops, no wallet, hell not even a purse. See what I mean? I know I know, some of you are thinking "omg, why doesn't she just buy a large diaper bag?". Excellent point, it is easier to just dump the world into one bag.
I am not much for archaeology, but taking this approach you can be sure that in a few weeks of carrying the "end all be all" diaper bag that you are going to rummage around and dig up some shit you really don't care to find. "When did I buy raisins? or whatever the hell this is!." Sanitize, rinse, and repeat.

       Aside from the baggage dilemma, people always have an opinion when it comes to having the little dears. Technically, if I had a dollar for every person that has asked me when I am having baby #2 I could actually afford baby #2, and a nanny to chase after it for me. And people, people, people, do you have any idea what you are even implying here? If they reworded their phrases they wouldn't be talking at all.

Let me demonstrate:

1) "When are you guys going to have another baby?!"  ---rephrased--- "When are you going to torture yourself for 9 months straight so another person can travel through your uterus, and then torture you for 18 additional years?"     ...why I don't know, that just sounds so, appealing. I will get right on that for you.

2) "Go ahead and get pregnant again while you are young"  ---rephrased--- "Go ahead and get pregnant while you still have a lot of really cool and exciting shit going on, you can play when you retire, and by retire I mean die."          ...cool and exciting shit is for the birds. I will get right on that for you.

3) "You should have children close together in age so they can play" ---rephrased--- "You should have them close together in age so that you can skip any reprieve from wiping asses the first 5 years, and then watch them beat the ever living shit out of each other for the next 10 years, and when they are done beating each other up it will be time to buy them two cars, and then two college educations."          ...my wallet is crying just thinking about it, that is if I knew where the hell my wallet was. *checks large diaper bag*.

This is not a jab at any of my friends or relatives with 2,3,4, or 5 kids. If you want to be like a pack of dogs and have a litter go right ahead. Just don't tell me about why it worked for YOU. You are you, I am me. I feel like this could be a song. "you are you, I am me, I currently only want one baby". It needs some work, but it is a start.

And for those of you who did jump the gun and do think I am now a bad mom, please review:

That my friends is one happy, healthy little baby. You are welcome. 

Technology and Old Men are the Devil

This post brought to you by my latest exclamation:

Stefanie Jones ‏@StefanieMcJones

If I had a dollar for every time I got blamed for an old man's technological shortcomings I would have a lot of damn dollars.#ITdepartment

        Now, why do I say all of this? I know you have all heard me complain about dad's new hobby/my new, unwanted career. But this morning was a prime example of why I want to stuff my head into a pillow and scream. I got an email, by I, I mean dad got an email. They all forward to me because he can't figure out how to log in to check them, much less respond to them. It was a fellow in CT asking why dad had not paid for two items he had purchased from him. Dad (I ) always pay promptly. With eBay it is easy peasy. I just log in and see what says Pay Now and click and done, but those days are over.

Somehow my dad felt like he had mastered the art of the interwebs and has discovered a website that is far superior to eBay. He can find higher quality items, and buy them outright, no bidding wars. Oh dad, dad, dad, dad.

        I didn't want to call it out publicly because dad just can't stop the rave reviews, but it is total crap. Even when I tried to read the about us section words are missing because of the large graphic they smacked in the middle of the page. Maybe some poor schmuck living in his parents basement made the site, who knows. No no, that can't be right, a basement nerd would do a much better job. At any rate, someone who needs some help has created this site. Sellers create shops and an account, got it. Buyers have the option to create an account, which is great if you aren't planning to buy anything ever. Otherwise? Make all parties involved create an account.

        Naturally when my dad got all "junk drunk" and started buying shit he opted to not create an account. I guess the 2 extra boxes he had to fill out for a username and password were simply outlandish and inconvenient. So he ( I ) just start getting emails with links to the stellar website.
-A seller sees a purchase has been made and they create an invoice that you can print and pay. Most of these sellers like checks mailed to them. Of course they do. So now instead of my stress-less one click away through AN ACCOUNT on eBay I am printing and reprinting stuff, and then addressing envelopes for dad to just fire checks off across the nation, in hopes these super trustworthy merchants will then ship an item he probably won't even remember ordering in the first place.
       Sounds, so legit, and so stress free doesn't it? I am half surprised that we aren't buying items from Nigerian princes at this point. I will cut a tiny bit of slack- some sellers do have a paypal option. But there is no accountability, I am still unsure how the site handles non payments and non shipments.

       So what happens when you have a buyer (dad) and a seller that both don't know how to use the crappy website? You have items that don't get paid for. And a seller who is confused and mad at you because he can't navigate the site well enough to make an invoice for you. Ask dad how to log in to his account to view a running list of invoices. Account? I don't have one of those? What do you mean, why are you asking me this stuff? Just contact the guy he says. Then I get to rummage through dozens of emails and invoice links to see who he may owe and for what item.

Hey let's leave some feedback...oh wait, we don't have an account, nevermind! Feedback on this site is a joke anyways...

Now you will have to excuse me, I have a wall to bang my head into.

The Girl Who Tweeted "Wolf"

      I really thought at this juncture in my life that people knew better than to take me seriously almost all of the time. Almost. Apparently some of my posts are taken with a grain of salt, and others are just completely alarming to people. I caught some heat last night for tweeting:

Stefanie Jones ‏@StefanieMcJones

Brett: why does our sweet little angel have a voodoo doll in her hand? Me:I gave it to her. Adeline:*throws voodoo doll at Brett's face.*

Now, if anyone follows any of what I say ever, they would know that it wasn't quite literal. I didn't summon up some legit voodoo doll, possess it with some sort of spell, and hand it to my toddler with a hand full of pins and say "get stabby baby, mommy has to go paint her nails!". It was actually just a small keychain size toy of a voodoo doll. I have a ninja and a genie. Naturally Adeline chose the ninja to play with. They kind of look like the above photo. Innocent enough. 

To anyone who may take me too seriously at any point, think about it - within the last week here is the recap of my posting/tweeting highlights:

- Personally hosting a teapot convention.
- Gluing hundreds of buttons to my shoes.*
- An 8 foot tall ice cream cone.*
- A case of vintage explosive chickens.*
-  Seeing MacGyver.*
- Sedimentology and a geological database.*
- Marty Huggins for President.
- Monsters.
- Armadillos in Canton, GA.
- and the voodoo doll snafu.

     I guess it is weird that at least 50% of those highlights do have a factual basis (please see bullet points marked with an * ). But work with me here people! This got me thinking, maybe I am like the girl who cried "wolf" but instead of wolf I have a bunch of really random and obscure stuff that I am announcing. Then when I actually have something important to say no one will believe me. I will be the girl who tweeted wolf. Oh well, at least I will entertain the shit out of you all in the meantime.

Junk Drunk

"Hello, my name is Dennis, and I am addicted to picking".

Ok, so my dad didn't really say that, but he did say:

Dad: Can you look on that little magic machine    (my iPhone)   and see how long it takes to get to Lynchburg, Virginia?

Me: 8 hours, what's up?

Dad: That's not bad. I gotta go pick up an 8 foot ice cream cone. But first, I gotta build a special crate to hold it in. 

Me: That's cool. Really I was thinking (WHAT THE HELL! WHO DOES THAT!)

      Later that day I tried to figure out what sort of ridiculous items I might buy if I could just for the sake of my out of control hobby. So far I have squat.  I did however find this website, and this website - which lists weird as hell hobbies. Perhaps I will take up Ecstasy pill collecting, Beetle fighting, or Javelin catching. So maybe dad isn't crazy, he is just dedicated.  

      I really think that dad could have his own show. Just yesterday I spent a few hours designing business cards for his "hobby"  - Junk Drunk Pickers. How appropriate! So far his "hobby" has enveloped an entire metal building. It includes; a bar, a service station, a general store, and soon to be soda fountain. There are mentions of a bank and a post office, and I am rooting for an old theater (or theatre if you wish). 

     This has also developed into my part time career between all of the eBay communications and transactions I have to handle, mapping the next pick, and general magic machine errands that require finding websites/antique malls/auctions/other related events. At least I get paid bonuses in way of awesome tea pots and vintage owls for my own collections. I have considered telling dad I now collect money, so if he happens to find any on his picks that will suffice. I do love my owls and teapots so I can't complain! But I can laugh when my dad travels cross country for an ice cream cone, and 8 foot ice cream cone.

A sampling of some of dad's tiny town:

Collection Smash Up - Fashion Edition

Yesterday I tweeted:

Stefanie Jones ‏@StefanieMcJones

I just spent 3 hours glueing one of my collections to another collection. Figure that one out! Or wait til it hits my blog this week.

Soooooo,

Here are some of the things I tend to collect:

1) Vintage Owls

2) Teapots

3) Buttons

4) Rescued dogs

5) Expired coupons

6) Shoes 

7) Tiny magazine clippings. Remember this post?

Glancing at this list makes me feel like maybe I need less weird collections. But it could be worse right? I mean, I could be like Barry on Dinner for Schmucks and make art work out of dead mice... 

Yea, I feel better now.

Anyways, I decided to combine a small (really small) portion of the buttons collection, and the shoe collection.

I started with a pair of heels that I rarely wore because of the print:

Directions? Ok:

Gather: buttons of all shapes and sizes, rhinestones, embellishment pearls (found in scrapbook aisle), and some fabric glue.

       I took a lot of time organizing which button should go where so that I could fill the most space as possible without going outside the outline of the shoe's fabric. I glued all buttons first, and then I took the small rhinestones and pearls to fill in the spaces that the buttons wouldn't fit. 

The end results:

And on the feets:

Somewhere in my mass button collection (seriously, after these shoes were completed you couldn't even tell I had been into the collection at all) I found a Christian Dior button. I am pretty sure it would have been more valuable not covered in craft glue, but that took my shoes to the next level. I also found a button that says Hazard on it, so that helped too. I'm sure.